Tears In Heaven
by littlemissaddicted
Summary: Meredith and Derek are married, and have been for three years. But when circumstances threaten to destroy all they have accomplished, will they pull together, or tear each other apart? Chapter nineteen is up.
1. Chapter 1

_Okay, in this fic MerDer are married and have a daughter who is just over one. Cristina is still living with Burke, Izzie and Alex are both single. (George and Izzie never slept together, Addison has not left for warmer climates, Callie and George are married, and Burke and Cristina never attempted to get married. The Chief is still the Chief…I think that is all you need to know. If I left anything out, feel free to ask!!) Rated T for mild sex scene. Feel free to review if you wish to. The story doesn't really start until the end of chapter two-ish. Hope you enjoy.  
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"I have spiders! Freaking eight-legged spiders! They're everywhere! I swear one was in my coffee this morning! Oh my God...I'm the young lady who swallowed a spider!" Izzie exclaimed, grabbing her water bottle, and twisting the lid. "What do I do?!"

"You get your flat exterminated, and you stop discussing insects while I'm trying to eat my lunch,' Cristina retorted, annoyance dripping from her lips, her fork hanging limply between her fingers. "Then I can go back to digesting my lunch, and you can go back to digesting your spider."

"Eww...Cristina!" Izzie groaned. "I was trying to forget about it!"

"Well, it's so not my problem that you ate a faux spider." Cristina replied, popping a ketchup covered fry into her mouth.

"It was not a faux spider! It was an eight-legged, giant, black, creepy crawly...who succeeded in ruining my morning!" Izzie whined.

"Really? You actually saw this supposed spider? What, he just decided to go for a swim in your morning cup of coffee?" Cristina asked, her tone sarcastic.

"Okay, so I didn't actually see it, but I swear that with the amount of spiders in my apartment...there could easily have been one in my coffee." Izzie admitted, taking a sip of her water.

"Riiiight. So the sheer number of spiders means you have to ruin my lunch? That's great. Thanks a lot." Cristina snapped, pushing her plate away in disgust.

"Wow, someone's pissed this morning. What happened?" Izzie enquired, moving her chair a little further away from the cafeteria table, and out of Cristina's immediate reach.

"Nothing! That's what happened. I was on call last night, and nada! Zip! Zilch! No serious injuries, no accidents, no dying people. Not even a bloody leg that needed stitching!"

"Well, that's good, right? No one was injured, no one dying...that's a good thing." Izzie said, looking genuinely confused.

"You know, Izzie, sometimes it is physically hard to be around you! Think like a surgeon, for God's sake! I didn't complete my medical degree just to stand around all night, diagnosing the odd case of the flu! Where the hell were all the sick people! I'm a cutter...I cut! And when I don't cut, I get cranky." Cristina grumbled.

"So now would not be the time to ask if I can stay with you?" Izzie asked, a hopeful look on her face.

"What? Why?" Cristina asked, turning in her chair to face Izzie, who had inched her chair even further from the table.

"Did you not hear me talk about the spiders?! I can't stay there. I can't sleep knowing they are out there…stalking my coffee cups." Izzie shuddered. "I need a place to sleep while I get my apartment de-spidered."

"No." The answer was instantaneous.

"Oh, come on, Cristina, I'm neat, I bake, I clean." Izzie reminded her, eagerly.

"Exactly." Cristina replied, pulling her lunch towards her, apparently willing to give it another go.

"What, you have a problem with a clean, tidy apartment with snacks?"

"No, I have a problem with the fact that that scenario comes with another person. I'm having enough trouble with Burke as it is, I don't need extra hormones in my house."

"Fine. Forget it. I'll stay somewhere else." Izzie said, exasperated.

"That's all I ask. Anywhere that doesn't have Yang or Burke on the door, and I'm good to go."

"Gee, thanks, you are so helpful," Izzie mumbled sarcastically.

"Whatever. I have to go find a surgery, any surgery, to scrub in on," Cristina said abruptly, picking up her tray and walking back inside.

Izzie sat at the table alone, thanking her lucky stars that Cristina hadn't asked where Meredith, Alex or George were. If Cristina knew that they were currently scrubbed in…well, Izzie hated to think what her reaction would have been. In her mind, the three of them leaving her with a post on-call Cristina was mean on so many levels. She couldn't believe Cristina seriously wasn't going to let her stay with her. Well, no, that wasn't true. She could believe it, she had just wanted to be surprised. Now where was she supposed to go to get away from the man-eating spiders? Izzie shuddered at the mere thought of the spiders that were slowly taking over her house, and picked up her tray, following in the wake of a very pissed off Cristina.

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"Spiders, Meredith. They are everywhere! Honestly! I'm surprised I haven't woken up with a web across my face!" Izzie proclaimed, carrying the dishes to the sink of Meredith's kitchen, a wine glass balanced precariously on the top of the pile.

"Oh, are you still on about the damn spiders? I swear, if you don't shut it, I'll put more than a web across your face!" Cristina said, following Izzie into the kitchen, carrying a lone fork, her contribution to clearing the table.

Meredith gave Cristina a 'cut it out' look, before she plucked the glass from on top of Izzie's pile, allowing Izzie to set the dishes down in the sink.

"So, what are you asking me, Izzie?" Meredith asked, an amused expression on her face.

"If I can stay here for a few days? I swear I won't be a bother…I can sleep on the couch, and…" Izzie began, talking fast, tripping over her words.

"Iz, you can stay here, that's fine. And you don't have to stay on the couch, you can have your old room…we only use it for the spare room at the moment, anyway." Meredith interrupted, putting the plug in the sink, and twisting the tap, water springing forth, filling the sink.

"Oh thank you, Mer! If I don't get that place exterminated, I swear I'll go insane!"

"Bit late," Cristina mumbled under her breath.

Izzie merely gave her a withering look, before flashing Meredith a blinding smile and sauntering out of the room.

"Okay, what's with you?" Meredith asked, turning the tap off with a flick of her wrist, and flopping down at the kitchen table.

"Nothing." Cristina answered, joining her at the table.

"Seriously? What…spiders just annoy you?" Meredith asked, picking up the salt shaker, and twirling it around.

"Spiders annoy everyone." Cristina replied, watching the salt shaker as is danced through Meredith's fingers, surveying the way it rolled from the tips of her fingers and back again, swirling across the table.

"Cristina."

"Fine! No, spiders are not annoying me, but right at this minute, you are." Cristina snapped, reaching across the table and snatching the salt shaker from Meredith's fingers.

Meredith just looked at Cristina, waiting for her to say what was bugging her, pulling her hands back onto her lap in case she roused the dragon anymore than she already had done.

"Sorry, I just…" Cristina began, sighing. "It's just…Burke asked me to marry him."

"Seriously?" Meredith exclaimed, getting to her feet.

"Yeah, and I didn't answer him. Mer, I didn't know what to say!" Cristina replied quickly, before the inevitable 'congratulations' spilled from her friends mouth.

"Oh," Meredith said, sitting slowly back in her seat. "_Oooh!_ And how did he take that?"

"Not well. And to top it all off, I was on call last night, and there were no surgeries! No blood to take my mind off it. I mean, what do you say to the man you love when he asks you to marry him?" Cristina asked, leaning back in her chair.

"Well, considering it is not a rhetorical question, Cristina, a 'yes' or 'no' probably would have sufficed." Meredith answered, watching Cristina carefully.

"Well, thank you Einstein, thanks. That helps a lot!" Cristina replied, bitingly.

"Cristina, what do you want me to say? You obviously had a reason not to answer him. Maybe it is better not to answer until you are sure, one way or the other."

"Yeah, in the meantime, where am I supposed to go? He isn't exactly in a talkative mood, and I've had enough of his dirty looks. Going on call was meant to be a respite from that…"

"Well, don't look at me. Our spare room is taken on account of spiders. The fact that you and your…whatever… aren't talking, well, that falls in second behind the spiders, and I don't think Derek would appreciate you bunking with us," Meredith laughed, squeezing Cristina lightly on the arm, a silent show of support, before walking out of the kitchen.

She walked down the hall, and into what was now known as the family room, following the noise. George and Alex were seated on the sofa, in the midst of a game of pinochle. Izzie was seated on the armchair opposite, laughing as the guys attempted to prove just how macho they were. Callie sat on the floor beside the sofa, cheering George on. Meredith was leaning one shoulder against the wall watching her friends, a small smile on her face, when she felt a familiar presence move in behind her. Relaxing, she leaned back into his embrace, grabbing his arms and folding them around her middle.

"She went down okay?" Meredith asked, tilting her head back to rest against his neck.

"Yep. We read a story, and she is now sound asleep with Barney to keep her company." Derek answered, inhaling the soft fragrance of her hair.

"Good." Meredith replied, the exhaustion from the day hitting her all at once.

"You tired?" He asked, leaning down to kiss her neck.

"Mmmm," was all the reply she could muster, his body heat wrapping around her, if anything, making her more exhausted. All she wanted was to curl up in bed, and go to sleep, a dreamless, sound sleep that would leave her refreshed come morning.

"See, this is exactly why I didn't answer him," a voice said from behind their backs.

Derek twisted his head around to face the voice, a mixed look of confusion and amusement on his face. He felt Meredith give a little chuckle, as she turned so that they were now both facing Cristina, but he arms were still securely around her tiny waist. He looked down at Meredith, and then back to Cristina, trying to figure out what was going on, but realizing at the same time that he should be used to being out of the loop as far as these two were concerned. They seemed to speak their own language. He could be in the room, and they could be talking, and he would have no idea what they were talking about. Although, often he could manage to pry Meredith for information, using techniques very unique to him, breaking down her resistance. He got the information he was after, and had fun doing it.

"Am I missing something?" He asked, his head going back and forward between the two women.

"Always," Meredith giggled, twisting up to look at him, her smile warming his heart the way it still did after three years of marriage.

"Alright then," he accepted easily, knowing it was pointless to argue.

"Eugh," Cristina said, the look on her face showing how much she didn't appreciate the happy couple in front of her.

"What?" Meredith asked, tearing her eyes away from Derek's.

"Nothing, it's just…you two are so… _married_!" Cristina replied, before pushing past them, and walking further into the room, her gaze now on the two men still wrestling on the couch, their thumbs caught in the battle of a lifetime.

Meredith pulled away from the warmth and comfort of Derek's embrace, and followed Cristina into the room, fulfilling her duties as hostess, even though she was so exhausted she could barely move. Derek followed along behind her, watching Alex and George, an intrigued expression on his face.

"What exactly are you two doing?" He questioned, sinking down onto another armchair, and reaching out for Meredith, pulling her onto his lap, and resting his hand on her upper thigh.

"I'm proving to Alex that I am just as strong as he is," George panted, twisting his wrist in an awkward position to try to get back the upper-hand, or rather the upper-thumb.

Alex laughed, easily going along with George's contortionist act, twisting his hand while rapidly moving his thumb back and forward, trying to trap George's thumb under his own.

"Dude, I'm kicking your ass!" He boasted, at last succeeding in pushing his thumb squarely on top of George's. He counted to three, before finally releasing his friend's hand.

"Whoo hoo! I'm the man!" Alex yelled, throwing his hands in the air. "Don't take it to heart, Georgie-boy."

"You may be the man, Alex, but you will be missing some vital parts that allow you to make that statement if you wake my currently silent daughter," Meredith said, frowning at Alex.

"Hey, Miss Becky and I get on fine…If she wakes up, I'll deal with her," Alex said with a wink, before he reached over and rubbed George's hair. "Oh, don't look so sad birthday boy…I'll let you win next-time to preserve your manhood."

George brushed Alex aside, and stood up.

"Whatever. I don't need to win a thumb wrestle to prove my manhood." George remarked, trying to distract his audience from the dull red flush working its way across his cheeks.

"Probably a good thing," Alex said, laughing.

Meredith could see an argument forming, so did her best to distract the two men, one glaring, and another grinning.

"Did anyone want a coffee, or…?"

"Thanks, Meredith, but we really should be going. I have to be up early," Callie said, reaching her hand up to George, who grasped it and pulled his wife up from the floor.

"Who doesn't!" Izzie said, uncurling her long legs from the armchair and getting to her feet.

"You need a ride home, Iz?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, that'd be good. If you don't mind," Izzie replied, flicking Alex a quick smile, and bending down to pick up her purse.

"Nah, it's no problem. You don't live far from me!" Alex answered, grinning back at her.

George and Callie retrieved their coats, and the presents, and made their way to the front door.

"Thanks Mer," George said, trying to juggle coats, presents and Callie's hand.

"Hey, I only supplied the house. Izzie organized it and cooked all the food. She also never informed me that she didn't have a venue till yesterday," Meredith replied, turning to look at Izzie, who merely rolled her eyes.

"Well, thanks anyway," George said, watching the play between his friends. "Thanks Iz!"

Izzie just inclined her head, and smiled. "Travel safe, you guys."

"Bye Meredith….Dr Shepherd." George gave Derek a weird look before pulling Callie out the door.

"Happy birthday, George." Meredith said, her eyes warm, before waving them out the door.

"He's never going to call me Derek, is he?" Derek whispered in Meredith's ear.

"Probably not," she whispered back, a laugh tainting her words.

Cristina walked to the front door, brushing past Meredith and Derek, yelling, "I'll see you later," on her way out.

"Okay, Iz, we have to go to!" Alex said, slapping his hands on his thighs, and leaping to his feet.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. Oh, Mer, if I come over tomorrow night sometime? That okay?" Izzie asked, walking slowly towards the door.

"That's fine, Izzie. Whenever," Meredith replied.

"Oh thanks you guys, so much! I asked Cristina but she was all…well, Cristina, so I really appreciate this, and I promise…" Izzie began, interrupted mid-ramble by Alex, who pushed his way past her, and out the front door.

"IZZIE! Stop rambling, and get your ass in the car!" He shouted.

"You know, a nice 'hurry it along' was all it would have taken…there was no reason to be rude. You know, sometimes, Alex…." Izzie's voice faded away as Meredith shut the door, closing out the sound of her friends arguing their way to the car.

Meredith locked the door, and leaned her back against it, facing Derek.

"Meredith?" Derek asked, raising one eyebrow and staring at her.

"Mmmm?"

"What exactly did Izzie mean when she said she would be back tomorrow?"

"Oh…crap! I forgot to tell you! She's getting her apartment exterminated tomorrow, and she needed somewhere to stay…" Meredith said, trailing off, a guilty look on her face.

"And it didn't occur to you to ask the man of the household?" Derek asked, the corners of his eyes wrinkling into a smile.

"Actually, no, it didn't. Where is he? I'll ask him now," Meredith teased, a cheeky grin crossing her face.

"Okay, that's it, you asked for it!"

Derek walked towards her, and swung her up into his arms, one behind her knees, the other cradling her back, and headed up the stairs.

Meredith giggled, and Derek gave a hearty laugh in response.

"Shush!" Meredith whispered loudly, hitting his chest with the back of her hand. "You'll wake up Rebecca!"

"And that would be a problem because…? I'm the one who will have to get her back to sleep." Derek grinned.

"Oh… no! You don't get to complain about that! You leapt at the chance once you realized that my leaving left you to clear the table. Besides, if I had done it, you would have been left alone with a very excited Izzie, and a pissy Cristina." Meredith reminded him, as he carried her down the hall, and through their bedroom door, kicking it closed behind him.

"An excellent point," he whispered, lowering her onto their bed, before following her down, covering her soft body with his much harder one.

Derek leaned into her, kissing her softly on the lips, gradually increasing the pressure, until she was kissing him back. Her mouth opened beneath his and his mind spun, his body barely controlling the desire rampaging through him like wildfire. She made a small sound in the back of her throat as he thrust his tongue into her mouth, sliding it along the inside of her lower lip, teasing a response from her. Meredith slid her hands slowly up his neck, threading her fingers through his hair, while arching her back slightly, bringing him in closer contact with her entire length.

"How tired are you?" Derek asked huskily, tearing his lips away from hers, breathing heavily.

"Not that tired," Meredith moaned, pulling his head back down to hers.

Derek slid his hand under her top, his warm flesh connecting with the soft skin of her stomach, as he slowly inched upwards. Cupping her supple, warm mound in his palm, he brushed his thumb over the tip, sending shock waves to the very core of her being. Her head fell back against the pillow, and she let out a soft sigh of delight. He continued teasing her, brushing his thumb back and forward, back and forward. Why was it that all this man had to do was touch her and she literally melted?

Meredith slipped her hands under his shirt, running her hands up and down his back, feeling the muscles bunch beneath her touch. She fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, pulling them through the buttonholes, before slipping the shirt away from his shoulders, and tossing it to the floor. He shuffled his way out of his pants, leaving him naked, before tugging at her clothes.

Meredith was barely aware of him pulling her shirt over her head, and snapping the clasp of her bra, before all barriers were gone, and he had free reign, running his hands and lips down her neck, across her breasts, and back up to her mouth.

Derek unzipped her jeans, easing them gently down her legs, before they were off, then he was hooking his fingers in her panties, and slipping them down. He moved his hand slowly up the inside of her thigh, teasing her, watching as her legs opened slightly. He pressed the tip of his finger on her throbbing centre, and she arched against his hand, needing more, wanting more, demanding more.

Derek slid up her body, his legs tangling with hers, before she rolled him onto his back, rising up over him, taking him in, in one swift movement. He filled her, heart, body and soul, and she clung to him, trusting him to take her higher, farther, deeper than he had before. Derek whispered her name, reaching up to draw her lips back down to his, his mouth hot and hungry, his tongue demanding entry in the depths of her, while he took her with such tenderness that her body melted into bliss, and shortly after he followed, releasing into her.

Meredith collapsed against his chest, resting her head above his heart, listening to the rapid beat, while he stroked her hair, rolled them both onto their sides, and pulled the blanket up over them. It was the last thing she remembered before she succumbed to the darkness.

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Derek awoke some time later, reaching for Meredith, but he was grasping at nothing but air. He rolled over and saw her side of the bed was empty and cold, indicating she had left some time ago. He swung his feet over the side of the bed, reached down for his boxer shorts, shoved them on and went in search of his wife.

Derek wandered down the hall, heading for Rebecca's bedroom, and peeked inside. Meredith had moved the rocking chair from the corner of the room to place it beside the cot, and was sound asleep, her head tilted at an odd angle, the baby monitor sitting in her lap. He walked quietly over to check on Rebecca, looking down at the sweet face, sleeping so soundly, her dark curls standing out against the stark white of the sheets. He reached in and gently pulled the blanket back up so that the baby was covered, and ran his hand tenderly over her forehead, a soft smile turning up the corner of his mouth. Her skin was so soft, just like her Mother's. Rebecca had inherited his hair and his eyes, but her nose, mouth and personality were all Meredith. She was an easy baby, which was helpful with two parents with demanding jobs. Meredith had taken a year off after the birth, and had only gone back to work a few months ago.

He turned to look at Meredith, who was clearly exhausted. She was still adjusting to getting by with little or no sleep, as taking a year off for maternity leave had adjusted the 'surgeons clock' she had perfected. That, on top of waking up to deal with Rebecca…it was taking it's toll, but thankfully Rebecca slept through the night most nights, and slowly but surely Meredith was getting used to waking up early and functioning on very little sleep.

Reaching down, he pulled the baby monitor out of her lap, and sat it on the floor, before bending over and slipping his hands under her knees, lifting her up into his arms. She murmured something incomprehensible, draping her arms around his neck, trusting him even in sleep. He carried her down the hall and back to their room, laying her gently on the bed, and covering her up. Then he returned to Rebecca's room, picked up the baby monitor, checked she was still asleep, and made his way back to his room.

He walked in quietly as not to wake Meredith, and slipped in between the sheets, turning to face her, and pulling her into his body, her back pressed up against his chest, his leg draped across both of hers. She gave a little sigh, wiggled a little, and then relaxed against him, her breathing even. Derek kissed the top of her head, before shutting his eyes, and letting sleep overtake him once more.

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Derek groaned as the alarm clock started beeping, forcing him out of a deep sleep. He rolled away from Meredith and hit the button with the back of his hand. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking twice, stretched, sighed and got out of bed.

"Meredith." He called from across the room, waiting for her to wake. She didn't so much as stir.

He walked across the room and knelt down beside the bed, brushing a strand of hair off her face.

"Meredith, you have to get up," he said softly, slowly rousing her from a heavy sleep.

"Mmmumpph," she mumbled, turning her face into the pillow, and sighing deeply.

"What?" Derek laughed, pushing gently on her shoulder, and turning her around to face him. "What did you say?"

"Nothing important," she mumbled, slowly sitting up, rubbing her eyes, and yawning widely.

"Alright," he said, tilting his head, and looking at her intensely, a frown marring his forehead.

"What?" She asked, yawning again, swinging her feet over the side of the bed, and running her fingers through her long blonde locks.

"You look tired. Too tired," raising his hand to cup her cheek, running his thumb over the soft skin.

"Thanks. Just what every woman wants to hear before she gets up to face the day." Meredith remarked dryly.

"Meredith…" Derek warned, his eyes twinkling.

"I'm fine, Derek. Yes, I'm tired, but only because Rebecca woke up last night, and it took _forever_ to get her to go back down, but I'm fine."

"Why didn't you wake me? I could have done it." Derek said, watching as she stood up, hunting around the room for some clothes to wear.

"Derek, you worked a long shift yesterday, and you put up with having everyone over last night, even though you were tired…I couldn't have woken you. You need just as much sleep as I do." Meredith replied, frowning as she walked around the room, obviously looking for something.

"What are you looking for?" Derek asked, grinning a little at the frustration evident on her face.

"My black bra I had on yesterday…"

"Which black one? You have many black bras." Derek asked, watching her hunt around the room.

"The black one with the little bow at the front…" she replied, distracted.

"Ah, yes. I know the one. I know it well," Derek laughed, raising one eyebrow suggestively.

She rolled her eyes at him, and got down on her hands and knees, checking under the bed.

Derek gave the room a quick scan, before letting out a laugh, and reaching over to the bedside lamp, and plucking the bra dangling from it.

"This one?" He asked, holding it by the strap between thumb and forefinger, and swinging it gently.

"Yes!" She said triumphantly, bounding over to him, and holding out her hand.

He draped one end of the bra in her outstretched hand, holding onto the other, and looked at her, a huge grin on his face.

Meredith gave Derek a weird look, and waited for him to release his end, dropping it into her waiting hand. He merely looked at her, his eyes brimming with mischief. She shot him a puzzled frown, before attempting to clasp her hand over the dangling bra strap, only to find him jerk it out of her reach.

"Derek, what are you…" Meredith began, only to be interrupted.

"Give me a good morning kiss, and it's all yours," he said, still holding the bra far out of her reach.

"What are you, two years old? I'm not kissing you! You haven't brushed your teeth yet…and, for that matter, neither have I!" She exclaimed, stretching up on her toes to try to grab the end of the bra swaying in mid-sir.

He simply stretched up higher, still grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Derek," she scolded, trying hard not to laugh, and to keep the stern look of disappointment. She failed miserably, laughter bursting from her as she tried to stretch her small body even higher.

"Would… you… just…" she panted, still laughing, leaping in the air for the bra dangling just out of her reach.

"Come on, Meredith, one kiss and it is all yours." He said, wiggling his eyebrows at her, somehow still managing to look determined.

Meredith paused, looking at him for a minute, before she sighed, resigned to her fate.

"Fine," she said, settling back down on her feet.

"_Fine_? That's all I get? A 'fine' from the woman who is supposed to love me?" Derek mocked.

"When you hold my bra hostage, all you deserve is a fine," she said, waiting as he filled in the space between them.

When Derek put his arm around her waist to tug her to him, Meredith put both hands flat against his chest and pushed with all her might, toppling them both onto the bed, their bodies bouncing twice before coming to a stop. Quick as lightning, Meredith stretched her body up his, and grabbed the bra still clutched in his hand, and snatched it from him, giving a triumphant laugh. Derek looked shocked for a second, before he grinned, and flipped her onto her back, pressing his body against hers.

"You may have the bra, but I have you," he whispered, pinning her arms above her head, and staring into her beautiful green-blue eyes.

"You always had me," she whispered back, the bra forgotten, falling out of her now limp hands.

Derek leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, nibbling at the corner of her mouth, drawing a low moan from her, before he claimed her lips as his own, his hands tangling in her hair, allowing her no escape. Not that she wanted to. He deepened the kiss, putting every feeling her had for her into it, every raw emotion. Meredith ran her fingers up over his shoulders, burying them in his hair, pulling him even closer to her.

The sound of a baby crying pulled them away from each other with a groan. Derek rolled off her and got to his feet, waiting till she grasped his hands, and pulled her up off the bed.

"I'll get her," she said, walking out of the room. "You go have a shower, get ready for work."

Meredith walked down the hall to her daughter's bedroom, bending down to pick her up. Immediately the tears stopped, and Rebecca gave her Mother a little grin, before snuggling her head into Meredith's neck. It never ceased to amaze her how much comfort she could bring to her daughter. It wasn't something she had ever had with her own Mother, which was why she had been terrified her when she found out she was pregnant. Would she be a good Mother? Would she manage to completely screw up her child, make them 'dark and twisty'? The panic had overwhelmed her at times, and she had convinced herself she couldn't do it. She couldn't raise a child. But Derek had been so excited, going to every check up, driving out at all hours of the night to feed her cravings, painting the nursery. She hadn't had the heart to tell him she wasn't sure she could do it…he never knew about the panic attacks, the hour after hour with no sleep, doubts and insecurities running through her head. He never knew she had cried herself to sleep on many an occasion, sick with fear.

But all that had changed the minute Rebecca was born. The tiny little baby had broken past all her defenses, and filled some of the hole left by her parent's abandonment. Meredith finally had a family, a real family to call her own. She had someone to love and be loved by. She had Derek and Rebecca, and she was happy, she was truly happy. And that was a miracle in itself.  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Clearly I have no affiliation or association with Grey's Anatomy. (Thought I had better add this here as, idiot that I am, I forgot to add it on page one.)**

_**Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews, I really appreciated them…although, since reading them, I have to say I feel bad about where this story is going. Just so it is clear, this is 100 percent MerDer…so no worries on that front:) I have had this idea in my head for a long time (not sure what it says about me), and it wouldn't leave, so I began writing down a plan for each chapter. However, once I had started, I began to read an awesome story with a slightly similar plot, or a similar theme, I should say. So I emailed the writer of that story, to check whether she would mind me posting this, as I didn't want to upset anyone. So, thank you very much to her for saying 'of course not.' :) Hope you enjoy, please continue to feel free to review, and please don't hurt me:) **_

"Crap! Mer? I need help!...I…_damn it_!" a voice called out from the front door, frustration evident in her voice.

"What?" Meredith called back, peaking her head out of the kitchen doorway, Rebecca settled safely on her hip.

The sight before her made her laugh, Rebecca looked at her Mother, and then laughed too, waving her hands in the air. The street lights glistened in the darkness, outlining the person standing at the front door. Izzie was leaning half in the door, half out the door, her arms loaded with bags stuffed full of clothes, a box full of books, and she had a pair of running shoes laced together and wrapped around her neck. At her feet lay the contents of a bag that had turned upside down, depositing its contents on the doorstep.

"Izzie, how long exactly were you planning on staying? That is a whole lot of stuff for a few days," Meredith asked, still laughing.

"Well," Izzie began, shifting the bags and the box to try to get a better grip, "I just didn't want to leave my stuff there…you know, just in case something goes wrong, or they miss some spiders. I should only be here a few days…honest. I just didn't know what to take, and what to leave. But… you know, instead of standing there laughing at me, you could give me a hand…please?! It's cold, and it's dark out here."

"Okay, hang on a minute." Meredith replied, her eyes glinting in amusement.

Meredith walked into the family room, and sat Rebecca in the play pen, handing her Barney, before walking back into the hallway.

"Here, give me the box. You keep the bags." Meredith said, stretching her arm out to take the offering, before holding the door open for Izzie to walk through.

Izzie side-stepped through the door, the sneakers around her neck slapping together with each step she took, and worked her way slowly up the stairs. Meredith put the box down on the bottom step, and returned to her daughter, picking her up. The baby grabbed a strand of Meredith's hair, and pulled, winding it around her tiny fist, while gurgling away to herself.

"Ouch. Sweetie, let go of Mommy's hair…please?" Meredith begged, reaching up and starting to untangle her hair from her gleeful daughter, giving a giggle as she managed to work the strand free. Rebecca frowned, a frown so like her father's, looking most displeased with this turn of events. "Thank you," Meredith said seriously, dropping a quick kiss on Rebecca's forehead.

Izzie came bounding down the stairs, holding her arms out, excitement lighting up her eyes.

"Hey Miss Muffet," she cooed, stroking one finger down the soft baby skin. "Can I take her?"

"Sure. I have to get things sorted in the kitchen." Meredith replied, handing Rebecca onto Izzie, and walking towards the kitchen.

"Uh, Mer, you aren't cooking, right? Because, you know, I can do that…" Izzie asked hesitantly, following Meredith in the kitchen, the baby balanced on her hip.

"No, Izzie, I'm not cooking…I'm doing the dishes. I assure you that I am quite competent, and promise not to flood the kitchen." Meredith replied, sarcastically.

"Oh, okay then," the blonde replied, relief evident on her face.

"Who's flooding the kitchen?" Derek asked, amused, standing in the doorway, a comical expression on his face.

"Hey, you're home early!" Meredith exclaimed, turning away from the sink to greet her husband with a smile. "I thought you said you wouldn't be home till late?"

"Yeah, I know. The patient crashed on the table." Derek replied, tiredly running his hands over his chin, and the day old stubble that resided there.

"Damn," Izzie said quietly, looking at him in sympathy.

"Yeah," he acknowledged, reaching over and lifting Rebecca out of Izzie's arms, giving her a sound kiss on her cheek.

The baby grinned, her blue eyes twinkling in delight. He blew lightly across her cheek, and she giggled, clapping her hands together.

"You know, she laughs just like you, Mer," Izzie observed, watching Derek tease the daughter he clearly adored.

"Yeah, she does…which is why I love making her laugh," Derek answered, glancing across the room at Meredith, who was watching them intently. She caught his gaze, and smiled, lighting up her entire face. He grinned in reaction, the love he felt for her clearly evident in the way his eyes sparkled.

"Of course, we all know that Cristina agrees," Derek said, tearing his gaze from Meredith, and looking at Rebecca. He frowned, and she automatically copied the expression, screwing up her forehead, and frowning intensely, knitting her small eyebrows together.

Meredith chuckled. She vividly remembered the first time Rebecca had laughed in Cristina's presence. Only Cristina could compliment her and insult her husband, all at the same time.

"_Oh, thank God. She laughs like Mer." Cristina had stated, bluntly, staring at the child in Meredith's arms._

"_Why thank God?" Derek had asked, clearly offended._

"_Because, that child has your eyes and your hair. She is you born again. Sure, she has Mer's nose and mouth, but the dominant features are yours. If she is going to be the one kid I like, she needed something more substantial of Mer's," Cristina had replied, giving him a look as if to say that should have been perfectly obvious._

"_Uh, am I being insulted?" Derek had asked, looking incredulously at Cristina, before turning to look at Burke, who was doing his best to hide his smile._

"_I think so, yes," Burke had answered, before he could no longer contain his grin._

"So, what's with the huge box on the stairs?" Derek asked, looking from Meredith to Izzie, questioningly.

"Oh, crap, that's mine…sorry...I'll go move it." Izzie darted out of the room, missing the look Derek gave Meredith.

"What? She's only here for a few days…and its Izzie…she gets a little carried away. She didn't want to leave anything of importance at her apartment because, well, something to do with spiders…but she is easy enough to live with, Derek. She'll bake you cookies…" Meredith trailed off, giving him a grin after making that promise.

"Better be a big cookie…" He grumbled, before winking at her.

She laughed, drying her wet hands on the hand towel, and crossed the kitchen, holding out her hands for Rebecca. "Here, I'll take her. It's her bed time."

"I can put her to bed…" Derek said, holding on tight to his little girl.

"I'm aware of the, but no offense, you need a shower, _and_ you need a shave if you think you are coming anywhere near me…I don't want anymore scratch marks that I have to hide. Cristina never lets me hear the end of it and neither does Alex, George blushes, and Izzie is far too gleeful, and frankly, I can't be bothered with that." Meredith retorted, grinning a little.

"So I have a choice between not putting my daughter to bed, and spending the night away from my wife?" Derek asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Sucks, doesn't it," Meredith teased, reaching up to take her daughter.

Derek laughed, handing Rebecca to Meredith. He leaned down, and kissed the baby on the forehead, before he headed upstairs for a shower.

Meredith went to follow him up, passing the family room, and glanced inside. The room was a mess, toys Rebecca had been playing with strewn all over the floor, Derek's shoes laying by the sofa where he had kicked them off. Meredith changed direction, and walked into the room. She sat Rebecca on the floor while she quickly tidied up, picking up the toys and placing them in the toy box in the far corner of the room. She straightened the magazines on the coffee table, and put the coasters away. She was just drawing the curtains when she heard a little voice behind her.

"Mama." Rebecca cooed, walking slowly across the room towards her mother, her arms out-stretched, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Hey baby girl, I know you're sleepy, but mommy's done now. She can take you to bed. Up we go!" Meredith bending down to pick the little girl up, softly brushing wisps of hair off her face, and settling her on her hip. The baby rested her head against Meredith's shoulder, her hands clasped into fists, one coming up to rub her eyes.

Meredith carried Rebecca up the hall and into her bedroom, laying her on the changing table. With quiet efficiency, Meredith stripped off the dirty diaper, replacing it with a clean one, and began to get the child ready for bed, all the while pulling faces at her to keep her occupied. While Rebecca was an easy child, she hated getting changed, and once she got started there was no stopping her. Her daughter had healthy lungs, that was for sure, and Meredith hated hearing her cry. She poked her tongue out and wiggled her eyebrows, catching Rebecca's attention, and making the little girl giggle in delight.

Derek leant against the doorframe to his daughter's bedroom, watching Meredith get her ready for bed. It never ceased to amaze him how much contentment he could feel while watching his wife with his daughter. He watched, amused, as Meredith began to pull faces, tickling their daughter on her stomach while she swiftly got her dressed.

"Well, that's an improvement," Derek said quietly from the doorway, grinning at her. "If only you looked like that all the time." He winked at her, his hair wet from the shower, curling against his forehead. He had shaved, as instructed, his chin now smooth and stubble-free.

Meredith whipped around, rolling her eyes at him, before turning back to the changing table, and picking Rebecca up. She carried her over to the cot, and gently laid her down, covering her with the blankets, and tucking her in. She leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss on the tiny forehead, a soft smile on her mouth. Derek walked into the room, and mimicked Meredith's actions, giving his daughter a kiss goodnight. Both adults watched as Rebecca's eyelids began to flutter, before she gave in and closed them, drifting off into sleep. Meredith flicked on the baby monitor, and the couple walked silently out of the room.

"She was tired," Derek observed, quietly clicking the door shut.

"Mmmm, thank goodness. Hopefully she will sleep right through tonight." Meredith sighed, leaning into Derek's side. He wrapped his arm around her waist, kissing her softly on the head, smoothing her hair.

"You want to get an early night?" He asked, tilting her chin so that he could look into her eyes.

"Yeah, that would be good," she answered, stepping away from him, "But Izzie is here, and we can't just disappear to our room."

"Actually, you can," came a voice from down the hall. "I told you that I wouldn't be a bother, and I meant it. I have to get up early tomorrow morning too, Mer, and to be honest I haven't slept well the past few nights. I kept feeling spiders walking on me," Izzie shivered, "which is not exactly conducive to a good night's sleep."

"Okay, Iz. Have a good sleep. I put some fresh towels on your bed for the morning." Meredith replied, a look of relief on her face. She was so tired she felt like she could sleep for a thousand years and not wake up.

"Thanks Mer. Goodnight, you two." With that, Izzie disappeared into her room, softly closing the door behind her.

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Meredith headed for their bedroom, walked over to Derek's dresser, and began rummaging through his drawer. She frowned, her expression serious until she pulled something out, lifted it to her face and inhaled, smiling softly and closing the drawer, the item still in her hand.

"Uh, Meredith, what are you doing?" Derek asked, looking at her suspiciously.

She just grinned at him, and disappeared into the bathroom. He heard the shower turn on, and then Meredith began humming to herself. Five minutes later, the door opened and she came out, carrying a bottle of lotion, wearing none other than his favorite t-shirt which, due to her size, she was literally swimming in. It reached the middle of her thigh before there was nothing but smooth, flawless skin.

Derek groaned, "Meredith, I thought we had discussed this."

"Why, whatever do you mean?" she asked, innocently.

"You can't keep taking my shirts. Eventually, I _am_ going to run out…and that is my favorite one!" Derek protested.

"Derek, there are menswear shops for a reason. You should try them sometime. If you run out of shirts, you can always buy more." Meredith replied, sitting on the edge of the bed, and snapping opening the lotion, pouring some onto her legs, and rubbing it in.

"You know, you could buy yourself a t-shirt to wear to bed, and then we wouldn't have to keep having this argument." Derek reminded her.

"I realize that, but your shirts are different. They're so soft."

"That's because they are old…hence the 'favorite shirt' thing! They are soft because I love to wear them!"

"Yeah, but they smell like you. I like sleeping in something that smells like you." Meredith pouted.

Derek sighed, sitting down beside her on the bed.

"Well, when you put it like that, I can hardly refuse, can I?"

"Nope" Meredith giggled.

He smiled in response, leaning in to brush his lips against hers.

"But please try to make this one last longer, you wore the other one out, and I like my t-shirts soft, too. I would rather not have to buy new ones just yet."

Meredith merely smiled, glanced up at him from beneath her lashes, and continued rubbing the lotion onto her legs, before replying, "I believe you ripped the last one, so you can't blame me for that."

"I was provoked!" Derek protested, before resigning himself to his fate. "Fine, keep the shirt," he sighed.

Meredith leant over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you," she replied, simply.

Derek opened his mouth to say something, when he was interrupted by his pager, beeping incessantly. He picked it up, looked at it and sighed.

"You have to go back in?" Meredith asked, giving him a sympathetic look.

"Yeah. There's a head trauma flying to the hospital now, ETA 10 minutes. I don't know what time I'll be home." He said, looking apologetic.

"That's okay." Meredith replied, smiling up at him, "I'll just see you when I see you."

Derek leaned down, cupping the back of her neck and giving her a quick kiss. He reluctantly released her, before grabbing his car keys from the bedside table, and disappearing out the door. She waited, and heard the click of the front door, and then the car pulling out the driveway.

Meredith sighed deeply, pulling the blankets back, and climbing into bed. She was so tired. So tired, in fact, that she left the lotion on the bedside table, instead of taken it back to the bathroom as she usually did. She reached over and turned off the lamp by her bed, throwing the bedroom into darkness. Rolling onto her side, she grabbed Derek's pillow and pressed it up against her, clinging to it, pretending he was in bed beside her, his scent floating around her, comforting her. She gave into the exhaustion and slipped away into the darkness.

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Meredith awoke with a start. She had a feeling, a bad feeling. Something somewhere was monstrously wrong. Her heart was pounding, her palms sweaty and there was a nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach. She sat up, swinging her feet over the side of the bed, and getting to her feet, flicking on the light and glancing around the room, trying to find a reason for her sudden panic. The light cast a shadow over the room, the corners dark and gloomy, but there was nothing there, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to explain the gnawing feeling in her stomach, the panic slowly overtaking her. She swiftly walked to the bedroom door, and yanked it open, adrenalin making her movements jerky and unnatural. She stepped out into the hall, looking down the passageway, frowning a little, before her eyes fell on Rebecca's bedroom door. Her eyes widened, and soon she was running, running towards the door, running towards where she was now sure the problem lay. Meredith twisted the knob, and ran towards the cot, her heart pounding.

She was still for a moment, before her mouth opened in terror. She wanted to scream, but no sound came out. She pulled back the blankets, and lifted the still body of her daughter out of the cot, placing her on the floor, desperately searching for a pulse. There wasn't one. There was no sign of life in the tiny body. This time, this time her scream bubbled to the surface, echoing around the room, high, pained, desperate.

"IZZIE!"

Meredith began breathing into the little girls mouth, pushing on her tiny chest, desperate for some hope, any hope, any sign of life. _One, two, three, four, five, breathe, one, two, three, four, five, breathe._

Izzie stumbled her way into the room, her eyes bleary with sleep, her hair mussed and tangled. She took in the sight in front of her, Meredith's frantic movements, the still small body on the floor.

"Oh my god….. Meredith!" Izzie breathed, standing still in shock.

"Call 911!" Meredith cried out between breathes, still rhythmically pushing and breathing, pushing and breathing.

Izzie froze for a second, before she whipped around and fled the room, her footsteps fading into the distance.

Meredith continued her ministrations of the floor, her voice screaming inside her head. _One… two… three… four… five… breathe damn it, breathe! Oh, please breathe, please don't be…one… two… three… four… five… breathe…please, please, please, oh breathe! Oh god, please…please breathe for me! One…two…three…four…five…breathe. _

Meredith worked on the baby continually, never stopping, never taking a break. She felt like she was suspended in time, the world swirling around her, rushing by while she worked. She heard a roaring in her ears, getting closer and closer, dipping in and out, but nothing stopped her, nothing distracted her from the still, lifeless body. She heard a door open, and footsteps pounding up the hall, but nothing mattered, nothing mattered if her daughter didn't breathe…so she worked, she worked harder, breathing for her, never stopping, never giving up.

She heard someone yelling, but the words were lost in space, in time, and in her world, time held no place, it didn't exist, it didn't matter, nothing mattered. Nothing except her and her baby…nothing was more important…so she kept working, kept breathing, kept silently begging.

Meredith felt strong arms gripping her, tearing her away from her baby. She cried out, the sound one of terror. She struggled, clawing at the arms, struggling in a desperate attempt to get back to the floor, but the arms were steel rods, trapping her arms to her sides, strengthening each time she struggled. She watched helplessly as a man took her place on the floor, working on her baby, his movements repetitive and precise, professional, uninvolved. While he worked to get her baby to breathe, Meredith struggle to get air into her own lungs. She felt as if she was drowning, crushed underneath the water, fear clawing at her throat, making it impossible to breathe. She began panting, no longer struggling against her captor's grip…but waiting, waiting for that inevitable breath, waited to see the color pour back into her daughter's face, waiting to hear her infectious little giggle…she would even accept a cry…anything that was a sign of life, anything that would melt away the panic gripping her, filling her soul.

The sign never came.

At 2.44am, the paramedics stopped working on Rebecca Grace Shepherd. She had slipped away.  
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	3. Chapter 3

Derek reached up and pulled off his scrub cap. He was flying high, soaring even when he should have been exhausted. The surgery had gone better than he had thought it would, and he watched as his patient, a 26 year old woman, was wheeled off to recovery. The first 24 hours would be critical, but it was looking good. He had controlled the bleeding, and saved her life. When he had stepped into the OR after arriving at the hospital and scrubbing in, he had been tired. Not exhausted, just tired. But as soon as he had made his first cut, he was wide awake, focused on the job at hand, determined to save the life of the woman whose life had been placed in his hands. But now…now the tiredness had hit him again, and he longed for his bed. But first, first there was the small matter of the woman's fiancé sitting in the waiting room, hoping for an update, waiting to find out if he had a wedding to plan, or a funeral. For Derek, that was one of the highs of the job – informing the family that the person they so dearly loved had survived, and wasn't leaving them just yet. Of course, there was always the low that came with telling the family there was nothing more he could do, that they now had one less member for family pictures, one less member for Christmas, one less birthday to celebrate. It came with the job; the ability to thrill or devastate with just a few words. But in this case, Derek had something good to say, and he knew if it was him and Meredith had been in surgery, he would be frantic, and he would need to know as soon as possible. He deserved to show the same consideration to another man, desperate to know how his fiancé was doing.

Derek scrubbed out, and walked swiftly towards the waiting room, his pace quickening with each step. The sooner he gave this man back his love, the sooner he could go home to see his. He remembered the way she had looked when she had come out of the bathroom wearing his shirt. His shirt. He may have complained, but there was something incredibly sexy about his wife wearing clothing that belonged to him. He decided then and there to never tell her that…hell, if she knew that, he'd be topless all day long. There would be no way she would give him back his shirts.

Derek walked up to the man slumped over in the corner of the waiting room, tears spilling slowly down his cheeks.

"Mr Marshall?" Derek called softly.

Ian Marshall's head shot up at the sound of the man's voice who had told him not 5 hours ago that he would do everything he could for his fiancé.

"Yes?" he acknowledged cautiously, clearly afraid of what he would hear.

"I was able to stop the bleeding, without causing any more damage. The next 24 hours will be crucial, but assuming all goes well, she will be fine. She's in recovery if you would like to see her." Derek said, smiling at the man before him.

"She's...I…She's…she's okay?" Ian Marshall stammered, wiping his eyes.

"For now she is stable, yes. And it is looking like she will remain that way." Derek said gently, indicating for the man to follow him.

Ian Marshall got to his feet, a slow smile spreading across his face. He turned, grabbed his leather jacket from the seat beside his, and eagerly followed Derek towards the recovery wing.

Derek watched from just outside the room as the man leaned over and kissed his partner on the lips, running his hand over her forehead. Derek smiled softly before he turned and walked towards the attendings locker room, eager to get changed and go home. He had somewhere he would rather be. He had someone he would rather be with.

Derek left the hospital, walking swiftly towards his car. It was still cold out, the wind chilling him to the bone. Shivering slightly he reached his car and leapt inside, twisting the key in the ignition and flipping on the heat in one fluid motion. His cell phone rang, trilling loudly on the seat beside him, but as he reached across to grab it the ringing stopped, only to be followed by a loud beep. His battery was dead.

"Damn it!" He swore, flinging the useless phone back onto the seat. It was probably Meredith, either wondering what time he would be getting home or wanting him to pick up something on the way. He checked his watch, 3.01am. He sighed deeply. He needed a new job.

He switched on the radio, anything to keep him awake, before he backed out of the parking lot and began the drive home.

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As Derek drove up the street, he noticed the lights flashing in the distance and the number of people that had gathered outside wrapped up in their dressing gowns. The closer he got, the more worried he became. What the hell had happened?

As he got even closer his stomach sunk to his knees and he floored the car, motoring towards the flashing lights, the flashing lights coming from outside _his_ house. He parked the car up the street and leapt out, running towards the crowd of people, scanning for Meredith, Izzie and Rebecca. None of them were there. He was met with sympathetic glances, mothers from around the neighborhood wiping their eyes. With his heart in his throat, he pushed through the crowd, bounding up the driveway and coming face to face with a man in a uniform.

"I'm sorry sir, this is a restricted area…you can't be here," the man said, looking Derek up and down.

"Like hell I can't. This is my house! This is my family!" With that Derek shoved the man aside and ran inside the house.

Izzie was standing at the base of the stairs, tears streaming down her face. She was attempting to answer the questions she was being asked by the dark haired policeman, and she was shaking her head back and forward, her hand covering her mouth to stifle the sobs.

She looked up when he burst through the door, tears dripping off her chin and she just stared at him not saying a word. Her silence spoke volumes.

It hit him. He _knew_. Derek bounded up the stairs two at a time his heart thumping in his chest, his hands shaking uncontrollably as he made his was down the hallway. He knew what he would see when he walked into the pale yellow room he had so loving painted just over a year ago. He knew what would become a reality as soon as stepped into the room, the room with the stenciled walls; butterflies and flowers he had complained about having to do but secretly enjoyed. So he paused outside the door his feet refusing to move, his mind, body and soul rejecting the reality he knew he had to face. He had wanted to get home to the someplace he would always rather be. And now that he was there, he wished he was anywhere else, anywhere where he would not have to accept the reality before him. Anywhere that would get him far away from here.

And then it came. Sending chills down his back. His hair stood on end. The moan was low, a cry full of despair, pain, and anguish. A cry that could only have come from one person. A moan that tore at the very core of his being. It was as if someone had reached in and squeezed his heart, before ripping it from his chest. The cry, so like that of a wounded animal penetrated his dull fog, propelling him forward. Forcing his feet to move Derek entered the bedroom, his eyes taking in the sight before him.

He staggered, grabbing the doorframe in support. His baby girl, his little precious baby girl was lying so still, so lifeless. She looked like the porcelain doll his mother had kept on their hall table when he was growing up, the one she had been given as a child. It too had been still but perfect, the expression painted on. Never altering, never smiling, yet never crying. He hadn't known it at the time, but that doll had been an embodiment of what his life would turn out to be, of the way his daughter would look in death. Still, cold, lifeless. Dead. Dead. _Dead._ Derek felt the breath whoosh out of his body and he began to shake uncontrollably his heart still pounding in his chest, the beat throbbing inside his head. He watched helplessly as a man he didn't know, and never wanted to see again covered his motionless daughter with a crisp white sheet, hiding her face forever from his view.

Derek closed his eyes trying to rid his mind of the image that would haunt him for the rest of his life, as the men carried the stretcher past him and through the door. He felt the air move as they whisked past him and continued out of the room. It was in that moment that he realized his life had been changed forever. There was no more Derek, Meredith and Rebecca. There was only Derek and Meredith. Meredith. _Meredith._ Her name echoed in his mind and he wanted nothing more than to find her, to hold her, to love her. He needed her and he knew she needed him. He forced his heavy eyelids open and walked unsteadily into the nursery.

Huddled in the corner of the room was the figure he longed for, the figure he searched for. She was pressed tight to the walls with not an inch of space coming between her and her haven. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears and her face was ashen, not a drop of color marring her skin. She had her knees drawn up tight against her chest and her hands clasped securely around her knees in a protective gesture. Her chin rested on her knee and she looked like a lost child who had no one in the world, no one left to love them or care for them. Her breathing was slow and steady until the tiny sheet-covered body was lifted and placed on a stretcher, carried out of the room by men who did not know or love her.

And then Meredith's demeanor changed. Her breathing increased exponentially, her chest rising rapidly as she gasped for air. Derek couldn't handle watching her struggle any longer. He walked swiftly to the corner where she sat, and slid down the wall taking her into his arms. She collapsed against him; her head nestled in the dip of his throat. He realized that she was shivering violently, shaking almost as much as he was. He tightened his arms around her tiny frame, burying his face in her hair. Only then did he let the tears fall. Giant heavy tears that slid silently down his cheeks pooling on his chin, melting away into his wife's blonde hair. They clung together, one sobbing the other strangely silent aside from the odd gasp that rattled and rolled in her chest. They were parents no longer.

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Andrew Mead pulled the white sheet back sighing deeply, pushing his glasses back up his nose with one finger. This was one thing he hated about his job. He dealt with death everyday. It was his job to bring closure to families, to close a chapter of their lives that they almost always wished had never been written. The police found the criminals. They closed the door for those of this life. His job was to speak for those who could no longer speak for themselves. He did his job, and he did it well.

But it was cases like these that made him wonder why he had ever become a Medical Examiner. A child taken long before their time was not something that sat well with him. But he would speak on behalf of this beautiful, blue-eyed, dark haired little girl. He would give her parents some sense of closure, some explanation as to why their child had been ripped away from them.

No parent should ever have to bury their child. He had suffered through it. He knew what it was to watch as his son had taken his last breath. But he had been prepared for that. He had known the day was coming when he would hear his child's voice for the last time. He knew what that was like. But he couldn't imagine the emotional trauma of waking up to the shock of losing a child. So he would do what he could to lesson that burden. He would do his job.

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_**Author's Note: So no, it wasn't a nightmare, or some horrible dream…it was reality. And for that I am terribly sorry. This update was shorter than any other update will be, simply because it was hard to write, and I fear could be hard to read. So I cut it down. Things that were planned for this chapter will be spread out in further chapters.**_

_**Thank you all for the reviews….pathetic though it sounds, it is fun to check my emails, and have reviews to read. And I got a lot asking for me to update quickly, so I did my best :) But this story is not one you can simply throw together. Oh, while I'm babbling about reviews, congratulations to Maya92 who was the only one that I know of who clicked why this fic is called 'Tears In Heaven.' :) I did wonder if anyone would pick up on that.**_

_**This might not be how a body would be removed, but this is fiction…so I call it creative license ;) **_

_**Anyway, thank you so much for reading and reviewing :) I will get updates done as soon as possible. A huge thank you to those who helped me with this chapter!**_


	4. Chapter 4

Derek awoke as the sun slanted in the bedroom window casting brilliant shards of light over his eyes. He stirred and stretched slightly. The light brought with it a new day full of possibilities, but it didn't give him back what he wanted or what he needed. What he needed was to wake up and find that this was all a dream, to go back to a time when his life had made sense. A time when Becca was in his arms and Meredith was still Meredith. The new day might offer hope for some, but this new day held none for Derek. It didn't give him back his precious baby girl and it certainly didn't give him back his wife.

Meredith had barely spoken over the past few days, walking around the house in a daze. It didn't surprise him to awake and find her gone from their bed. She was barely sleeping and eating even less. She was alive but she wasn't living. He was sharing a house with a ghost of the woman he loved. He had lost his wife and his daughter in the space of a day and now he felt as if his world was caving in, suffocating him and there wasn't any way he could see to dig himself out.

Meredith had become mute Meredith. Her expression never changed. She never lost that dull look that made him weep in despair. Her eyes seemed blank and empty, deep pools of gloom. But it was more than that. She hadn't cried. She hadn't shouted. She hadn't railed against him and the world. She hadn't even seemed to acknowledge the fact that their daughter was gone. She merely stared off into space, giving monosyllabic answers when need be. Derek didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to reach her or how to help her deal with the pain. He didn't know how to help her because he barely knew how to help himself. And now his wife was back to the Meredith she was before they got married, the Meredith who avoided and shut him out. Only this was worse. This was much worse than he had ever experienced her. And he was at a loss as to how to go about fixing the life he had been living, the life that was now shattered into a million pieces.

Derek forced himself to get out of bed, the new day holding no appeal. He was now used to the desolate feeling that followed him wherever he went. He was used to the nagging, anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him feel like he had swallowed a hundred bees that intermittently stung him and never in the same place twice.

He staggered into the bathroom and closed the door, looking into the mirror. The reflection staring back at him was one he didn't know, like or recognize. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, standing out in contrast against the paleness of his skin. The dark circles underneath only heightened the desolation that was so apparent in the blue, murky depths. He ran his hand over the two day old stubble growing on his chin. Shaving had become a thing of the past, as it required more effort than he currently possessed. He looked nothing like the head of neurosurgery at Seattle Grace. Right now he looked like death warmed up.

Derek left the bathroom with a sigh, intent on finding his wife. He wandered slowly downstairs, calling her name softly as he went. On the off chance that she was asleep, he didn't want to wake her up. He made his way into the family room, and stopped dead in the door way.

She was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked underneath her body, her arms crossed in her lap. She was staring at a spot on the carpet, never moving, her eyes still blank pools of darkness. She was pale. Too pale, her eyes standing out against the pallor of her skin. Derek felt his heart contract as he made his way to the couch, and sank down beside her.

"Hey," he said, shivering slightly. "It's cold in here."

She didn't answer him, but merely continued to stare blankly at the floor. Derek reached over and grasped one of her hands, pulling it away from her lap and holding it gently in his hand. It was like holding pure ice.

"Meredith, you're freezing!" Derek exclaimed, briskly rubbing her hand in his to warm it up. He reached over and grabbed the other one, holding her tiny hands between his to pass his body heat onto her. Still she made no comment, turning her head to look at where their hands were joined, before lifting her eyes up to look into his.

What he saw there terrified him. Nothing. There was nothing, no pain, no sadness, no terror…just…nothing.

As Derek opened his mouth to say something, the doorbell rang, piercing the silence. He sighed deeply, hoping it wasn't another well-intentioned neighbor bearing casseroles. He wasn't up for the 'I'm sorry" that always followed the exchange of food. He leaned over and softly kissed her cheek before he rose from the couch and headed out into the hall. Derek ran his hand over his face, the stubble pricking his hand before he sighed again and opened the door.

"Mom!" He exclaimed, staring at the dark-haired woman on his door-step.

"Hi honey," she replied softly, reaching up to pull his head down for a quick kiss on the cheek.

Derek stepped aside and motioned for her to come in, a true smile in his face for the first time in two days. Once he had closed the door, his mother pulled him into her arms, squeezing him tight. They stood that way for a while, neither of them moving or saying a word, each taking what comfort they could. When they finally pulled away from each other, Margaret Shepherd had tears glistening in her eyes.

"How are you?" She asked, taking her coat off and handing it to him.

"I'm…I don't know." He said glumly, accepting the garment and hooking it over his arm.

"How's Meredith?" She asked quietly, her eyes soft.

"She's…silent."

"Oh." Margaret said knowingly. "Where is she?"

Derek raised his arm, and pointed to where Meredith sat, still motionless, still staring blankly into space.

Margaret Shepherd felt her heart skip a beat as she observed the broken woman on the couch. She had resented Meredith when she had first met her, thinking her the slutty intern who had broken up her son's marriage. When Derek had told her they were engaged…well, she hadn't taken that very well.

"_I asked her to marry me." Derek said softly, interrupting her latest spiel on how he should have tried harder with Addison. How Addison had made a mistake, but she has been truly sorry and had tried to make it work._

"_What?" Her mouth fell open in shock, her mind having trouble comprehending the words._

"_We're engaged."_

"_Derek…" she moaned, placing her hand over his. "Why?"_

"_Because I love her," he answered stiffly, jerking his hand out from under hers._

_Margaret was silent for a long while, staring at him intently, before she spoke again._

"_Are you sure that it is what you want? You haven't been divorced long, Derek…it has only been a year. I just don't want to see you rush into things and then regret it later."_

"_And you are so sure I will regret it?" Derek asked his voice dangerously low._

"_Fine, Derek, if that's what you want, then…just be careful. I have always let you kids make mistakes, if only so you learn from them. I'm just trying to protect you. I don't want to see you hurt again." She said, pulling her hand back to her side._

"_I don't need you to protect me. I'm happier than I have been in years, Mom. I'm happier with Meredith than I ever was with Addison. I loved Addison, Mom. You know that. But I never felt for her the way I feel for Meredith. This isn't a mistake. She was never a mistake. Meredith's it for me, she's my everything. And I need you to accept that. I need you to accept her. Because if you can't..." Derek trailed off, looking across at his mother._

"_You really do love her, don't you?" She said, astonished. "It's not just a rebound, you really love her."_

_Derek smiled at her, the sparkle coming back into his eyes._

"_I really do." He said, simply._

From that moment on, Margaret had made an effort with Meredith, and she had found herself pleasantly surprised by the slight, beautiful girl her son cared so much about. Meredith was shy around her, but when she was with Derek she lit up. There was no doubt about it, Meredith loved her son. That in itself had endeared Meredith to her. She had realized then that Derek had found in Meredith what she herself had had with her own husband. They were soul mates, they complimented each other. Margaret had given her blessing to the both of them, and she had never seen Derek smile as much as he had on his wedding day.

To see them reduced to this, such a contrast to the couple they had been broke her heart and she vowed to do whatever she could to lighten their burden. She had already told Derek she would plan the funeral, as she couldn't bear the thought of knowing they had to deal with that on top of everything else. Planning the funeral of her granddaughter was hard. Picking out the tiny coffin had her breaking down in the funeral parlor, but someone had to do it and she refused to allow her son and his wife to have to plan the event that truly separated them from their daughter.

"Maybe we should talk in the kitchen?" She questioned, inclining her head towards Meredith.

"Yeah, just give me a minute, okay?" He replied, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "I am glad you're here."

Margaret gave a little smile before she turned and walked towards the kitchen.

Derek returned to the family room, laying his mother's jacket over the armchair in the corner, and then walking over to the couch. He took the blanket that was draped over the end of the couch, and wrapped it around Meredith, tucking it in under her legs. He knelt down in front of her, tilting her chin up with the tip of his finger, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"My Mom's here…we're going into the kitchen, okay?" He asked, concern wrinkling the corners of his eyes.

"Ok," she replied softly.

"Do you want anything?" He asked softly, rubbing her knee through the blanket.

Meredith just shook her head, her blonde hair failing gently over her face.

Derek lifted his hand and brushed the strands away before cupping her cheek gently. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and got up off the floor.

Derek entered the kitchen and sank down to the table, his head in his hands. Margaret had put the food left by well-meaning neighbors and friends into the freezer to be used later, and was filling the kettle with hot water before switching it on to boil.

"I thought I'd make some tea. You look like you could use some." She said, drying her hands on a towel before sitting at the table opposite Derek.

He lifted his head, his eyes filling with tears. Margaret reached across the table, and gripped his hands tightly in hers.

"I've organized everything for tomorrow. I don't want you to worry, okay. I've taken care of everything, and…well, it is all sorted."

"Thanks," Derek croaked out, his throat dry.

"How is Meredith doing, Derek? How is she really doing with…everything…"Margaret trailed off.

"She's…I don't know. She's silent. She doesn't speak, she barely sleeps…I don't think she has eaten…I don't know what to do…I don't…she doesn't respond to anything, Mom. She just…exists…she's slipping away from me...she's slipping away from me and I…I just…she won't cry, she won't yell…she won't…anything…and I just…I need her...I need her to be okay…I can't do this if she isn't okay…I…can't…I can't do this without her." Derek broke off, choking back a sob.

"Derek, I'm so sorry." His mother whispered, tears filing her eyes and spilling down her cheeks.

As much as Derek hated those words, coming from his mother they were all he needed. The tears that he had been desperately trying to hold back flowed unchecked down his cheeks, landing one by one on the wooden table. Margaret got up, her expression pained as she walked around the table, leaning into Derek and cradling him against her chest. She softly ran her fingers through his hair, whispering words of comfort as he sobbed uncontrollably.

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The silence hung like a heavy pall over the four friends seated at the table. Cristina viciously stabbed at her salad, spearing the lettuce with violent, jerky movements, yet not once did she lift the fork to her mouth. George sat motionless in his chair, his hands flat on the table. Izzie was slumped over in her seat her eyes swollen from crying, the bags under her eyes proclaiming her exhaustion. And then there was Alex. His expression was unreadable, somewhere between broken and really pissed off.

George couldn't stand the silence anymore. No one had spoken in over twenty minutes, and the depressing silence was seeping into his soul.

"When is the funeral?" He asked quietly.

Three heads jerked in his direction, surprised he had spoken. He looked at them bleakly, his eyes pleading for someone to help him diffuse the awful silence.

"Tomorrow at 10am," Izzie whispered, her eyes pooling with tears that she quickly blinked back.

"You okay, Iz?" George asked leaning forward to place his elbows on the table, slumping in his chair.

"Yeah, I just…" Izzie's voice trailed away on a sob as her shoulders began to shake and her lip trembled. "I've never felt like that in my life. Even with Denny I didn't feel that helpless...I…Oh god, it was awful…and Meredith…I just…I didn't know what to say…what to do…I…"

"How are they?" George asked his voice husky with suppressed tears.

"I don't know. I haven't been back since I moved in with you guys…I thought I'd give them some space. They needed to be with each other…I couldn't intrude. And then I thought that Derek's Mom might be staying with them, but she checked herself into a hotel, so…"

"How does Derek Shepherd's daughter die of a blood clot? To the _brain_? What kind of sick joke it that?" Cristina spoke suddenly, her voice loud and harsh. "She hadn't had surgery, she hadn't been dropped…she was 14 months old! There was no reason for a clot…none!"

"Blood clots can happen to anyone Cristina, you know that. Sometimes there isn't a reason, it just….is." Izzie replied, her voice soft.

"Yeah, well why the hell did it have to happen to Meredith?" Alex stood up, jerking his chair back and stormed away from the table, leaving behind the silence that had shadowed the friends all day.

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Richard Webber sat in his office, a single tear running down his face. He was surrounded by paper work, work that needed to be completed as of yesterday. Yet he couldn't seem to make himself move. His phone rang, trilling incessantly but he seemed incapable of answering it, incapable of reaching his hand across the desk and silencing the noise pulsating through the stillness. Patricia buzzed him through the intercom, but that was ignored too. For the first time in his life, Richard Webber did nothing. He sat, suspended in time, capable only of watching the slide show of memories racing through his head.

"_Do I at least recognize Meredith?" Ellis asked, staring at him intently._

"_You know she is someone important, someone who loves you." He replied._

"_You'll look out for her. Because she has got so much more to learn and I won't be able to teach her." Ellis stated. Not asked, but stated._

"_I'll look out for her," he had promised, never hesitating._

"_I wish I could go back. I'd do everything so differently. I'd fight harder for you. I think it…if I had fought harder for you maybe…" Ellis broke off, tears choking her voice._

"_We would have had a wonderful life together, Ellis." He informed her, walking across the room to sit beside her._

"_Do you think so?" She asked, turning on her side to face him._

"_I do. We would have done our fellowship here, and then you would have fought me for Chief and probably won. And I wouldn't have minded...because we'd have the kids at home." He said softly._

"_We have kids?" Ellis asked, a soft smile on her face._

"_Meredith would have needed a brother and sister. Kids need family."_

He had promised, and he had failed. He had promised to look out for Meredith, to protect her. He wasn't sure exactly what Ellis had meant, whether she had meant for him to take his promise as seriously as he had, or whether she had meant him to help Meredith further her career, to make sure she stayed on track. He had done both, and not only because he had promised Ellis but because he loved Meredith. He loved the little girl she once was and the broken young woman she had been, and even more he loved the open loving wife and mother she had become. He loved her for who she was and not what she was or what she represented. He loved her for her. She was his little girl…his only little girl…and he had failed her.

'_Kids need family.' _He had said it, and he had meant it. She needed a family and although hers had been lost to her through no fault of her own, she had created a new family. She had Derek who loved her beyond anything and would give his own life to keep her safe. She had her friends, the interns who had started out collectively and had continued on together into their residency. In all his years as Chief he had never come across a group of interns who stuck together as much as that lot did. They had survived failing boards, failing relationships, cutting LVAD wires and freezing in exams. They had survived them by sticking together, by standing by each other. They _were_ her family. And then Meredith had had her daughter, the tiny little baby that had touched so many lives, including his own.

_He stared down at the tiny baby in his arms, the little hand clasping his index finger. She was perfect, like a little doll. She had dark black hair, and a tiny rosebud mouth. As she stretched slightly in his arms he felt his heart quicken._

"_Meredith, she's beautiful." He said, looking up at Meredith._

_Meredith smiled widely, looking every inch the proud Mama. "I know."_

_He laughed, a deep, throaty laugh before he handed little Rebecca back to her mother. He watched as Meredith cradled her against her chest, running a single finger down the soft smooth skin. She looked so happy, so contented._

"_You did well." He said, a proud smile on his face._

He remembered that as if it was yesterday; Meredith with that happy smile on her face, her new baby cradled in her arms. There was something about Meredith's smile that touched those around her. It was as if it could reach into the soul and started hearts beating.

Richard cast a hand across his cheek, wiping away the lonely tear that trickled onto his chin. He was the Chief. The _Chief_. The Chief didn't cry. He had to pull himself together. If he fell apart, the entire hospital fell apart. And he didn't need any more stress. He had attendings, residents, interns and even nurses falling apart. His hospital was taking a big hit but more than that his top Neurosurgeon and the woman he considered his little girl had had their lives torn apart, the mat ripped out from under them. And there was nothing, _nothing_ he could do to fix it. He was a man who fixed things. That was his job. It was his job to repair things that burst, caused pain or became infected. He operated to remove the cause of distress. But this…this he could not fix. No operation would fix the aching in his heart or the hole left in the Shepherd family. Nothing could fix the gaping wound left in the heart of a parent who had lost a child. He couldn't help them. He had failed.

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**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and reviewing! And thanks to those who helped with this chapter! Where would I be without you:) Oh, and the italyics are flashbacks, just in case anyone was wondering. :)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

_Tears In Heaven Chapter Five_

"You know I would take this pain away if I could, Derek…but I can't." Margaret whispered continuing to stroke Derek's hair until his sobs began to die down and he pulled away from her, wiping his hand down his tear-stained cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as she straightened still standing beside his chair.

"For what?" she asked quietly placing her hand on his shoulder.

"I can't do this. I can't fall apart. Only one of us can fall apart…we can't both…" Derek paused before laughing bitterly. "Not that she _is_ falling apart. She's not…anything."

"Derek!" Margaret admonished, shaking her head quickly. "People cope with things differently. You can't…you don't get to be angry at her for that."

"I'm not angry with her. I just want her to talk to me. I want her to sleep and to eat, to look at me the way she used to. I want her to yell or scream or shout or hit me if it makes her feel better. I don't care, as long as it is _something_. Anything other than…slipping away from me…" Derek sighed, resting his head in his arms. He was so tired, exhausted really but a deep sleep eluded him as well. He had had catnaps but nothing substantial. Something was missing. Meredith. He needed Meredith. To sleep well he needed her. It might be pathetic but it was the truth. He was used to spooning against her warm, supple body inhaling her flowery scent. She hadn't stayed in bed the last few nights but had got up only minutes after she had gone to bed. And he missed her. He needed her and he knew she needed him even if she wouldn't admit it. Losing Rebecca had left him feeling numb and helpless. If he lost Meredith too he would cease to exist, he would have no reason to get up every morning…he would simply fade away.

Margaret was silent for a moment, before she said, "You know who she reminds me of?"

Derek slowly raised his head from his arms and looked up at her shaking his head.

"Me."

"You?" Derek asked, looking confused.

"When your father died…I had you and your sisters to be concerned about. I had a mortgage to worry about and a funeral to plan. I didn't have time for grieving. So I suppressed it, I bottled it up. Then one day I came across that old hat he used to wear fishing. You know, the one with the hole in the back where he hooked himself while learning to cast? I found that old brown hat and I just…it hit me how much I missed him. How much I had lost. I missed seeing him leave the house wearing that stupid hat. I missed having someone around to talk to when things got bad. It didn't come in waves…to start with the pain didn't come at all. But when it did…"

"Oh Mom, I'm sorry..." Derek began, before his mother cut him off.

"No, this isn't about me. This is about Meredith. I won't watch this tear you both apart. I won't stand for that. She will break, Derek, it is just a matter of when. And you need to give her time. Give her time to heal. In the meantime give yourself time. You lost someone too, Derek. You need to grieve in your own way."

"I know I lost someone, Mom. I lost a piece of my heart. And I can't lose the rest of it, I can't lose Meredith too. I can't lose both of them…I…" Derek broke off, choking back a sob.

"She's a little lost right now, Derek, but you haven't lost her. There isn't much you can do, Derek, until she acknowledges what she's feeling. So for now you are going to go and have a shower and I'm going to heat up some soup."

"I can't, I have to…" Derek began waving his arm vaguely in the direction of the hallway.

"I'll see to Meredith. Go, Derek. You will feel better after a shower and a shave." Margaret promised.

"Does it ever get easier?" Derek whispered, staring up at her his eyes glistening.

"I hope so," she replied gently.

Derek sighed, and got up from the table threading his hands through his hair. "Could you try to get her to eat something?"

"I'll take care of it."

"I appreciate everything you've done Mom. I do. I…if you hadn't, I don't know if…thanks," he finished simply, kissing her cheek lightly before he turned and left the kitchen. Margaret watched him go, her hand pressed to her lips as a tiny tear slipped from the corner of her eye and made its way slowly down her cheek.

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Meredith sat silent and alone on the couch in the cold, dark room. It was light outside but she refused to open the curtains and face the day. She felt the blanket Derek had so tenderly placed around her with one hand, fiddling with the fringe. It was helping to ward off the chill to her skin but the chill in her body refused to die. She seemed destined to be cold forever. As Meredith sat she allowed only six words to run over and over again in her mind. _One, two, three, four, five, breathe. One, two, three, four, five, breathe. _She couldn't understand why those words were so helpful to her now when they were the very ones that had failed to save her daughter. But she had thought about it, discovering that if she was counting she was remembering to breathe and it prevented her from becoming overwhelmed with feelings she didn't want to acknowledge. Acknowledging hurt too much. She only felt the pain that threatened to destroy her very being when the counting stopped. So for two days she had done her best to keep up the slow and steady rhythm of counting and breathing, counting and breathing.

Margaret filled the cup with the warm chicken soup she had heated, brought by some helpful neighbor and carried it through to where Meredith sat.

"Hi sweetheart," Margaret said sitting down beside Meredith on the couch holding on to the steaming cup. "I want you to drink this."

Meredith turned to face her, staring blankly at the soup Margaret was holding out.

"Meredith, drink this. Now." Margaret said firmly, reaching out and grasping one of Meredith's hands in her own and placing it tightly around the cup.

The heat from the soup warmed Meredith's chilled hand and she bought it down to her lap, wrapping her other hand around it and squeezing, letting the heat seep into her bones. Soup. She could do soup. Soup involved swallowing. There was no chewing. Chewing like sleeping threw off her counting. But swallowing…swallowing she could do, no matter how sick the thought of food made her.

"Where's Derek?" Meredith asked quietly, taking a small sip of the boiling liquid, that same blank, vague look in her eyes.

"I sent him upstairs to shower and shave." Margaret replied softly, a little surprised Meredith had noticed.

ShaveShave_. Shave._ The word echoed through Meredith's mind, forcing a memory she wanted to suppress, a memory of a time that no longer existed and she felt herself jerked back into the past just before her life changed forever.

"_Here, I'll take her. It's her bed time." She heard herself say._

"_I can put her to bed…" Derek replied, holding Rebecca tight in his arms._

"_I'm aware of that but no offense, you need a shower __and__ you need a shave if you think you are coming anywhere near me…I don't want anymore scratch marks that I have to hide. Cristina never lets me hear the end of it and neither does Alex, George blushes, and Izzie is far too gleeful, and frankly I can't be bothered with that." Meredith heard herself reply._

"_So I have a choice between not putting my daughter to bed and spending the night away from my wife?" Derek was saying, raising his eyebrows._

"_Sucks, doesn't it" she teased, reaching up to take her daughter._

_Derek was laughing, and handing Rebecca to her. He was leaning down and kissing the baby on the forehead and then he was turning around and leaving the kitchen, heading upstairs for a shower._

Meredith watched herself cuddling the smiling baby. She could almost feel the warm weight of her daughter in her arms, almost smell the soft baby smell that was somewhere between baby powder and the shampoo she used for Becca's hair. Meredith felt her pulse begin to quicken, the knot inside her stomach began to grow as fear and panic seemed to take hold of her. For the split second while Meredith was hovering somewhere between the past and the present, her control seemed to slip.

Margaret watched concerned as something flashed in the depths of her daughter-in-laws eyes – terror. Margaret reached over to grab Meredith's hand but as fast as it had appeared the look died from Meredith's eyes leaving her, once again, vacant. Margaret pulled her hand back as understanding dawned.

As Meredith felt her control start to slip, as she felt the panic begin to grow she forced the memory away from her, desperately searching for the peace she had found in counting. Forcing herself to continue she began: _one, two, three, four, five, breathe. One, two, three, four, five, breathe. One, two, three, four, five, breathe. _As fast as her control had slipped away it was back, a protective wall against all the pain she refused to accept. If anyone was in her head right now they would have her committed. She knew that. She knew she was supposed to be reacting; she was supposed to be crying or screaming or falling apart. She was supposed to be grieving. But she couldn't give herself that satisfaction. She couldn't give in to the desire to curl up in a ball and sob until the pain went away. Because the solution to her problem required letting that pain in and she knew if she did that it would rip her in two, it had the potential to destroy who she was. And so she counted. _One, two, three, four, five, breathe. One, two, three, four, five, breathe._

Margaret had been growing more concerned with each passing second. Truth be told she had been worried since the minute she had arrived, since she had seen Meredith alone on the couch that chillingly numb expression on her face, but she had tried to hide that fear from her son. But now…that flash of panic, that momentary lapse on Meredith's part comforted her in a strange way. Where before Margaret had been worried there was nothing, that perhaps Meredith had been fundamentally changed by her daughter's death, she was now convinced that Meredith was still Meredith. She was just grieving the only way she knew how. Margaret now realized that her daughter-in-law was forcing herself to feel no pain, that she was indeed repressing it. But pain cannot be suppressed forever. Eventually it overwhelms. Now it was simply a waiting game, a game to see who was more determined…Meredith or the feelings she was trying to curb. Margaret found a sense of comfort in that. Meredith would break; it was just a matter of how long it took to find the trigger. Margaret settled back against the couch, somewhat satisfied that her son would be able to fix his family and that he still had a family to fix. And for now that was comfort enough.

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Derek stepped out of the shower and grabbed the white towel from the towel rail, wrapping it around his waist and securing it tightly at his hip. His wet hair curled around his ears, dripping splotches of water down his back. He gave his head a little shake, droplets spraying from his head and landing on the steam covered mirror. He wiped the back of his hand over the mirror, a gentle swipe that revealed his reflection. He gave a little groan when he realized just how bad he looked and bent down, hunting through the bathroom cabinet for his razor and shaving cream. He located them at the back of the cupboard behind Meredith's lavender shampoo and conditioner. His mouth twisted into a tiny smile as he picked up one of the purple bottles and snapped the lid, inhaling the flowery scent. It was literally Meredith in a bottle. Oh, how he missed that smell. He was used to it wafting through the air whenever she was around, whenever she walked by. He was used to it wrapping around him as he drifted off to sleep. He was used to the comfort of having her near. But now…Sighing deeply he returned the bottle to the cupboard and retrieved his shaving equipment. He gave the shaving cream a good hard shake before pulling off the lid and squeezing the foam into his open palm. Derek smoothed the cream over his stubble and picked up his razor. He froze. Where before he had looked like Big Foot he now resembled Santa Claus. The foam beard made him smile…all he needed was the red suit and the fake belly and he would be transformed into good ol' Saint Nick himself. Of course the laughing, jolly Santa might be a little hard to portray in his current state of mind. When Derek was a child, every Christmas his father would dress up like Santa. It became a tradition in their family and as kids they used to love it. He remembered sitting on his father's knee and repeating over and over again that he had been a good boy all year round, even though he sometimes fought with his sisters. But he justified this, making sure his father had known that they started it. Derek never forgot the Christmas' he had spent with his Dad and he had wanted to give Rebecca those same memories. Derek had decided not long ago that he would do the same with his own family and keep the Shepherd tradition alive. He hadn't got around to it last Christmas, but had silently vowed that he would do it the following year, when Becca was older and more likely to enjoy it.

But it hadn't just been for his daughter. He knew how Meredith felt about holidays, and while she enjoyed them more since she had her own family, he knew that she found them stressful. Personally he loved the holidays. Any holiday. Hell, he even celebrated St Patrick's Day by wearing bright green underwear to work which he cheerfully informed Meredith was his way of joining in the celebrations while still conforming to the hospital dress code. She had rolled her eyes and shaken her head her eyes dancing in amusement. When Derek had come up with the Santa suit idea, he had wanted to see that same expression on her face; one of exasperation that quickly turned to amusement and then became full on enjoyment. He had wanted her to have happy Christmas memories…memories that didn't include spending the day alone while Ellis was in surgery. But now…his plan for Christmas had disintegrated before it could become a reality.

His eyes filled with tears as he began to slide the razor over his jaw, and as, stroke by stroke the beard faded away, it took with it all his dreams.

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Margaret saw Derek coming downstairs, and got up from her spot on the couch. She walked slowly towards him, noticing the clean-shaven face, and the eyes red from crying. Her heart contracted inside her at the thought of her son in distress, which only sought to remind her of why she had come to Seattle. She felt her own eyes pool with tears but she blinked them back quickly.

"You look much better," she remarked quietly, reaching up to rub his cheek. "I like being able to see the real you."

Derek merely smiled, before he inclined his head towards Meredith.

"How is she?" He asked as his blue eyes filled with pain.

"She's drinking the soup I gave her, so that's good." Margaret began before Derek interrupted her.

"You got her to eat?" Derek gave her an incredulous look.

"Well, it's only soup but it's a start. She'll be fine, Derek. Everything will be okay, you just have to be patient," his mother promised him softly, giving him a small smile.

"Yeah…"Derek sighed. "So why don't you stay here, Mom? You are more than welcome. You know you didn't have to get a hotel."

"I know you would have had me here, Derek. But you need time alone together. Besides, I'm sharing with Kathleen so it is not a problem." Margaret informed him.

"Oh man…I didn't even think about the fact that they were in town," Derek groaned, pushing his hand through his hair. "I haven't even rung them, or…"

"No one expects you to, Derek. They are all here. Well, Joe and Matthew stayed behind with the kids but all your sisters are here. They took a few days off work. They wanted to come around today, but we decided that it was too much, too overwhelming. They go home tomorrow evening, after the funeral."

"Right…Tomorrow." Derek said quietly, his eyes downcast.

"I should go, Derek. I said I wouldn't be long. You'll be alright?" Margaret asked, placing her hand on his arm.

"Yeah…thanks Mom."

"Alright." Margaret gave him an intense look, frowning slightly before she turned and walked towards the family room, apparently happy with whatever she had seen in Derek's eyes.

"Meredith, honey, I'm leaving now. I'll see you later, alright?" Margaret asked, reaching over and collecting her coat from the armchair in the corner.

Meredith gave a quick nod, taking another sip of soup, feeling the liquid churn in her stomach, but by some miracle she managed to keep it down. She heard the murmuring at the front door as Derek said goodbye to his mother, and then the dull click indicating she had left.

"Mer, do you want some tea or coffee? Mom boiled the kettle if you want one." Derek called from the hallway.

"No." Meredith replied, wincing as she took another small sip of soup, struggling to keep it down.

"Okay, well I've got to buy some milk…we don't have any. I'll be back in five minutes, okay?" Derek asked flicking her a look of concern as he opened the front door. He caught her small nod, sighed, and shut the door behind him.

Meredith heard the front door close a second time and uncurled her legs from the couch, pulling the blanket away from her body as she stood up. She glared at the soup in her hand, determined to get rid of it. It was only seeking to heighten that nauseous feeling she had worked so hard to quell. She walked into the hallway and entered the kitchen, and as she stood in the doorway she noticed the picture on the refrigerator. She felt as if she was drawn to it. Like it was a magnet pulling her in and then she was standing in front of it, her soup in one hand, the other reaching out to grasp the photo. It was taken at Rebecca's first birthday not two months before. In the photo she sat with her smiling daughter on her knee, surrounded by wrapping paper. Becca had been more interested in playing with the paper than she had been with the toys she had been given. She had laughed and giggled as she systematically destroyed the paper, littering the room with brightly colored specks.

As Meredith stared at the photo, a horrible feeling of rage began to swell in the pit of her stomach. It grew until it consumed her, quickly becoming a fireball of fury. She hurled her cup of soup across the room, watching with satisfaction as it connected with the opposite wall and shattered, the noise echoing in the otherwise silent room. Meredith watched as soup dripped slowly down the walls, pooling on the floor. As fast as it had appeared the rage left and she stared at the mess on the wall, stunned by what she had done. The remains of the cup lay broken on the floor, the edges sharp and ragged.

With a deep sigh, Meredith hurried over and crouched down to pick up the pieces, wanting to erase any evidence of what she had done. She scooped the pieces into her hands and began to stand up, intent on disposing of them. However just as she was standing up her foot gave way underneath her and she pitched forward, automatically slamming her hands out in front of her to break her fall. She felt a sharp stab of pain as something buried itself in her palm. Meredith cried out and twisted so that she was now sitting on the floor, her legs awkwardly tucked underneath her. She slowly turned her hand over and pulled on the edge of the broken cup. It slipped free dislodging itself from her palm, leaving behind a deep wound. Meredith watched as blood made its way to the surface and began creating bright red rivers in the lines of her palm. She closed her fist, the blood dripping onto the floor. It was too much. Everything hurt. She felt tears of hurt, anger and pain prick her eyes before she determinedly blinked them away.

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Derek pulled the car into the driveway and switched off the engine. He grabbed the milk from the passenger seat, and bounded out of the car, making his way inside. As he pushed open the door, a chill ran down his spine. Something was wrong. The first thing he noticed was that Meredith was no longer on the couch. The room was silent and empty. His forehead furrowed into a frown and he headed towards the kitchen, resolving to put the milk away and then find his wife.

He was not prepared for the sight that greeted him. Meredith sat on the kitchen floor her right hand cradled against her chest, staring at the floor. His gaze wandered around the room taking in the soup dripping down the walls, the broken cup lying next to Meredith, the picture of his daughter peeking out from under Meredith's legs before his gaze finally landed on the bright red drops splattered on the kitchen floor. His stomach plummeted to the ground and he tossed the milk and his keys on the table before racing over and dropping to his knees beside her on the floor.

"Mer, you're bleeding?!" He exclaimed, prying her hand away from her chest and forcing her fingers open. "What happened?"

"I…I cut it." Meredith stammered, not looking at him.

"I can see that. You need stitches. We have to go to the hospital." Derek said urgently, reaching up and opening a drawer, yanking out a clean tea towel. He carefully wrapped the towel around her injured hand and stood up, reaching down and hooking his hands under Meredith's underarms and pulling her to her feet.

"No." Meredith frowned, pulling away from Derek.

"Meredith, this is not something I'm willing to debate. You need to get that looked at." Derek replied firmly.

"I…"Meredith broke off, glancing quickly at the dripping wall, mortified at what she had done.

"Meredith…please." Derek begged softly.

Meredith felt her heart strings pull at his gentle plea and she nodded stiffly. Derek gave a small sigh of relief and with his hand on the small of her back, guided her to the front door.

Derek opened the passenger door and waited until Meredith got herself settled before he shut it and raced around to the driver's side. His heart was pounding in his chest, his hands shaking. It was a deep cut, but not life-threatening. He knew it was ridiculous to be reacting this way but he couldn't seem to calm himself down. What bothered him more than the fact she was hurt was the small detail of how it had happened. And why hadn't she done something other than sit on the floor and stare off into space? She hadn't even wrapped it in anything.

Derek backed out the driveway and began the drive to the hospital, sneaking glances at Meredith every so often. She was sitting in her seat, her head resting against the glass staring out the window, not once looking in his direction. She looked…dejected.

As Derek maneuvered the car in and out of traffic, it dawned on him that this would be the first time he had entered the hospital since Rebecca had died. The Chief had rung him to sort out their bereavement leave but other than that he had had no contact with the hospital, dodging it like the plague. The last time he had been there he had been happy, everything had been fine and he had saved a life. But he had come home and his world had come to a crashing halt, tumbling him from a high to the biggest low he had ever experienced.

Derek pulled into the parking lot, swinging the car into a free parking space and switching off the ignition. He hopped out of the car and opened Meredith's door, leaning in and unclipping her seat belt. She slowly got out of the car, cradling her right hand against her chest. He reached over and laced his fingers through her left hand, pulling her into his side, before they walked towards the hospital doors.

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Mark cleaned Meredith's hand, an awkward silence filling the tiny room. He didn't know what to say to the quiet, motionless woman before him. He liked Meredith. He always had from the minute he had first met her, even if that encounter had left him bleeding on the floor. She was good for Derek. She made him happy and that in itself would have been enough for Mark. But Meredith had spunk. She gave as good as she got and he loved that about her. She had never let him push her over, always standing up for herself when need be. He could tease her and she would tease him back, usually rolling her eyes. The woman he knew, the woman he admired was not the woman sitting before him. This was a broken Meredith.

He washed away the blood and glanced up at Derek, who returned the look. Mark opened his mouth to say something just as Olivia knocked quickly and entered the room.

"Dr. Shepherd, I need you to fill out these forms, if you wouldn't mind," she said quietly, indicating the papers in her hand.

Derek nodded briskly before he turned to Meredith and placed his hand on her shoulder pretending he didn't notice the way she tensed under his touch. "I'll be back in a minute."

When he got no response he gave her one last look before he quietly left the room.

Mark began stitching up the wound, concentrating on what he was doing while desperately trying to think of something to say but no words formed. He knew there was nothing he could say that wouldn't sound insincere so he continued stitching, letting the silence hang in the air. In a few minutes he was done, quickly bandaging her hand before informing her he was finished.

"Alright, that's it. I'm done, Meredith. You need to come back in five days and have the stitches removed but the most important thing is that you don't get it wet, so I've paged Tyler. He can take you to get a covering to wear when you shower." Mark informed her, snapping off his gloves.

Meredith nodded, her eyes downcast, slipping off the bed. Nurse Tyler entered the room, holding the door open while Meredith passed through. Mark stayed where he was, lost in thought.

A few minutes later, Derek returned, scanning the room.

"Where's Meredith?" He demanded, glancing at Mark.

"She went with Tyler to get a covering for her hand. She can't get it wet." Mark replied.

"I know that, Mark." Derek returned dryly.

"Right. Of course you do, I just…how is she, Derek?" Mark asked, shooting Derek a concerned look.

"She's…to be honest, I have no idea. She won't talk. At all. I get monosyllabic answers to questions I ask, and sometimes I don't even get that. She's…I don't know." Derek answered wearily, sitting down in the spare chair in the corner of the exam room, his head in his hands.

"How are you?" Mark enquired quietly.

Derek lifted his head and smiled a small, sad smile. "Me? I'm…I don't know. I don't know how to do this, Mark. I don't know how…and I'm so tired…God, I just need to sleep."

"I'm here if you need me, Derek." Mark promised, the corner of his mouth twisted into a half smile.

"I know. But right now…right now I need to find my wife and take her home."

Derek stood up and walked to the door, turning and glancing back at Mark.

"Thanks." He called simply before turning back and walking out of the room.

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**Wow, okay, so, sorry it took so long for me to post this…and I was doing so well with getting updates up :( Anyway, I had exams and a few personal issues the last week and this got put on the backburner, so my apologies for that. This chapter didn't turn out quite how I wanted it to, but here it is nonetheless. The next update will definitely be the funeral…sorry to drag it out, but things had to happen before I could write that part. Thanks for the reviews!! They were very much appreciated. And a special thanks to Terri, Ash and Lewie :) **


	6. Chapter 6

_Tears In Heaven Chapter Six_

The red numbers flashed standing out against the darkness of the room, the curtains blowing in the wind. 7.00am the numbers blinked. The day he had been both dreading and yet strangely anticipating had arrived. On one hand he wanted this day to be over. He _needed_ it to be over because as long as it loomed on the horizon he couldn't move on, he couldn't start to piece his life back together. He couldn't begin to fix Meredith. And if anyone was in dire need of fixing it was Meredith. But at the same time, this day was final. It was the day that truly marked the end of his daughter's life, the day that forced him to say goodbye. And he didn't know if he knew how. He didn't know if he was capable of dealing with that, of moving on with the hole that had been made in their family's heart.

Derek gave a small groan and rolled over, sitting on the edge of the bed. He had been so exhausted last night that he had literally collapsed when he had returned home from the hospital. Meredith had, thank goodness, fallen asleep in the car her body finally giving in to its need for sleep. He had carried her into the house and placed her gently on their bed. Of course, she was gone when he woke up around 2.00am. And he hadn't slept since. As soon as he felt the bed dip with her weight as she sat up and then bounce back as she left, he had been wide awake. He had silently watched as the red numbers had started climbing closer towards dawn, bringing him nearer to his last goodbye.

He gave a deep sigh and stood up, threading his fingers through his unkempt hair. He walked over to the window and looked outside. The air was heavy and damp, the sky a dark gray, promising rain before nightfall. Derek gave another sigh and pulled the window closed. Coffee. He needed coffee. He couldn't even contemplate beginning this day of all days without a serious caffeine boost. Derek rubbed his eyes, gritty from lack of sleep as he made his way downstairs. He found Meredith in the kitchen, sitting at the table staring at the wall that had felt the brunt of her anger. He still wasn't entirely sure what had occurred but if it was what he thought had happened then he was actually pleased. It shattered his illusion that she felt nothing, that she wasn't in pain. Pain he could try to fix, but if she felt nothing…he couldn't repair that. The abyss of nothing could never be filled. It couldn't be fixed. And not repairing Meredith was not an option at this point. He needed her. In a completely selfish way he needed her. He needed her warm smile, her contagious giggle; he needed her frowns and her tiny ineffectual fists. He needed _her_. He couldn't live without her and even if it was completely selfish, he _wouldn't_ live without her. Her slipping away from him was not happening, not if he could help it. She was the air he breathed, the very beat of his heart. At this moment she was his _only_ reason for breathing.

"Good morning," he said quietly, dropping a quick kiss on the top of her head before switching the kettle on to boil. He opened the refrigerator and stared inside, the contents holding no appeal as his stomach twisting in anxious circles. The faster 10 O'clock rolled around, the happier he would be.

Derek glanced over his shoulder towards Meredith, wondering if she had remembered what today was, if she was even aware. The clock ticked loudly in the otherwise silent room, counting down the seconds till he would have to remind her, until he would have to push her to get ready. He dreaded it. He dreaded what reminding her might do, whether it might break her more. She looked so fragile, so lost sitting all alone at the table staring at the wall, her expression unchanging, her tiny wrist dwarfed by the stark white bandage protecting her injured palm. She had never looked more broken. Derek flicked his eyes towards the clock and pushed the fridge door shut. 7.15am.

"Mer? We need…we need to get ready. We have to leave at 9.30. We can't be late to…we just…we need to get ready." Derek reminded her gently, stumbling a little over the words.

Meredith looked across at him, realization dawning in her eyes before she gave her head a little shake as if to clear it and then nodded.

"Okay." She said quietly, sliding out of her chair and getting to her feet. She wobbled a bit and he leapt forward to steady her, wrapping his hand around her arm.

"You okay?" He asked, growing more concerned by the second. Her face had drained of color, her eyes even more pronounced in the paleness of her skin and she was shaking ever so slightly.

Meredith took a minute to compose herself before she nodded, pulling her arm away from his. Derek tilted his head to the side and frowned, watching her carefully. She was clearly exhausted, the circles beneath her eyes deep black rivers under vacant pools. Two days with almost no sleep and no food, with an injury as well…how she was still even remotely functioning he didn't know. He watched as she walked slowly out of the kitchen and into the hallway, her stance dejected.

Derek gave a deep sigh. It was going to be a long day. He had to get through it. Once the funeral was over everything would be okay. He had to believe that, whether it was true or not. He had to know that things would get better; that Meredith would get better, his life would get better, the ache in the pit of his stomach would go away. He needed to know that the exhaustion and pain of the last few days couldn't last forever. Eventually things had to get better…right?

Meredith closed the door to the bathroom, reached into the shower and turned it on. The water sprayed out, hitting the shower floor with a dull hiss, the steam rising slowly and curling through the air. The noise of the water comforted her. The hush of silence was too hard to bear. Thoughts, she had discovered, did not respect silence. No. They thrived on it. It wasn't in the quiet that Meredith found peace from the thoughts and feelings desperate to come out. The silence was her curse.

She slipped out of her clothes and placed them in the washing basket before she grabbed the cover she had been given and slipped it on her right hand. It fit like a glove, completely covering her bandage and tightened around her wrist. Meredith stuck her left hand under the flow of water, checked the temperature and then stepped into the shower.

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Derek finished making his coffee and headed back upstairs, cup in hand. He heard the shower turn on and gave a small sigh of relief. At least she had comprehended him when he had told her they had to get ready. It was a start. A small one, but a start nonetheless. He entered their bedroom and began hunting the room for clothes to wear; a suit, a tie, his good shoes. He ran his hand down the black suit hanging in the wardrobe. He would have to throw it out after this. He wouldn't want to see it again. He couldn't wear it again. Ever. Derek was looking for his shoes when he heard a loud crash from within the bathroom. He was across the room in a flash and pushing open the door.

Meredith stood under the spray of water holding her injured hand away from her body. The shampoo bottle lay at her feet, obviously the reason for the noise. And her apparent distress. She gave a little whimper, a mixture of annoyance and frustration as she tried to wet her hair with one hand.

Derek made a split second decision and slipped into the shower cubicle behind her, still wearing his pajama bottoms. He bent down and retrieved the shampoo, sitting it on the shelf. Derek pulled Meredith towards him, positioning her so the water was aimed directly at her hair. She closed her eyes, letting the warm water wash over her hair, soaking it completely. Derek snapped the lid on the shampoo bottle and squeezed a small amount onto his palm. He gently began massaging it into her hair, the shampoo frothing up, releasing its unique fragrance. Lavender wrapped itself around him and he felt like he was coming home. He felt safe and warm within the folds of her scent. For the first time Derek felt no stirring of desire around a naked Meredith, only the need to heal, to cleanse, to take care of her. The desire to protect and defend her, to wash away the hurt and pain that had taken her from him, to help her learn to breathe again, to live again.

He continued massaging her head, running his fingers gently through her hair and slowly releasing the tension she hadn't known was there. His pajama bottoms were soaked through, the water weighing them down, dragging them down his hips but he was focused solely on Meredith, never once taking his hands away from her. He tilted her head back again, cupping his hand high on her forehead to protect her eyes and gently washed the shampoo away. He pushed his fingers through her hair, moving the foam down towards the ends until the water ran clear. That task completed he opened the conditioner and began the same process, smoothing the pale purple cream through her hair, the tendrils slipping through his fingers, the smell of lavender still permeating the air. Leaving the conditioner in her hair Derek picked up the sponge, squirted some body wash onto it and slowly smoothed it down her back, making gentle swirling patterns against her soft skin. He lifted her hair out of the way, draping it over her shoulder while he washed her neck, then rinsed and lifted her hair back. He continued the washing process, tenderly soaping up her arms and shoulders before moving down her legs with gentle strokes. He worked the sponge back up towards her body, sliding the soapy sponge across her stomach and under her breasts. He then lifted the sponge towards the water, rinsed it and gave it a squeeze before washing the soap from the rest of her body, the water cleansing and relaxing her.

Derek slipped his arms around her waist, dragging her flush against his body, pulling them both under the warm spray, the entire time keeping her right hand away from the water. The water pounded down onto their backs releasing day-old tension and slowly melting it away. Meredith allowed herself to lean her weight into his body, completely warm and comfortable under the steady stream of water, for a moment forgetting her need to remain distant. Derek relished the feel of her in his arms again, the way they fit so perfectly together, the comfort only her arms could bring him. While he could hold her all day, take care of her and soothe her forever, he remembered what this day held. They couldn't remain cocooned in there forever.

Derek gently moved out of the way, once again letting the water hit her hair, washing away the conditioner and leaving her hair silky smooth. He picked up her hair and squeezed it with both hands, the excess water running off. He then reached over and switched off the water, the flow immediately halting. He stepped out of the shower, his pajama bottoms trailing pools of water over the bathroom floor. The soaking material clung to his legs so he pushed them down his legs and scooped them up, adding them to the washing basket with the rest of Meredith's clothes. Derek grabbed two white fluffy bath towels and walked back towards Meredith, reaching in and wrapping it tightly around her, cocooning her in its soft warmth. Once that was done he tied the other towel safely around his hips. He pulled Meredith towards him, securing his arms around her waist and lifting her bodily from the shower, standing her on the bathmat. He began drying her the way one would a child, gently and carefully removing every drop of moisture from her body, working the towel down her legs and arms, over her shoulders and down her back. Once he was satisfied she was dry he wrapped the towel around her once more, this time securing it tightly between her breasts. He then lifted her hand in his, pulling the covering off and checking the bandage for signs of dampness. When he was satisfied that it wasn't wet he gave a small, almost non-existent nod before he carefully dropped her hand back to her side.

His heart contracted at her easy acceptance of his care, the spark of life gone. Derek led her into their bedroom where she made her way quietly over towards her mirror, sitting down in front of the vanity. She picked up her brush with her left hand and began to tug it through her hair, flecks of water spraying off. Derek reached in front of her and removed the brush from her hand before plugging in her hair dryer and switching it on. He began blow drying her hair, moving it across her head with a quiet efficiency. She merely sat and watched him in the mirror as he completed his task, running his fingers through her hair and separating the stands to aid the drying process. Her hair was silky smooth, slipping easily through his fingers and fanning across her back. When her hair was completely dry he picked up her brush once more and slowly ran it over her hair. He had never done it before, always content to watch her complete the usually simple task. But now her hand made it impossible so he eased the brush through her hair with careful strokes, intent on not hurting her. Stroke after stroke he pulled the brush through her hair, gathering the blonde tresses up in his hands and running the brush underneath before he released them, the locks falling in blonde waves across her shoulders.

Derek left her sitting there as he placed the brush in front of her and proceeded to pick out the clothes she would need. As he pulled out the black dress Meredith had intended to wear to Susan's funeral, Derek realized just how much Meredith had lost in the last few years; her mother, Susan, for all intents and purposes her father…and now her daughter. The unfairness of it all weighed heavily on Derek as he grabbed some panties and panty hose for her to wear. He carried the stack of clothes over to her and she stood up, the towel falling away from her. She slipped the panties on and then began digging through the pile of clothes, frowning slightly.

"I need a bra," she whispered, her voice almost inaudible.

"Right. A bra. Of course you do." Derek answered rummaging through her drawers till he found one and handed it to her.

Meredith took the black bra and slipped it on, reaching around behind her back attempting to do it up. Derek softly brushed her hands away, clipping the ends together and running the straps between his thumb and index finger, checking they were not twisted and wouldn't dig into her delicate skin.

For the first time in days Meredith felt safe and somewhat happy. She felt cared for and most importantly she felt loved. She could feel something tugging at her heart, almost as if it had started beating again. But with that feeling came the guilt, the guilt that crippled her unless she found a way to block it. She felt tears prick her eyes and her heart started racing, the blood rushing through her veins. The warmth that had started to pool in the pit of her stomach was chased away as that nauseous feeling returned, the guilt churning her insides.

Derek noticed the change in her demeanor immediately. Her shoulders stiffened and her back straightened, the shift in her body subtle but enough for him to realize she was pulling away again and he could do nothing but watch her go. She sat down on the bed and awkwardly worked the panty hose over her legs, the cumbersome bandage making the task far more arduous than it needed to be. She slipped the dress on over her head, struggling with it but backing away when he reached out to help her. Her eyes had returned to that horrible blackness, the emptiness that consumed her back again in full force. Derek felt the light of hope that had flickered over the last half an hour die as Meredith retreated back inside herself. Disappointment and despair darkened his eyes and with a heavy heart, Derek began to get himself ready to farewell the life he had lived.

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Burke returned from his run to find Cristina sitting at the table, a piece of toast in her hand, a cup of coffee in the other and the latest medical journal on the table in front of her. She wasn't showered or dressed and she didn't seem to be in any particular hurry to do so.

"Cristina, have you looked at the time?" He inquired grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and twisting the cap and swallowing the ice-cold liquid in quick succession. "We have to be at the church in an hour."

"Oh, about that. I'm not going." She replied calmly, taking a large bite of toast at the same time she put down her coffee and casually turned a page of the journal in front of her.

Burke paused mid-swallow and pulled the bottle from his lips, an astonished look on his face.

"What do you mean you're not going?" He asked placing the bottle on the kitchen bench and twisting the cap back on, before wiping the back of his hand across his lips.

"I mean I'm not going. How many ways are there to take that?" She snapped, tossing the toast back onto her plate and spinning around to look at him, fire blazing in her eyes.

"Cristina," he warned, before she interrupted him.

"No, I'm not being Cristina. You don't get to take the high horse on this."

"You can't just not go, Cristina," Burke informed her, stepping out from behind the bench.

"Actually, I can…by not going." Cristina replied, burying her nose once again in her journal.

"This isn't about you, Cristina. This is about supporting the woman you call your person, your best-friend. There is no way you will forgive yourself for not being there for her today. She needs you, and what, you're just going to abandon her?" Burke asked, sitting opposite her at the table.

Cristina froze before she slammed the journal shut with a loud thump. Burke was looking at her, a strange emotion on his face, one she had never had directed at her before. It was almost…contempt. Cristina felt that look reach down into her very soul, pricking her conscience.

"You don't get it. You don't…" Cristina broke off, glancing away from him.

"No, I don't. I don't understand how you could refuse to go and be there with the person who has always been there for you." Burke said slowly rising from the table and heading for their bedroom door.

"I don't do funerals." She said quietly.

Burke stopped in the doorway and turned back to face her, watching as she ran her fingers through her black wavy hair before turning to look at him.

"Okay? I can't go and…" she broke off once more, giving a little shake of her head. She remembered that terrible moment when she had heard the horrifying news that had the potential to change her friend forever. She had been sitting at this very table, contemplating how to broach the subject of the proposal with Burke, when he had come out of their bedroom.

"_Cristina," Burke began, an unusual expression on his face_.

"_I don't have an answer for you, Burke. Okay? I don't. I don't know what to say."_

"_Cristina," he interrupted, but she carried on as if he had never spoken._

"_I need time. I'm not going to let you guilt me into an answer. I'm a surgeon, for god's sake. I cut. I operate. That's who I am." _

"_Cristina…" Burke tried again, a little louder this time, but still she carried on._

"_I'm not a wife. It's not in my DNA. I don't know how to be a wife and I'm not sure I want to. I cut. I don't cook and clean. There is no way I'm turning into Donna Reed. There will be no pies cooling on the window sill in this apartment. At least not ones made by me."_

"_Cristina!" Burke said, snapping her out of her little rant._

"_What?" She snapped back, glaring at him._

"_This is not about the proposal, or your lack of a proper response. This is about Meredith and Derek."_

"_What's McDreamy done now?" She had drawled out, ignoring the nervous fluttering in her stomach at his words._

"_I just received a phone call from the Chief. Rebecca died in the early hours of this morning." Burke said quietly, tears springing into his eyes._

_Cristina looked at him, her mouth falling open before she gave a little shake of her head._

"_No." She said firmly, backing away from him. "No!"_

"_Cristina…"he began, before she walked swiftly past him, grabbing the car keys from the hook on the wall and yanking on the apartment door._

"_Where are you going?" He asked urgently._

"_Out." She had replied tightly before stepping out the front door, slamming the door behind her._

_She hurried out to the car, shoving the keys into the ignition and turning the car on in a desperate hurry to go where she needed to be. She drove quickly, navigating her way through the traffic, a determined look on her face. As she had turned into the street she had been aiming for, she slowed the car down, parking on the opposite side of the road. She watched as neighbor after neighbor filed out of their houses, their hands full of flowers and dishes as they made their way across the street. She realized then that it was true. She hadn't fully believed Burke until this very moment. Cristina reached for the door handle, fully intending on going into the house...but something stopped her. She couldn't make herself leave the car and even as she condemned herself for it, she turned the car around and drove away._

"You can't what?" Burke was asking, breaking through her thoughts.

"I don't know what to say to her, okay? Are you satisfied? I'm scared, Burke. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing and…I'm not good with death. I don't do it. It's not my thing." Cristina snapped, taking her anger at herself out on the person stupid enough to make her confront it.

"Death isn't anybody's 'thing,' Cristina. But this is about you and Meredith. With the exception of Shepherd you are the one person who knows her best. If anyone will know what to say to her it's you." With that Burke turned and returned to their bedroom, leaving her to ponder what she was going to do.

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George slipped the tie around his neck, fiddling with the ends but never making a move to actually tie it. All he could see as he stared into the mirror was the moment he had been told this day would be necessary. It had started as a normal day, getting up early for work, driving with Callie to work, changing into his scrubs, being annoyed by Alex. Everything had been perfect, normal, predictable…until it wasn't.

There had been no warning, no indication that the day would be any different than usual, not until Izzie had stumbled into the locker room.

_She came flying into the locker room her face streaked with tears. She had a frantic, desperate look about her, her eyes wide and almost unseeing. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a green sweater but the strange thing was her feet. She wasn't wearing shoes but instead had fluffy pink slippers peeking out under her pants._

"_Nice slippers," Alex drawled, smirking at her. The smirk died from his face as his gaze traveled up towards her face. She was a mess._

"_Iz, you okay?" Alex asked giving her a strange look._

"_Izzie!" George exclaimed when he rounded the corner of the locker and got a closer look at his friends face. "What happened?"_

"_I…Oh God…I…It was…and Meredith…I don't know what to do, George. You have to help me; I don't know what to…what do I do?" Izzie burbled almost incoherently._

_Alex pushed his hands firmly on her shoulders, forcing her to sit on the bench. Her knees gave way underneath her and she collapsed onto the bench._

"_Iz, we have no idea what you're talking about. We can't help you unless you calm down. What happened? What about Meredith?" Alex asked urgently._

"_She…she tried but she couldn't…and then…I just…I don't…I couldn't stay…I didn't know what to do…I don't know what to do…" Izzie broke off on a loud sob that echoed around the room._

"_Izzie, you have to tell us what happened," Alex said again as George nodded furiously in agreement. "Take a deep breath and just tell us."_

_Izzie looked up at them, tears rolling down her cheeks and dripping onto her sweater._

"_Rebecca died."_

_George and Alex froze, neither moving, neither speaking as Izzie buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking._

_George turned to look at Alex his expression completely stunned. Alex, however, reacted differently. His face turned cold, but his eyes burned with fury._

"_Damn it!" Alex yelled before slamming his fist straight into George's locker, giving his hand a little shake and storming out of the room, leaving a deathly silence in his wake._

_George watched him go, turning back to stare in amazement at the fresh dent in his locker door before he sank down onto the bench beside Izzie, his head in his hands._

George felt his eyes begin to mist and he dropped the ends of his tie letting them fall against his white shirt. Izzie had been devastated. She still was. She had found it hard to sleep without remembering what she had witnessed. Alex - Alex had been pissed, storming through the last few days with a perpetual scowl on his face, snapping at anyone who dared to speak to him. And George, he struggled to take it in, to remember that it wasn't a dream, that he really was attending the funeral of a one-year old. A one-year old they had all come to love. But as shocked, angry and affected as they all were, George hated to think how Meredith and Derek felt. Would they get through this? George hoped that they could survive this. After everything they had been through, everything they had overcome…if anyone deserved to be happy it was Meredith and Derek. Meredith was special to George. She stuck by him no matter what. Her simple _'congratulations George' _when she had heard about his marriage had meant the world to him. It had been something he had so desperately needed to hear. Her quiet acceptance of his marriage, her show of love and support was something he had come to expect from her. Even after their disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience, as she had once so helpfully referred to it, she had still made every effort to put things right between them, promising him that when he was ready to speak to her again she would still be there. And that, in a nutshell, was the very essence of who Meredith was. George needed to have those same qualities now. He needed to repay all the times she had been there for him.

George knew loss. He knew how it felt to watch someone you love slip away. His father's death had affected him perhaps more than he liked to admit. He still struggled with learning how to exist in a world where his dad didn't. He struggled every day with figuring out who he was without him. But losing a child…George didn't know how you survived that. He didn't know how to help his friends, he didn't know how to be there for them, so he did the only thing he could. He got ready.

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The church was old and worn but innately beautiful. The scent of wood polish hung in the air, mixed with the fragrance of the many flowers adorning the front of the church. The glass-stained windows cast shards of light onto the old wooden pews, the light reflecting off the shiny wood. The church had an air of history about it, numerous services, weddings and funerals having taken place within its walls, but perhaps never a funeral with such a tiny coffin.

It sat at the front of the church, the simple wooden box too small to symbolize any parents' worst fear. And yet it did. Its mere presence meant a loss of life, yet the size proved a life taken well before its time. A life not yet lived. The white and yellow flowers on top nearly dwarfed the tiny casket, falling in gentle waves over the sides. Yellow and white roses, each bloom chosen with the tender loving hand of a grandmother.

The organist, seated at the back of the church, ran gentle fingers over the keys, the music coming forth soothing to the soul. Each note echoed around the church, a balm to broken spirits, quietly knitting together the guests as the music flowed through them. The church was nearly full, a testimony to the life they were gathered to farewell. They were gathered not only for love of her but in love and support of her parents.

Meredith and Derek sat in the front pew, flanked by various members of Derek's family. Various nurses and doctors from Seattle Grace filled the pews, their funeral sheets on their laps. Burke, Alex, Izzie, George and Callie sat together on the opposite side of the church from the Shepherds. Richard Webber took his seat a few rows in front of them, sitting down beside Miranda Bailey and her husband. Addison Montgomery and Mark Sloan sat together to the right of the Chief. Burke discreetly checked his watch for the third time since entering the church and glanced back towards the doors. A tiny smile twisted the corner of his mouth as Cristina, dressed completely in black her long wavy hair pulled tightly up into an elegant style, entered the church and made her way up the aisle. He moved over, silently making room for her on the seat and she sat down beside him.

The music came to a gentle stop as the minister stood up and the service began. Meredith watched the tall, elegant looking gentleman's mouth move but nothing penetrated her dull fog. She was trying desperately to remain composed, struggling to keep the tears from flowing unchecked down her cheeks. How she longed to cry, to weep, to sob away the pain eating at her insides. She longed to curl up in Derek's arms and stay there until she felt like herself again. But it wasn't possible. It wasn't possible while the guilt consumed her. She didn't deserve comfort and she couldn't accept it as it only heightened the feelings gnawing on her stomach.

Derek glanced over at Meredith, watching as she fiddled nervously with her rings, twisting them round and round her finger. He reached over and grabbed her uninjured hand, lacing his fingers through hers and giving her a gentle squeeze. Her hands were like ice and she was shaking a little but she never pulled her hand away from his, instead allowing him to move their linked hands to his lap and run his thumb over the back of her hand, sweeping it across the soft skin.

As Derek glanced back to the front he realized his Mother was standing there, composing herself before she began to speak.

Margaret looked out at the crowd, the funeral bringing back memories of her husbands. She had sat silent then, unable to move, barely able to breathe but she had felt compelled to get up at this one, compelled to speak on behalf of her family in remembering the little girl, so like her only son, who had found a special place in her heart.

"Firstly I would like to thank those who have attended today, to show their love and support and for the many kind words and prayers our family has received. It has truly touched our hearts and we will never forget the kindness bestowed on us by so many. In my lifetime, I have been blessed with fifteen grandchildren, fifteen wonderful additions to our family that would have made my husband proud. When I am asked about my family, my answer will always remain the same. I am, and always will be the proud Grandma of fifteen beautiful grandchildren. Rebecca may have been taken from our family but she can never be taken from our hearts and our memories. I will always carry her in my heart. She's gone, but never forgotten. As a mother and a grandmother it is unacceptable to me to have to part with a child or a grandchild. It is not the natural order of things. It is not how things are supposed to be, the young passing before the old."

Margaret turned to face the tiny coffin, a tear leaking out the corner of her eye, her voice cracking. "You were my little ray of sunshine, always laughing and smiling. You brought me great joy. You had the best parents any little girl could have asked for. You were loved. So, my little angel, I won't say goodbye. I say I'll see you soon."

Derek felt his eyes water at his mother's words, watching as she pressed her hand to her lips and lightly touched the coffin before returning to her seat. He felt Meredith's hand tighten in his as the minister resumed his place and began speaking once more.

As the service drew to a close, the organ began to play once more and then it was over. The congregation stood as Burke, Alex, George and Mark grasped the handles of the coffin and began the slow walk down the aisle, the four men carrying a load easily borne by one. As the coffin began to move slowly down the aisle, Derek gently tugged on Meredith's hand and they began to follow it out.

Meredith tried to ignore the many eyes she felt staring at her as she walked silently beside Derek. She refused to let go of his hand, for now allowing herself to draw from his strength, to feed on the warmth of his grasp. Before she knew it she was standing at the graveside, watching as her daughter was gently lowered into the ground. She wanted to scream, to shout, to beg that the coffin be raised again. She wasn't ready. This was all wrong. She hadn't said goodbye yet, she didn't want to say goodbye. She couldn't. Her mind screamed…_no, no, no, no, no_! She wanted one last hug, one last laugh, one last cry. She wanted…forever. But it was gone…forever didn't exist. The proof was there in the lowering casket. As it inched down into the earth she felt the little that remained of her heart break and her lips wobbled. But she refused to break down in front of everyone; she refused to allow herself that release. All around her the tears were flowing; flowing freely by those who felt no guilt, no panic at the thought of breaking down, flowing from those eyes that didn't continually replay that horrific night. Meredith didn't have the luxury of breaking down. Instead she closed her eyes taking deep, shaking breaths and tried to picture herself anywhere but here.

Derek watched as his daughter slipped from sight, hidden by the walls of soil, the yellow and white roses the last thing he saw before they too were swallowed by the earth. He gripped Meredith's hand a little tighter and let the tears fall, rolling down his cheeks and dripping onto his black jacket, melting away into the material. He glanced around him, surprised to see two fat drops working their way silently down Cristina Yang's face as she stared straight ahead.

Meredith felt the skies open up as the first raindrops fell, a gentle pitter patter against the earth. It was fitting really…the sky could cry but she couldn't. It was as if the weather personified what Meredith felt but couldn't show. All around the graveside black umbrellas opened, protecting those underneath. Derek felt his ever prepared mother slide an umbrella into his hand. He swiftly opened it before pulling Meredith flush against his side, covering them both. They both watched as a prayer was said and then it was over.

The only sound penetrating the silence on the drive home was the rhythmic sweeping of the wipers over the windscreen as they pushed away the rain, clearing the window for just a few seconds before the rain hit again. Derek navigated the car carefully, unable to see clearly through the sudden deluge of water. As they reached their house he pulled into the driveway and turned off the ignition. They both sat in frozen silence for a moment, preparing themselves to face, once again, the silence of an empty house.

_**Author's Note: Okay, so that chapter was a marathon and a half to write. So, again, my apologies that it was a while in coming. I also realize that there seemed to be no progress on the Meredith front, and that many of you felt that the funeral would be the thing that would break her, but I promise that you will definitely see some major developments with Meredith in the next few updates.**_

_**I also am aware that this fic is depressing and could certainly use some light moments. I promise faithfully that I do have a plan, and it will get better, however you have to remember that so far only four days have passed, and only three have passed since Rebecca died. I can't just gloss over that. But, while the next few updates deal with some more serious issues, it will get better as Meredith and Derek start to heal. And they will.:) So thank you for sticking with me and for reading and reviewing. It is appreciated as always. And again, a huge thank you to Ash and Lewie who helped me bounce ideas back and forth and a huge thank you to Terri. **_


	7. Chapter 7

Tears In Heaven Chapter Seven

_The waves pounded down around her stealing her breath, pushing her under again and again, giant walls of water moving, rolling, crashing down and tearing her further and further away from her goal. Meredith was fighting against the current, swimming as hard as she could but it made no difference. For every bit of ground she made up yet another wave pounded down, dragging her under, swirling her around and around. As she broke the surface she gasped for air, desperately trying to fill her aching lungs, her chest expanding with each rattling breath she took before she was pulled under once more. She was exhausted, her energy slowing, fading as she fought against the water, fought to stay above the crushing blue depths. But she was too tired, she couldn't fight anymore; her legs now felt like dead weights after treading water for so long, her arms struggling to keep her afloat. It was too much, it took too much energy so she let herself go, felt her body begin to slowly sink, submerging herself in the murky depths. _

_And then it came. The sound broke through her exhaustion, a tiny cry from somewhere beyond the walls of water. A familiar cry, one she knew so well. It prodded her into action, drove her to once again fight her way through the crushing waves seeking to plummet her to their depths. She kicked with all the strength she had left, her arms raking through the water as she swam as hard as she could. The cry came again only seeking to increase her desperate struggle, forcing her not to give up, to keep trying to push through the water swirling around her. Meredith dived beneath the waves, holding her breath for as long as she could as she swam underwater, at peace from the heavy pounding and the rushing in her ears. As her lungs felt like they were going to burst she broke the surface once more, still pushing on towards her goal. And there it was, the tiny body struggling against the raging sea. Meredith stretched out her hand as she heard the cry again, watching in horror as the tiny body began to sink. She heard herself scream as the angry waves once again flung her around in the water, dragging her down, forcing her to lose sight of the place she needed to be. But Meredith was determined. With strong even strokes she worked her way forward, pushing through the water as she sought for the spot she had last seen her daughter. A tiny hand broke the surface once more as the cry came again, echoing in Meredith's ears. _

'_Mama!'_

_With her lungs burning Meredith reached out her hand once more, grasping hold of her daughters hand and began to drag her towards her, desperate to keep the little head above water. But as strong as Meredith's grip was on the little hand, the elements were stronger. The waves increased in size and strength and the hands were ripped apart, the giant wall of water rising up between them, separating the mother and her child. The waves rolled beneath her and she was being lifted up, riding the top of the wave, watching helplessly as the little body was flung away from her and pushed beneath the surface, the waves determined to keep her under. Meredith screamed again, feeling the water wrap around her, twisting her to and fro, confusing her, leaving her wondering where she had last seen her daughter, which direction she needed swim._

_And then there was calm, the waters as smooth as glass once again. Meredith spun around and around in the water, calling her daughter's name, desperately searching for a sign of life…but she was all alone, the sea and sky her only company._

Meredith sat up, her heart pounding in her chest as she gasped for air, desperately trying to work out where she was. She choked back a sob as she glanced around the room, proving to herself that she was no longer struggling against the sea, crushed beneath the weight of water. Sweat rolled down her back, soaking her skin, pooling between her breasts. Her nightgown was twisted around her legs effectively tying her in place, evidence of her unsettled sleep. She struggled against the sheets, finally pulling her legs free.

Meredith felt her stomach roll and she flung the bedclothes back, running towards the bathroom and only just reaching the toilet before she heaved, emptying the contents of her stomach. She sank to her knees as the cry that haunted her echoed through her mind.

"_Mama!"_

She began to shake violently, trying to block the cry from her mind but only managing to make it worse as it reverberated inside her head. Her breathing was ragged as she fought against the nauseous feeling rising again inside her but she failed, once again leaning over the toilet as she retched. She should be used to it. It had become her nightly ritual over the last month, never getting a full nights sleep, only managing a few peaceful hours before the nightmare presented itself, forcing her to relive her terror and her guilt. Night after night it was the same as she struggled to save her daughter but never quite making it. And each night she ended up on the bathroom floor, her stomach churning as she tried to shake the nightmare from her mind. Often she wasn't actually sick but the cool floor seemed to help ease the panic from her nightmare, a nightmare she desperately needed to share. Under normal circumstances she could have, she would have woken Derek up and let him soothe her; let him pull her into his safe and warm embrace and let him chase away her demons.

But this was different. She couldn't tell him about this one, she couldn't unload her burden onto him. She couldn't explain to him why she was the way she was. She couldn't bear to think of the way he might look at her, of what he would think of her if he knew. If he knew how she really felt would he leave her too? Once he knew what had really happened, once he learned what she had done, would she lose the only thing keeping her sane? She couldn't risk it. She _wouldn't_ risk it. Yet despite how distant she had been, how much she had pushed him away, every night Derek would get up when he heard her in the bathroom. And that added to her guilt. She didn't want him to feel like she felt. She didn't want him to have to get up when she did, to live with the constant exhaustion. But he did it. Because he loved her. But how long would that last once he knew? How long would he stay once he understood what had really happened? The panic that overwhelmed her at the thought of being alone rolled in her stomach and once more she was leaning over the toilet as wave after wave of nausea hit her.

Derek woke up to the sound of someone being violently sick. Again. Every night was the same, Meredith tossing and turning before she inevitably ended up in the bathroom. This was the third time in a week that she had ended up physically ill. She had lost weight, weight she couldn't afford to lose. She was looking more and more fragile and he was going out of his mind, worry constantly turning in his stomach. She had become even more withdrawn than she had been before, if that was at all possible. Oh, she spoke more than she had done before the funeral but it was never about anything of importance. She would answer his questions in a monotone voice, occasionally asking some of her own, all of them insignificant. She never mentioned Rebecca and he followed suit, not wanting to cause her any more pain. She barely ate, she had only a few hours sleep each night, yet the biggest change was that she wouldn't touch him. He missed the spontaneous gestures. And he didn't mean sex. It was the gentle touches, the impulsive kiss on the cheek. The last time he had touched her in a way that actually meant something had been at the funeral. He held onto the memories of what it had felt like to have her hand laced within his because that was something that was now missing. She no longer let him hug her, nor did she offer any herself. There were no spontaneous kisses, no hands cupping his face, no leaning back against him and more importantly…no spooning him while they slept. Though they slept in the same bed there was now a wall between them. She clung to her side of the bed, scooting as far away from him as possible. They each had their side of the bed and they stuck to it. The line was never crossed. It would seem that the closeness they had once shared was gone, buried with their daughter. There was now no affection of any sort. Any he offered was rejected and ended with her turning away from him, withdrawing into herself even more. He felt tears well up in his eyes at his helplessness, his inability to fix what his life had become. Meredith wasn't slipping away from him anymore. She was gone. She was gone and he felt like shit. His entire world had been tipped upside down, shaking everything he believed in. Everything he loved had been taken in some form or another. It was too much. How much could one man cope with before he cracked under the pressure? He needed her and he was drowning under the weight of what she had become. He missed her. He missed who she used to be, who _they_ used to be. It was now nothing more than a distant memory.

Derek got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, wetting a facecloth and pressing it gently to the base of her neck. She flinched slightly before reaching up, running the cool cloth around her neck and up onto her forehead. She closed the lid of the toilet, flushed it and then laid her head against the seat, too exhausted to move. Derek opened the cupboard and retrieved her toothbrush, quickly adding a dash of toothpaste and handed it to her. She quietly accepted it, appreciating the peppermint flavor that replaced the horrible taste in her mouth. As Meredith dealt with brushing her teeth, Derek slid down the bathroom wall and sat on the cold floor on the opposite side of the bathroom. She didn't seem to want him there but he couldn't bring himself to leave her there alone. So they both sat, neither saying a word, barely acknowledging each others presence as they drifted off to sleep.

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When Meredith awoke the next morning Derek was still slumped against the wall, his head twisted at an odd angle. He looked peaceful, a look missing from him most days. His hair fell softly over his forehead and curled around his neck. It had grown. A lot. He was in desperate need of a haircut. The way his hair was at the moment only heightened her desire to run her hands through it, to feel the soft familiar locks between her fingers. But she couldn't. She couldn't look him in the eye and hadn't been able to for a month now. So while he slept she drank in the sight of him, feeling tears prick her eyes. She missed him. She missed him so much it had become a constant ache in her stomach. She missed his warmth surrounding her, making her feel safe and loved. She missed the sound of his voice that could so easily soothe her troubles away. She even missed the way he tilted his head when he looked at her, the love so evident in his eyes. She missed who they had been before…everything.

Meredith grimaced as she rose to her feet, pressing her hand against her neck. Sleeping on the bathroom floor night after night was not the brightest idea and her muscles screamed in agony. She slowly made her way downstairs, heading towards the kitchen, her throat dry. She considered making herself something for breakfast but it was too much of an effort and the thought of food right now turned her stomach. She grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water before pressing the glass to her lips, the cool liquid quenching her thirst. The days had passed her by in a blur, her constant exhaustion and her current state of mind helping the days to roll into one as she tried to hide the guilt she felt, as she tried not to do what now came naturally; to lean into Derek, to let him carry her fears away. Shutting him out hurt her. It physically hurt her. She knew she was hurting him and that thought stabbed at her heart. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it. But she was so afraid that she would hurt him more if he knew the truth. If he knew that the woman he loved had cost him his daughter…that would break him. So she cocooned herself in silence, taking care never to meet his eyes, never to touch him more than was absolutely necessary.

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Derek opened his eyes as everything that had happened that night came flooding back when he realized where he was. Meredith tossing in her sleep, the sound of her retching, the sight of her pale and exhausted body as she slumped on the bathroom floor. He closed his eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath. When he was at his worst, when he was at his absolute lowest point, all he could see were flashes of the events that had led him to where he was. His pager going off, the red and blue lights flashing in the distance, Izzie standing at the base of the stairs, Rebecca lying so still and silent on the bedroom floor, the men in blue carrying the stretcher past him and out the door, Meredith slumped in the corner of the nursery, the tiny coffin with its yellow and white roses as it was lowered into the earth. All events that he wished had never happened. Things he wished he could change. And yet the one thing he wished more than anything was to know exactly what had happened that night. To know what Meredith had seen. He wanted to know because he couldn't help her if he didn't know what demons she battled.

But Meredith wouldn't tell him, she wouldn't and couldn't explain to him what had happened that fateful night. And he needed to know. He didn't want to, he needed to. For the sake of closure he needed to know. For the sake of his wife, the love of his life, the broken shell of the woman he loved he needed to know. And if Meredith couldn't tell him then there was only one other person who might know, who might be willing to help.

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Miranda Bailey stalked down the hospital hall heading towards the OR board, her white coat slapping against the backs of her legs. She was a woman on a mission, her air of authority more than making up for her size. But as the board came into view the man standing staring at it was the last person she had expected to see. She almost didn't recognize him, the long black hair curling over his shirt collar, the dark circles under swollen, sleep deprived eyes, the stubble on his chin. He looked thinner than when she had last seen him, a far cry from the man she had come to know when he had first arrived at Seattle Grace. He had been charming, smiling that dreamy smile of his at anyone stupid enough to look in his direction. He had been confident, too confident in her opinion, confident almost to the point of arrogance and he had managed to get involved with one of her interns. She had made her disapproval known to him, the idea of an attending and an intern sleeping together had not sat well with her. And then the wife had come and it had really hit the fan. She had watched from the sidelines as one of her best and brightest young interns had become the talk of the hospital, the intern stupid enough to screw the married attending. They had overcome a lot; a wife, a divorce, parents dying, drowning…they had had so many hoops to jump through it was almost cruel and unnatural punishment. But they had made it. They had become Meredith and Derek. They had got engaged, then married and then they had had their daughter, the beautiful little girl that had been part of their family for 14 months before she had become yet another obstacle for the couple to get through. And now half of the aforementioned couple was standing not five feet away from her. Miranda thought of her own son and the devastation she would feel if he was taken away from her. She looked at the man staring at the board, seemingly hanging onto his control by a thread, a thread that looked like it would break at the first kind word.

"Just what do you think you are doing here? Go home!" she demanded as she walked up to him and stared up at the board.

"Bailey!" he said, startled out of whatever dreamland he had been in.

"What are you doing here Derek?" She asked pointedly.

He sighed, running his fingers through his long wavy hair. "I'm actually looking for Dr. Stevens. I don't suppose you know where she is?"

Bailey shot him a surprised look before she answered, "I'm not sure but I can page her if you like."

"Yeah, that would be good, actually. I just need…I just need to talk to her for a few minutes and then I will go home." He replied, attempting a thin smile.

"Alright. Consider it done." Bailey answered in a brisk voice.

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Izzie was searching for a patients chart at the nurses' station with Cristina muttering something about incompetent nurses in her ear when her pager went off. She picked it up and looked, frowned, handed the chart to Cristina and turned around and walked off.

She walked into the exam room she had been paged to only to find it empty. She was turning around to walk out when the door opened and Derek walked inside.

"Hi." Izzie said startled to see him at the hospital. As far as she was aware, neither Meredith nor Derek had set foot inside since Meredith had had her stitches taken out.

Derek nodded in greeting before he sat down on the bed. Izzie gave him a puzzled look and opened her mouth to say something when he finally spoke.

"How's the apartment?" He asked quietly.

"It's fine. Haven't seen a spider in a month, for which I am incredibly grateful."

"I'll bet." He smiled up at her, a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

He fell silent again, obviously struggling with something. Izzie didn't know what to say as the silence, heavy and uncomfortable, hung between them, neither seeming willing to break it. Finally Izzie could bear it no longer.

"Derek, you didn't come down here to ask me about spiders…" she trailed off, leaving the unspoken question floating between them.

"No I didn't," he admitted glancing up at her. "That's not why I came. I need to ask you something."

"Okay…" Izzie replied looking at him, a slight frown marring her forehead. "What did you want to ask?"

"I…I need you to tell me what happened. I need to know what happened…that night." He finished, watching as her face fell.

"Derek…" she began, shaking her head in panic. "I can't…"

"Please, Izzie," he begged. "I need to know…Meredith can't…I can't ask her to…I need to know. I need to know what happened."

Izzie was silent for a moment, staring at the man who was literally begging her. He looked desperate and she couldn't refuse him. She couldn't leave him wondering no matter how much it hurt her to remember.

"I…all I remember is that I was sound asleep and I…I heard Mer scream…she was yelling for me and I got up and ran down the hall…there was something in her voice…it made me run. I ran and found her in the room and…" Izzie stopped, not sure how much he really needed to know. But the look on his face when she stopped speaking told her he needed to know it all.

"Meredith was kneeling on the floor with Becca in front of her." Izzie choked back a sob before continuing to speak. "Becca wasn't moving…she was so still and…Mer had begun CPR but…and then she yelled at me to call 911 and I...God, I froze, Derek. I froze. It was just so…I didn't know if…I froze." Izzie broke off and sat beside him on the bed, tears spilling down her cheeks. She turned her head to look at him in time to see a tear spill out of the corner of his eyes and run down his cheek before he dashed it away.

Everything Izzie had been feeling since that night came pouring out, things she had never really told anyone.

"Something snapped me out of it. I don't know what it was, if it was the tone of her voice or the sight of her on the floor but…I did…I ran downstairs and I called 911. But I couldn't go back up there Derek. I knew Mer was there and I knew what had happened but I…I couldn't…I couldn't make myself go up there. And then the ambulance arrived and…I don't know…it's kind of a blur from then on…I remember the men asking me which way and I told them, and then they were running upstairs but I…I couldn't go up. I left…" Izzie was panting slightly now, sobs making her voice crack. "I left…I left Mer all alone…and I just…I'm sorry, Derek…I should…I should have gone up…I should never have left her like that…I should have…I should have been there. She was all alone. I should have…I should have been there with her."

"No. No you shouldn't," Derek replied, turning to face her, a strange look on his face. "You shouldn't have been there. _I_ should have."

Izzie looked at him, rapidly shaking her head from side to side as she realized what she had said.

"No, Derek. No, that's not what I…" she began urgently before he interrupted her.

"It's fine Izzie. I…I should have been there. And I wasn't. And now…I understand now." Derek rose slowly from the bed and made his way to the door just as Izzie called out to him.

"Understand what?"

He never answered her, opening the door and stepping out into the hall. The look on his face worried Izzie. He looked devastated. Devastated and…broken.

"Thank you" he said before disappearing down the hall.

Izzie wiped her hands across her eyes, now deathly afraid that in her attempt to help him she had succeeded in breaking him a little bit more.

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The drive home was torture for Derek. He knew. He now knew why Meredith refused to look at him, why she wouldn't touch him, why she had pushed him away. He knew why she no longer wore his t-shirt to sleep in, why she slept as far away from him as possible. He knew why she was so restless at night, crying out in her sleep. He knew why she ended up in the bathroom floor, sometimes physically ill. He knew why she was the way she was and it crushed him. _He_ had done that to her. He had broken the one person who meant the world to him, the one person he had vowed never to hurt again. The woman he loved was suffering through so much and it was entirely his fault. The reason she felt so much pain, the reason she was suppressing it…it was him. The reason was _him_. It all made sense now. Everything that had happened over the last month; watching her as she had slipped further and further away…it all fell into place. And he couldn't blame her for how she felt. She was right.

All of a sudden he couldn't go home. He couldn't go home and face the mess he had made, the mess his life had become. He couldn't go home and face what he had done, to see the result of his actions sitting blankly staring off into space. He felt as though a heavy weight had been placed on his chest and he struggled to breathe. He couldn't go home. But where could he go? Where could he go to ease the ache in his chest? Only one place came to mind. One place he had yet to go to. Somewhere he now desperately needed to be. He swung the car around and before he knew it he was there. He turned off the ignition and stumbled out of the car, tears he was trying to suppress blurring his vision. He walked swiftly up the neat rows till he found the one he wanted. There in the middle was the headstone he sought…the headstone that marked the final resting place of his little girl. He stood in front of it, looking down at the old flowers lying in front, their petals withered, brown and lifeless.

"Hi," he whispered shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I'm sorry Daddy hasn't come before now. I'm sorry…I'm sorry that I have to come here at all. I'm so sorry, honey…I'm so sorry that I wasn't there…that I wasn't…that I wasn't there for you and Mommy. That I didn't…I…I'm so sorry, baby girl. I…I'm sorry!" Derek broke off with a sob as images began flashing through his mind.

He saw Meredith sitting on the kitchen floor, her hand dripping bright red spots of blood. He saw her simply sit there making no effort at all the staunch the flow of blood. He heard the rattling in her chest as she had gasped for air the night their daughter had died. He saw that horrifying blankness in her eyes that truly terrified him, that shook him to his core. He saw her fragile body slumped over the toilet after she had completely drained herself of energy. And he saw Becca. He saw how small and lifeless she had looked lying on the nursery floor, having taken her last breath. And then the pain hit. It knifed through him, literally bringing him to his knees and he began to sob harsh sobs that shuddered through him, his breath coming in uneven bursts as he let loose everything he felt. The ache in his heart intensified as he let himself fall apart.

He didn't know how long he knelt weeping in front of his daughter's grave but it was getting dark by the time he finally rose to his feet, a delicate mist hanging in the air. He brushed his hands across his eyes to wipe away the tears that had fallen. He picked up the old flowers that adorned the grave and carried them away as he walked back to his car. He couldn't leave them there. She deserved fresh flowers. The old dead flowers an insult to the bright, lively baby she had been. His little girl deserved…so much more than she got. But he could try and help her Mother. He needed to do it for her, no matter how much he didn't want to hear what he suspected to be the truth come from Meredith, he would do it. He would accept it if it would fix what he had done.

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Meredith sat at the kitchen table, twisting her watch nervously as she looked at the time. The seconds ticked by slowly, the clock seeming to mock her as she watched the minutes slide by. Where was he? He should be home by now. He had told her was going out and that he didn't know what time he would be back but this was ridiculous. The wind was picking up as the first drops of rain fell. Where was he? Why wasn't he home? Had he left? What if he was hurt? What if he was...? She couldn't finish that thought. The thought of him never coming home again stirred up the panic she was trying so hard to keep under control. It felt like a lifetime had passed since she had realised that he hadn't come home yet, that he hadn't contacted her all day. And she didn't know where to begin looking. Where had he gone? Her heart skipped a beat as she heard the front door open and then slam shut with the force of the wind. She sighed in relief, allowing herself to relax a little. He was home. He was fine. He hadn't left her. He wasn't lying dead in a ditch. He was home and he was fine. Fine. Fine. He had come back to her. He was fine.

Derek came into the kitchen, his eyes red and swollen, carrying a bunch of very dead looking flowers in his hands. He carried them over to the rubbish and stuffed them inside.

"You're late." Meredith said, looking up at him from the table.

Derek turned to her ready to confront her yet as he stared at her he couldn't bring himself to say what he needed to say. He couldn't do it. His mouth wouldn't cooperate, refusing to say the words he knew needed to be said. Despite all his promises that he would talk to her he couldn't do it.

"Yeah, sorry." That was all he could manage, all that would come out. The rest was sitting on the edge of his tongue, sitting right there but he was afraid. Afraid that once he heard her agree with what he was thinking that he would die just a little bit more. So he said nothing. He watched as she stared at him before nodding and walking out of the kitchen. Derek sighed and followed her up, both of them getting ready for bed. Meredith once again elected not to wear his t-shirt, instead putting on one of her own. They slid between the sheets, neither saying a word, both rolling onto their sides and staying there as the wind whistled outside. Derek switched the light off, throwing the room into darkness. They slept.

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The cry woke a sleep-dazed Meredith, a long, desperate cry that chilled her to the bone. She flung back the blankets and leapt out of bed, hurrying on automatic pilot to the cause of the noise, not fully awake. As she pushed open the nursery door to attend to her baby it all came rushing back. She didn't have a baby. Not anymore. The cry hadn't come from here.

Meredith felt her pulse quicken as she stepped into the room she hadn't entered in over a month. She walked slowly towards the crib, fighting against the memories longing to come out. There in the middle of the blankets was Barney. The ugly purple dinosaur had been a gift from one of the nurses at the hospital when Rebecca had been born and Rebecca had loved it. Meredith bent down and picked him up, her fingers trembling. She held him at arms length, staring hard into the eyes of the toy that her daughter had loved so much, his left leg slightly thinner than his right where the tiny hand had grasped it as she had dragged him around. This ugly purple toy held so many memories...Becca's birth, her first Christmas, her birthday, visits to the park...her death. Meredith breathed deeply and gave in to the temptation, snuggling the soft toy close against her breast. As she held him the soft scent of her baby wafted around the room. It triggered something deep within Meredith. The first real tears she had allowed to fall in over a month ran down her cheeks and soon she was sobbing, clutching the toy tightly against her breasts as she sank down onto the floor. Her shoulders shook, her breath coming in short bursts. The pain was ripping though her, tearing her apart. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she could barely see…all she could do was sob as though her heart was breaking. And in reality it was. Her baby was gone, she would never hold her again, never hear her laugh, never calm her tears. She would never know what Rebecca would have grown up to become, never know what her hobbies might have been. She would never have to explain about periods or sex. She would never see Derek's reaction to his baby girl bringing a boy home to meet the family. She would never get to see her daughter's first day of school, her first day of college or her wedding day. Meredith felt her future slip away as she let the pain in and she sat, collapsed in the middle of the nursery, sobbing as though she would never stop, the tears flowing fast, rivers of pain flooding her cheeks.

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**_Author's Note: Well, I have nothing profound to add. Meredith finally broke. She finally let the pain in. Hopefully now she can start to heal, hopefully they both can!! Thank you so much for the reviews, and thank you for reading. :) _**


	8. Chapter 8

Tears In Heaven Chapter Eight

Outside the house the wind howled, picking up whatever lay in its path as it wound its way through trees and shrubs, over and around houses. It swirled and rolled outside the windows, the trees creaking in the wind, their branches swaying. Inside the house, however, everything was still, quiet. Unusually quiet.

Derek awoke with a start, blinking furiously as he tried to work out why he had woken up. He glanced at the clock. 2:04 am. It certainly wasn't time to get up. The house was still, not a sound to be heard. He rolled onto his side and realized that the other half of the bed was empty. What had woken him? Meredith wasn't tossing and turning, crying out in her sleep. In fact, it had been a relatively peaceful night. He hadn't heard her cry out, and he hadn't heard her get up, although it was obvious she had. She wasn't there. With a resigned sigh he pushed the covers back and slipped out of bed, making his way towards the bathroom, all the while preparing himself for another night on the cold, hard floor.

When he reached the bathroom he was not faced with the image he had expected. The room was silent and still, nothing moving, nothing breathing. The towels were hung up where they should be, drying on the towel rail. His toothbrush lay next to the toothpaste which was missing its cap. He could never seem to remember to replace the lid, something Meredith was always nagging him about. Her face cream and other little bottles of things he would never use were exactly where they should be. Everything was in its place, precisely as it had been the night before. But Meredith wasn't there. She wasn't slumped on the floor; she wasn't anywhere to be seen. A puzzled look crossed Derek's face. Well, where was she? He wandered out of the bathroom, the fog of sleep slowly clearing as he made his way down the hall. He heard a small noise, a tiny whimper so out of place in the otherwise silent house. Derek padded his way towards the door that hadn't been opened in over a month, the door that led to the room where his worst memories resided.

Derek stood in the doorway, horror slowly seeping into his bones. Meredith was sitting in the middle of the room, her knees pulled up close against her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs. It was a protective pose, so much like the one she had assumed when the paramedics had taken Rebecca away. Exactly the same except for the tear stained cheeks. She was whimpering softly, her face partly hidden by her hair which fell in soft waves down her back and over her face. She held his daughters favorite toy clutched between her chest and her drawn up knees. He walked into the room, sadness and regret etched into every line in his face. She wasn't sobbing, she wasn't crying, she wasn't falling apart. But it was obvious that she had been. She had been sitting on the floor crying for who knew how long. And she had done it alone. All alone.

He crouched down in front of her, reaching out to pull her towards him. He had only grasped hold of her shoulders when she shied away from him. Digging her feet into the carpet and pushing with all her might she scooted her body well away from him. Her back was now pressed hard up against the wall. Her eyes were wide and panicked and her breathing ragged.

Derek felt a pang in his heart as he watched her withdraw from him and scoot herself as far away from him as possible. This was what they had become because of the hand life had dealt them. Their entire relationship had been a struggle, with one thing after another. But things had been going well. Things had been good. Things had been wonderful…until they weren't. Derek didn't know what to do, how to fix the terrified woman pressed against the wall. He sat down on the floor with her just as he did on the bathroom floor. He couldn't let her cope alone, despite how much she seemed to want to. He watched the play of emotions across her face. She was…sad…no, angry…no…she was devastated…no…that wasn't it. Well, it was. She was clearly all those things except…there was something else, something else he couldn't quite put his finger on. Some other emotion lurking on her face, hidden by the numerous things she seemed to be feeling. Hidden yes, but it was still there, still plaguing her. Whatever it was Derek felt it was the one that was causing her the most pain, perhaps the one that needed addressing the most. He took a closer look wishing he could see her eyes, wishing she would look at him instead of staring at her knees. She had such expressive eyes; he could usually tell exactly how she felt just by looking at her. But she had been so guarded the last month, never letting him in on what she was feeling, never looking him in the eyes.

"Meredith?" He asked quietly, longing to push her hair back from her face, longing to reach out and touch her and to comfort her. But he knew, and had proved not thirty seconds ago how she would react to that. Touching her was not a good idea. She was already flat against the wall…she had no where else to run except out of the room. And he needed to keep her in there. She ran away from her problems, she was an avoider. He knew that. He also knew that what pained her most lay in this room. If he wanted to help her, he needed to make her face whatever it was that haunted her.

He called her name again, his forehead creased with worry.

She just shook her head at him, never raising her eyes from the ground.

"Meredith, look at me." He commanded quietly, never raising his voice but it was a command all the same.

She merely closed her eyes and clutched the toy tighter against her chest.

Derek felt frustration building in the pit of his stomach. How was he supposed to help her if she refused to look at him, refused to acknowledge he existed? He was a surgeon, he fixed things, he healed things. He found the source of things that hurt and he cut them away. He could fix perfect strangers but he couldn't fix his own wife or his own daughter. Derek felt a shudder run through his body at that thought. He hadn't healed his own daughter. It was something he tried not to dwell on but it weighed on him, dragging him down into pits of despair. He was a brain surgeon. He was out saving some strangers life while his own daughter had needed him. She had needed him and he hadn't been there. He shook his head, pushing that soul destroying thought to the back of his mind. Taking matters into his own hands he reached over and cupped Meredith's chin forcing her head up. He was now looking at her, but her eyes remained closed.

"Meredith. Look at me." He said again, a desperate note in his voice. "Please look at me."

Slowly her eyes opened, framed by the tear drops clinging to her lashes.

"Meredith, what happened? What are you doing in here?" he asked, tilting his head slightly and looking at her.

"The wind…it…it was the wind." She whispered, sounding as though she was trying to piece it all together in her mind yet never quite succeeding. She twisted her chin out of his hand and returned her gaze to the floor.

"What was the wind?" Derek questioned, a confused look passing over his face.

"The wind…and I…I forgot. I…" She broke off.

"You forgot what?" Derek asked, desperately trying to follow her train of thoughts but losing her somewhere around the first station.

"The wind…I heard a noise and I thought it was a baby crying. My baby crying. And I came in here…but it was the wind. Just the wind." Her voice cracked and fresh tears welled up in her eyes.

"Oh Meredith..." Derek breathed, pain evident in every syllable.

"I thought it was…I thought…and I came in here and then…I remembered. I remembered…everything." The tears that had welled up in her eyes spilled slowly down her cheeks as she was forced to remember the thing she had forgotten for a split second.

"Meredith…" he began before she finally spoke, interrupting him.

"Just…go away, Derek. Please. Please just…go away." She turned her head away from him once more.

"Meredith…" He tried again, trying to cut through her defenses.

"Stop it! Stop saying my name. Just…stop it!" She interrupted, her breathing becoming more and more ragged.

"Meredith, it's okay." Derek soothed, reaching up to gently touch her cheek.

"Okay? What part of this is okay? _None_ of this is okay. None of it." She was choking back the sobs, still refusing to look at him.

Derek tilted her head up forcing her to look at him once more. As her gaze locked with his Derek felt his heart contract in his chest. She looked miserable. Miserable and…guilty. That was it. That elusive emotion. Guilt. That was the mystery feeling she had been trying to hide. He felt his stomach tighten. He had done this to her. He had to fix it. He wouldn't back out this time. This time he would own up to what he had done, no matter the consequences for himself. Meredith needed him. She needed him and that came before any concerns he had for himself. Meredith came first, she always came first.

Her pain wrenched at Derek's heart, the feeling so intense he could barely breathe.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered, tears pricking his eyes. "I'm so sorry for what happened, for what I did…I…God Meredith, I'm so…" Derek broke off giving his head a little shake as the tears spilled down over his cheeks.

Meredith raised her head and watched as the tears slid slowly down his cheeks. This was wrong. All wrong. What was he talking about? He hadn't done anything. But the look on his face…Meredith felt herself shaking her head furiously as she tried to sort it all out in her mind.

"You weren't home, Derek." She said softly.

"I know! I know that. I know I wasn't home, and I should have been, Meredith. I should have been here. I should have…I should have been here with you, with both of you and I wasn't. I wasn't here. I get it, Meredith, I do understand. I don't want you to feel guilty for the way you feel. I understand. I know why you're pulling away from me. You resent me. And I don't blame you. I don't blame you, Meredith. I resent me too. I understand. I should have….I should have been here." Derek took a deep shuddering breath.

"No! Derek, you don't understand…that's not what I…You weren't home. You weren't here. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing _you_ could do. But I…" Meredith stopped, biting her lip, a lip that was quivering with the effort of holding back tears.

There was silence. She stopped. The only thing piercing the silence was the howling of the wind. When it became clear she wasn't going to finish that statement, Derek gave her a little prod.

"You what?" He asked quietly.

She just shook her head, staring down at her hands and flipping her watch around her tiny wrist.

"Meredith, why won't you look at me?" Derek asked in a hushed tone, wishing he could take her hand in his to stop the nervous fiddling taking place in her lap.

"How can you stand to look at me?" She whispered, tears once again sliding unchecked down her face.

"What?" He asked, shock tainting his words. "Why would you think that?"

Meredith looked up at him through a haze of tears. He was nothing more than a dark splotch crouching down in front of her. But he was her dark splotch. He was the one thing she needed so much, the one thing that could bring her comfort if she could bring herself to lay all her burdens on him. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't expect that from him. Not when…not when she had cost him everything he loved.

But Derek wasn't willing to let this go. He could hear his mother's words as if she was right next to him.

"_No, this isn't about me. This is about Meredith. I won't watch this tear you both apart. I won't stand for that. She will break, Derek, it is just a matter of when. And you need to give her time. Give her time to heal. In the meantime give yourself time. You lost someone too, Derek. You need to grieve in your own way."_

Derek realized that something had triggered Meredith's release. His mother was right. She had broken. She had obviously finally given in to the pain she was feeling. But now she was closing up again, making comments that made no sense to him. He longed to know what she was thinking, what she had meant by her last remark. Why she thought he couldn't look at her. She had been the one avoiding him, dodging him every chance she got.

'_Give her time to heal.'_ He couldn't give her time. Time wasn't healing her, it wasn't healing them. Time was what was tearing them apart. Physically they were still together, but emotionally? Emotionally they were drifting further apart with each passing day and it was slowly killing him. If he let her she would be back to how she had been. Vacant, detached…alive but not really living. And if he was honest, he wasn't either. He wasn't living; he was stuck in a moment. He couldn't move sometimes. He felt like he was frozen in time, frozen in the moment when his life had changed forever. He needed to move on from that. He needed to learn how to breathe again, how to live again. But he couldn't, no _he wouldn't_ do it without her.

"Meredith?"

"I can't….I can't look at you…I can't make you look at me….look at the woman who took…who…." She paused, pressing her hand against her lips.

"Meredith, don't you see? I need you. All of you. I need you and you're drifting away from me. I can't do this. I can't do this without you. You can't expect me to. I need you." He replied, frantically trying to make her understand.

"You don't need me, Derek. How could you after I…" She stopped again, just short of telling him what he so urgently needed to know.

"After you what? Meredith…please. Please talk to me. What did you do?" He asked, running his hand through his hair.

"I…I…I just…" She broke off, shaking her head.

"Mer, please…I can't…you have to tell me. You have to talk to me. You have to let me in. I can't…please…" Derek begged her, hoping against hope that he could get through to her.

Meredith look up and saw the hope in his eyes, the need written all over his face. She loved him. She loved this man so much it was an ache in the pit of her stomach. The look on his face…she couldn't ignore him. She couldn't make him wait, make him take the blame any longer. She couldn't do it to him. Not to him.

"I broke my promise." She whispered, her voice so quiet he barely heard her.

"What promise?" He asked gently, afraid if he made any sudden movements or spoke too loudly that she would clam up again, retreat back into whatever she had been doing to protect herself.

"I…I promised her. I promised her that…that I would not become my mother. The day she was born I promised that I wouldn't do to her what my mother did to me. I promised I wouldn't abandon her. I promised. But I did, Derek. I…" Meredith failed to quell the sob that bubbled up inside her and it slipped out as one after another the sobs raked through her small frame.

"You didn't abandon her." Derek said quietly, his heart shattering piece by piece at her words.

"Yes I did. I did. I…I fell asleep. I was so tired. I scrubbed in. I had scrubbed in and when I got home…I was exhausted, Derek. When you got paged I went straight to bed. I was asleep minutes later. I never got up to check her like I normally did. I never…I didn't wake up until it was too late." Sobs punctuated her words, sending her body into convulsive shivers.

"What kind of mother…what kind of mother sleeps while their baby dies? What kind of mother does that make me? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of maternal instinct…some intuition that something is wrong? Something that…I was sleeping. She died all alone, Derek. I was sleeping and she was dying and I just…I can't…I can't let that go. I can't…I can't sleep without seeing her…and I…I'm just exhausted. I'm…I'm so tired all the time. I'm just…I…" Meredith buried her face in her hands as she finally gave in and let the sobs consume her, her body shaking violently with the force of her emotions.

Realization dawned. Oh my god. She didn't blame him. He wasn't the one she had been blaming for weeks on end. Derek closed his eyes briefly as, once again, the image of her sitting prone on the kitchen floor bleeding came screaming back into his mind. She hadn't moved. She hadn't tended to it. She hadn't done anything. She had just sat there. How much worse could that have been? How much worse? And all because he hadn't realized what was going on in that head of hers. He hadn't understood just how damaged she was. He couldn't allow her to sit alone for one second longer. He had reached the end of his control. He scooped her up into his arms and carried his sobbing wife back to their bedroom, sitting on the end of their bed with her in his arms, rocking her gently. Meredith cried against his chest, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

For the longest time they sat, Meredith clinging to him as her tears soaked his t-shirt while Derek rubbed her back in soothing circles, murmuring words of comfort under his breath. Words that made no sense but the melodic sound of his voice soothed and comforted her. Slowly her sobs died down until only the odd hiccup came from her tiny form, cuddled safely against his chest.

"You okay?" He asked softly, still rubbing his hand across her back.

"I tried, Derek. I tried to breathe…to make her breathe for herself but…I couldn't make her…I couldn't…I trained for years, and when it mattered most…I...I couldn't make her breathe." Meredith whispered, closing her eyes against the memory.

"I know." Derek replied quietly, tilting her chin and looking down at her. "You did everything you could, Meredith. Everything you could. It's not your fault. It's not…it's not your fault. It just…it happened."

"I just…I feel like I'm stuck in that moment. Every time I close my eyes I'm back there and I just…it hurts, Derek. Everywhere. Everything hurts. I just…hurt."

Derek nodded against her hair, before standing up, her body clutched against his chest, and carried her over to the bed. He set her down, climbed in beside her and pulled her close to him, her face buried against his neck.

"How bad is it? On a scale of one to ten?" Derek asked quietly, running his fingers through her hair.

"Eleven." She whispered, tears forming once more and sliding down her cheeks.

Derek began rubbing her back again, the touch soothing her as she cried. Before long her body gave in to its exhaustion and she drifted off to sleep in the safety and warmth of his arms. Derek felt her relax completely before he whispered, "Me too."

The room fell silent once more. But this time it wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't threatening and it didn't hang like a storm cloud hovering over the two of them. This time, this time the silence was comforting. Meredith was back where she belonged. She was back in his arms. They could move past this, one step at a time.

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_**Author's Note: I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry that this took sooo long to post. This chapter was most uncooperative and it really didn't want to be written. I rewrote it three times before it came out even vaguely like it was supposed to. Anyway, my apologies for the lateness of this chapter!!! Hopefully the next one will take nowhere near as long! Thanks so much for the reviews!! And thank you for reading:) **_


	9. Chapter 9

Derek lay in bed, content to hold Meredith in his arms. She was sound asleep her breathing deep and even. Derek wrapped his arm tighter around her waist and pulled her closer to him, her back flush against his chest and his leg draped over hers. Closing his eyes, he drifted off again.

It was after nine when Derek awoke again, Meredith still clutched tightly in his arms. He eased her over to her side of the bed, not wanting to wake her. He smiled when she rolled back towards him, trying to drape her body over his. She had slept the entire night through, no nightmares, no calling out in her sleep, no tossing and turning. She had slept peacefully, her body finally succumbing to its need for a good nights sleep. He extricated himself out of her grasp and slipped quietly out of the bed. Walking silently to the other side of the room he grabbed some clothes, quickly changed and snuck out the door closing it gently behind him.

Meredith heard the click and rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She had woken up when she had felt his warmth leave her body and yet she didn't let him know she was awake. She had listened as he had padded across the room and swiftly changed his clothes. She couldn't let him know she was awake. Not yet. She felt…better. It still hurt, the pain still took her breath away and yet…she felt better. Admitting her guilt had seemed to lesson the ache in her stomach and she had slept well, safe and secure in Derek's arms. She had slept the entire night and blessedly the nightmare had left her alone. But now…yes, she felt better but she also felt…awkward. What did she say to him now? She had literally sobbed all over him. She had let him see her at her most vulnerable and now…now she didn't know what to do. She rolled over onto her side burying her cheek in Derek's pillow, hitting the pillow in frustration.

_For goodness sake, he's your husband. You have been married for three years. Three years. It's not like he is some stranger that you fell apart in front of. He's your husband. This shouldn't be weird. So get up._ _You can't hide in here forever. He's bound to notice if you never come down. So get up. Get up, get up, get up. Now!_

With a reluctant sigh Meredith pushed the covers back and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She sat for a while contemplating trying to find the energy she needed to boost her into action. She was nervous, which was insane. She knew that and yet…it didn't stop the butterflies taking up residence in her stomach. Knowing she couldn't put it off any longer she stood up and grabbed some clothes before heading into the bathroom.

Showered, dried and dressed Meredith made her way downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Good morning," Derek smiled walking over and placing a quick kiss on her lips. He handed her a steaming cup of coffee and guided her towards to table.

"Good morning," she replied quietly.

"Sit down. I made breakfast." Derek informed her.

She glanced up at him and silently obeyed, sitting down to the table.

"I'm not hun…" Meredith stopped short as Derek placed a plate of waffles down in front of her.

"You made waffles." Meredith stated.

"I did." He replied.

"You made waffles." Meredith said again, still staring down at her plate.

"I think we have covered that already," Derek teased.

"But…you don't eat waffles." Meredith reminded him, her eyes flicking from the plate in front of her then to the man standing on her left and back again.

"No, I don't. But you do." Derek said, tilting his head and looking down at her.

All of a sudden Meredith was starving. She hadn't eaten properly in weeks and the delicious smell of waffles was enough to get her taste buds working again. But it was more than that. Derek had cooked her breakfast. He had cooked something he didn't approve of because he knew she liked it. He wasn't looking at her like he resented her or thought she was crazy. He didn't appear to find things awkward. In fact his deep blue eyes showed nothing but warmth. The awkwardness melted away and the weight lifted from her chest. She smiled.

"Can I have maple syrup?" She asked hopefully.

Derek's eyes twinkled as he returned her smile, grabbed the syrup off the bench and handed it to her. He watched as she smothered her waffles in the sticky liquid before she picked up her utensils and began to eat.

He gave a relieved sigh and walked over to the cupboard and took out a bowl which he filled with muesli. He opened the refrigerator and took out the milk, pouring some on his breakfast before he replaced it, grabbed a spoon and sat down opposite Meredith. She was quietly working her way through her waffles, a drop of syrup clinging to her bottom lip. Derek checked off the things he had accomplished in his head. _Talking…check, sleeping…check, eating…check. _So far everything seemed fine. He had been worried that she would revert back to silence once she awoke but so far she seemed to be alright. Things seemed almost…normal; Meredith eating a plate of crap while he chewed thoughtfully over a bowl of muesli.

Derek picked up the crossword he had been working on, enjoying the companionable silence as he continued filling in the puzzle and she ate her breakfast. It wasn't long, however, before Derek began mumbling to himself as he spooned another bite of his breakfast into his mouth.

"What are you stuck on?" Meredith asked glancing across the table at him as he began murmuring again.

"I'm not stuck…I'm thinking." He replied indignantly.

"Derek."

"Fine. Seven letter word for unpredictable." Derek gave in, having racked his brain for the last five minutes.

"Erratic," Meredith answered, sounding almost distracted as she cut another piece off her waffle.

Derek looked across at her incredulously.

"How the hell do you know that?" He asked, feeling slightly inferior.

Meredith shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Okay, Miss-I-think-I-know-everything, answer me this. Hat maker, eight letters."

"Milliner," She replied, raising one eyebrow and grinning at him.

Derek laughed. He honestly hadn't expected her to know that one. Meredith and hat making didn't really go hand-in-hand. But as usual, she had outdone him. There had to be _something_ she didn't know.

"My turn," she said holding out her hand for the crossword. Derek handed it over along with the pen and watched as she scanned the options before she found one that satisfied her.

"Male head of family, nine letters." She said glancing over at him, the pen poised on the paper as she waited for his answer.

"Derek," he replied without skipping a beat, giving his eyebrows a suggestive wiggle and winking at her.

Meredith rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"In your dreams. _Nine_ letters and…no. Meredith would have been a much closer guess." She teased.

"Not a chance, woman. And I believe 'patriarch' is the word you are looking for," he replied smugly.

"I know. I had already filled it in," she answered, turning the crossword over and pointing to the box.

"Okay, give me back my crossword," he demanded, his pride taking a beating. There had to _something_ there that she wouldn't know.

Meredith handed him the crossword and rolled the pen across the table towards him. Derek examined the clues until he found one he was certain she wouldn't know. He sure as hell didn't. To be honest, if he had known the answer he would have been more than a little worried.

"Okay, try this one. There is no way _anyone_ would know this. Russell Crowe's middle name, three letters." Derek said smugly.

Meredith opened her mouth and then closed it and shrugged. Derek narrowed his eyes and stared at her. His face fell.

"You know the answer, don't you?" He demanded, the look on her face quite telling.

"I don't! I swear!" Meredith protested, trying hard to keep the laugh back.

"You know Mer, you suck at lying…" Derek said as he gave her a resigned look. "Hit me with it. I know you want to."

"It's Ira." She said giving him an I'm-sorry-I-knew-the-answer look.

"Damn it," he murmured as he filled in the gaps. "It fits."

Meredith let out a little giggle and returned to her waffles. She had the fork raised to her mouth when she happened to glance over and catch the look on Derek's face.

The giggle reverberated in Derek's mind, reminding him so much of his daughters. He struggled to hide the devastation he was sure was so evident on his face. He knew he had failed when Meredith glanced up at him and paled, her eyes proving she understood exactly why he looked like he did. The fork that was paused just short of her mouth fell back to her plate.

"Sorry," she whispered.

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it._ He needed to say something, anything to diffuse the awful tension in the room, to take that terrible look off her face, to take away her need to apologize and yet…he had no words. He didn't know what to say, all he could think of was that giggle. That giggle that he missed so much. He was torn, so incredibly torn. On the one hand he was so happy that Meredith had found something to giggle over but on the other…would it always be like this? Would he always cringe at the sound of his wife's laugh? A sound he used to adore? Because he couldn't live like that. He couldn't.

Meredith pushed her plate towards the middle of the table and stood up.

"I'm going to…going to…I'll just…" she rambled softly as she turned to walk out of the room.

"Meredith. I'm sorry, I just…I don't want you to think you can't…I didn't mean…I'm sorry." He finished helplessly.

Meredith turned in the doorway and looked at him.

"I get it, Derek. I do. I didn't think…I…" She sighed and ran her hand over her face.

"Mer, sit down. Please. Don't go." Derek pleaded with her.

Meredith couldn't leave him looking like that and took her seat again, resting her head in her hands.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't…I'm sorry." He repeated desperately.

"I hate this." Meredith whispered.

"I know." He replied, giving her a sad smile.

An uncomfortable silence filled the air; the only sound in the room was the rhythmic ticking of the second hand as it made its way around the clock. Derek looked over at Meredith who sat as still as a statue, her hair falling down over her shoulders.

"Meredith, I think…we need to talk about something," Derek began.

"What?" Meredith replied lifting her head, a frown creasing her forehead.

"I think we need to discuss moving." He said, watching her closely.

"What? You want to move?" Meredith replied, clearly stunned.

"I don't know. I just think…there are memories here. Memories we can't keep living with. I just think…we need to at least _discuss_ moving. We don't have to sell this house if you don't want to; we could rent it out or…"

Meredith was shaking her head. "Derek, I don't want to move."

"You can't go into the nursery, Meredith. Do you think I haven't noticed? You only went in there last night by accident…we can't live in a house with a room we struggle to enter. There are things here that…I'm not saying we have to move, or that we have to do it right now but…I think it is something we need to think about."

"No! I don't want to move." Meredith said. "I can't…I…"

Derek frowned at the obvious panic underlying her words.

"Meredith, what…?"

"There _are_ bad memories here, Derek. Things I want to forget. But…" Meredith stopped as her bottom lip began to quiver slightly.

"But what?" He asked gently, watching as she struggled to maintain her control.

"But there are good memories too. If we move…I'm scared I'll forget the good ones. And I can't forget, Derek. I can't. I can't lose her twice. I won't do it. I can't do it, I can't…" She broke off as the tears filled her eyes.

Derek got up and walked around to her side of the table. He pulled a chair up next to hers and sat down, turning her gently on her seat until she was facing him.

"We won't forget. We can't. We don't have to make a decision now; I just want you to think about it." Derek said softly placing his hands on her knees.

"Okay, I'll think about it." Meredith replied giving him a tiny smile.

Derek smiled back at her, gave her knee a gentle squeeze and stood up.

"Okay, I have to have a shower and then I'm going to talk to the Chief."

"About coming back?" Meredith enquired softly.

"Yeah," Derek said.

"Oh"

"Did you want to go with me?" Derek asked.

Meredith looked panicked as she swiftly shook her head.

"Okay," Derek replied simply.

He leaned forward and brushed his lips across her forehead before he headed off for a shower.

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Fifteen minutes. Derek had left fifteen minutes ago and she was going out of her mind. Her mind was racing, contemplating what Derek had just said. _I think we need to discuss moving. _She hadn't even considered the possibility of moving. The thought hadn't even entered her head and now it was all she could think about. She hadn't thought about it but Derek obviously had. He seemed to want to move and his reasons made sense and yet moving was the last thing she wanted. Moving would mean breaking the final link she had to the family she had had, if only for a little while, and she didn't want to break it. Rebecca had taken her first steps, had her first birthday, her first Christmas, her first Easter…her first everything had happened here. Her first and her last. Meredith wasn't ready to give that up, she wasn't ready to let go. But was Derek right? Did they need to move? Would it make things easier or…?

Meredith gave her head a little shake. She needed a distraction; she needed something to take her mind off her thoughts, anything as long as it didn't involve thinking about moving. Meredith glanced towards the kitchen bench as an idea popped into her head. She had never tried it, she had always just assumed she couldn't. She had never had the desire before, it really wasn't her forte and yet…all of a sudden she wanted to give it a go.

She got to her feet, walked into the kitchen and began searching through the bottom kitchen drawer. Her fingers brushed against the object she was looking for and she pulled it out, sitting it on the bench.

It was an old recipe book that had been her Grandmother's on her father's side. Meredith wasn't sure it had ever been used in this house. It certainly hadn't been used by Ellis, that was for sure, and Meredith had never used it. She had never had the inclination. She had it now, though. She flipped through the book trying to find something that sounded appealing and easy to make. Her eyes fell upon 'Macadamia Nut Chocolate Chip Cookies.' She ran her eyes down the page, quickly scanning for what she would need.

_1/2 cup butter, softened_

_1/3 cup packed dark brown sugar_

_1/3 cup white sugar_

_1 egg_

_1 teaspoon vanilla extract_

_1 1/8 cups sifted all-purpose flour_

_1/2 teaspoon baking soda_

_1/2 teaspoon salt_

_1 cup macadamia nuts, chopped_

_1 1/4 cups chocolate chips_

Meredith dragged a chair over to the cupboard, climbed onto it and began searching for the items she would need. _Okay, I've found the nuts and the sugar…ah, here is the flour and the salt…what on earth does vanilla extract look like? I wonder if it is this little bottle…nope, that's Tabasco sauce…probably not what I want…oh, here it is…hmm…smells good. Okay, baking soda, baking soda…where is the baking soda? Nope, that's baking powder. Is there even a difference? Maybe I could just use the powder…never mind. Here is the baking soda. Okay, that's everything._

Meredith climbed down from the chair and began carrying everything she would need over to the bench, making several trips to check she had everything. She stood looking at the ingredients already regretting her spontaneous decision. There had to be a reason no one ever let her in the kitchen. Granted she didn't cook. But this wasn't cooking, this was baking. Baking seemed…easier. She was a surgeon. Surely she could follow a recipe. Meredith slipped her rings off and placed them on the kitchen windowsill before she gave her hands a thorough clean, drying them on a new tea towel.

She scanned the instructions and then spent ten minutes hunting around the kitchen looking for the egg beater and a large bowl. She now had everything she needed.

"Step one: Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease 2 large cookie sheets with vegetable shortening. Well what the heck is vegetable shortening? That wasn't on my list. I guess oil will have to do. And now I'm talking to myself which is certainly one way to get myself sent off to an asylum, assuming Derek doesn't do that once he finds out what I'm doing," Meredith rambled to herself as she spread the oil out over the cooking sheets she had found.

She turned the oven onto the correct temperature and ran her finger down the recipe book as she read the next instruction.

"Cream the butter and sugars together in a large bowl. Beat in the egg and vanilla extract until well blended. Sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt; gradually blend into the batter. Stir in the chopped macadamia nuts and chocolate chips. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls onto the cookie sheets, about 2 inches apart."

As she began adding the ingredients to the bowl she had found, Meredith began mumbling to herself.

"This would be a lot easier if I know what 'creaming' was…"

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The Chief leaned back in his chair and contemplated the man in front of him.

"You told me to take as long as I needed." Derek reminded him.

"I did." Richard replied giving a small nod.

"Okay, then what is the problem?" Derek said frustration etched into his face.

Richard gave a deep sigh and folded his hands over his stomach.

"Meredith? Does she want to come back too?"

"No. She's…no." Derek sighed.

"She's not ready." Richard stated.

"No, but I am. I'm ready, Richard." Derek replied.

"Are you, Derek? What happens when you freeze in surgery?" Richard asked.

"I have _never_ frozen in surgery Richard, and I…" Derek began angrily before he was interrupted.

"I know you haven't, but you have also never had to deal with what you are dealing with now. I can't have my head of neurosurgery unable to perform. I can't have you back before you are ready, Derek. It's not good for you and it is not good for the hospital."

"With all due respect Chief, whether I am ready or not is my decision to make." Derek snapped.

"No it's not, Derek. The decision to reinstate you is mine. Have you thought about what will happen when you have to operate on a child?"

Derek went silent, the look on his face saying everything the Chief needed to know. All the anger drained away and was replaced with a quiet desperation.

"I need to come back, Richard. I need to operate. I need my life to start going back to normal. Surgery is normal for me. I need this." Derek pleaded.

"I can't let you come back for those reasons, Derek. You can't hide behind your job. That won't solve your problems and I can't let you use this hospital to try." Richard replied.

Derek nodded slowly and stood up, making his way towards the door.

"Derek." The Chief called out. "Your job will always be here, your problems won't. Deal with one at a time."

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Derek pulled the door shut behind him, the dull click only enhancing his annoyance. He had been so sure that the Chief would let him come back. It had been five weeks. Five weeks. If Derek was honest he wasn't ready; he knew that. But he wanted to be ready. He wanted his life to go back to normal and returning to work had seemed like a good starting point. With that option ripped away from him he really didn't know where to begin. Meredith had seemed better this morning. Of course, that was before he had ruined everything with a look. One look had succeeded in disintegrating the easy camaraderie they'd had going. Things had felt almost…normal, the same as it had been before everything. It had, however given him the opportunity to talk to her about moving. He was willing to wait until she was ready, but he did think it was an important step for them, a necessary step. But it was too soon for her and he accepted that. He would wait until she was ready to discuss it again.

Derek made his way down the hallway and entered the elevator, riding it to the bottom floor. He walked out and smacked into Cristina Yang. He reached out to steady her and noticed she had her nose buried in a patients chart.

"Watch it!" She demanded before she looked up and saw who it was.

"Oh. Dr Shepherd. What are you doing here? Is Mer here?" She asked impatiently.

"No, she's not. She's at home." Derek replied pulling his hands away from her shoulders.

Cristina's face fell and she just nodded.

"Okay, well I have to get this chart to Burke so…" Cristina trailed off, giving him a pointed look.

"Right! Sorry." Derek took a step to the side and watched as Cristina carried on past him.

If he had to run into someone at the hospital he was glad it was her. She wouldn't give him false sympathy, or act any different around him than normal and he appreciated that. She was just Cristina, his wife's best-friend. She was the one who had come and sat with Meredith when he had had to go grocery shopping. She had turned up and sat silently with Meredith on the couch, neither of them saying a word. Cristina had realized Meredith's need for silence and not once had she broken it. She had stayed by her side until he had returned home and then she had left.

Derek sighed and made his way back down to the parking lot, the beginnings of a headache niggling at the back of his eyes.

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"Burke."

Burke was leaning against the nurses' station and turned at the sound of her voice, accepting the chart Cristina held out.

"Cristina. Have you…?" He began before she shot daggers at him out her eyes and interrupted him.

"Not yet!" She snapped.

"You have to do it. I want to tell people and I can't until you tell her."

"I can't just tell her! I have to…look, I will tell her, you just have to let me do it in my own time. I can't go and rub it in her face."

"You won't be rubbing anything in her face. You want to be the one to tell her? You know what this place is like. It won't be long before everyone knows. If you want to be the one to tell her then you have to do it soon."

"How exactly are they going to find out if we don't tell them?" Cristina asked smugly.

"You can't expect me to keep quiet forever, Cristina." Burke warned her.

"Fine. I'll tell her. Happy?" Cristina asked sarcastically.

"Ecstatic." Burke replied dryly.

"Cristina!"

Cristina turned around to see Izzie walking swiftly towards her.

"Hey, I just heard Derek was here. Was Mer here?" Izzie asked excitedly.

"Told you things don't stay quiet around here," Burke murmured before looking pointedly at Cristina and walking away, flicking through the chart.

"No, Izzie, Meredith wasn't here." Cristina replied glaring at Burke's retreating form.

"Damn. You know, it isn't healthy spending all that time in the house. We need to get her out. Maybe we should have a girl's night out. She'd come to that, right?" Izzie asked.

"She might, but I won't." Cristina replied.

"Oh, come on Cristina. It'll be fun. We can talk and…" She broke off at the look on Cristina's face. "Okay…there will be alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. We can go to Joe's."

"Fine. Whatever." Cristina answered. "But there will be rules, Izzie. No talking until I have had at least two drinks. And no hugging or squealing, not even when I'm drunk, got it?"

Izzie rolled her eyes and pointed to the nurses' phone.

"Whatever. Ring Mer and ask her."

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_**Author's note: Okay, I know that is a weird place to stop, but this chapter was becoming extremely long, so I decided to post what I have written, and post the second half of the chapter up when it is complete. Hopefully this chapter was a little light relief from the heaviness of this fic.**_

_**Thanks so much for the reviews and as always, thank you for reading :)**_


	10. Chapter 10

"Meredith…"

"No, Cristina. I really don't want to." Meredith exclaimed into the phone as both hands plunged the last of the baking dishes into the soapy water.

"Yeah, well neither do I. If I have to go, you have to go." Cristina replied firmly.

"But…" Meredith began before Cristina interrupted her.

"No buts. You, me and little miss sunshine are having a girl's night out…apparently. We'll come get you at 6 o'clock."

Meredith was silent, contemplating what she was going to do. There seemed to be no getting around it. Cristina was determined. And there was no dodging a determined Cristina. If she was honest, she missed her friends. She missed seeing them, and laughing with them and yet…she wasn't ready. At least, she didn't think she was ready. She wasn't sure leaving the house was a good idea. It had become her haven. Perhaps not for much longer if Derek was still wanting to move but for now…for now it was her safety net. And the thought of having to leave left her panicked and shaken.

"Cristina, I…I just don't know if…"

"I miss you." Cristina said quietly.

"I…6 o'clock," Meredith finally caved, Cristina's words tugging a little on her heart strings.

"Oh, thank god. Okay, I'll come pick you up. Izzie can be the sober driver. It's her idea, and I'm thinking that you and I will need all the alcohol we can handle."

As Meredith hung up the phone she heard the front door open and then slam shut.

Derek stalked into the kitchen and tossed his keys on the table.

"I guess your meeting with the Chief didn't go so well." Meredith observed quietly.

"No." Derek replied shortly.

"So he didn't let you back?" Meredith asked.

"Obviously not." Derek snapped.

Meredith said nothing, she merely pulled out the plug and watched as the water swirled around the sink and then disappeared out of sight. She heard Derek let out a sigh and then felt his hands rest gently on her hips.

"Sorry. It's not your fault he said no. I didn't mean to snap at you." He murmured quietly.

"It's alright."

Derek spun her around until she was facing him and dropped a swift kiss on her lips. As he pulled back he frowned and brushed his thumb over her cheek.

"Is that…flour?" He asked, clearly puzzled.

"What? Oh…yeah, probably." She replied.

Derek looked slightly alarmed and grabbed her arm as she moved to turn back to the sink.

"No, no there is no 'probably' with you…why do you have flour on your…oh my god, you cooked!" He looked positively horrified at the thought.

"No, I did not cook!" Meredith retorted frowning as Derek visibly relaxed.

"I baked."

"You baked." Derek repeated.

"Yes, I baked cookies."

"You baked cookies."

"Are you going to repeat everything I say, or are you going to come up with a sentence of your own?" Meredith asked looking slightly annoyed.

"You cooked and the kitchen is still standing?" Derek questioned, quickly scanning the room.

"First of all, I baked. Baking is not cooking. And secondly, yes, the kitchen is still standing! And thirdly, nice to know you have faith in my abilities." Meredith announced.

"I have immense faith in your abilities, but you seem to be forgetting that I have sampled your cooking before." Derek reminded her.

"That was cooking. This is baking. They are completely different." Meredith informed him.

"Really?" Derek asked, his mouth curling up into a slight smile.

"Yes. Really. Do you want a cookie?" She asked.

"Er…" Derek began before she cut him off.

"Scratch that. Here, have a cookie." She said firmly before grabbing a cookie off the cooling rack and handing it to Derek.

Derek glanced down at the cookie in his hand and then back up at Meredith. He snapped a small piece off and slowly brought his hand up to Meredith's mouth, tilting his head and grinning at her.

"I'll eat it if you taste it first."

"Seriously? What, you think I'm trying to poison you?" She asked dryly.

"After the scrambled egg incident you never know. Here, you eat this and I'll eat the cookie." Derek promised.

Meredith rolled her eyes and opened her mouth. Derek slid the piece of cookie into her mouth and watched her face closely as she chewed. When she didn't make a face or spit it out, he decided that it couldn't be that bad and took a cautious bite.

It was delicious.

In fact he couldn't remember the last time he'd had a macadamia chocolate chip cookie that had tasted that good. Of course, considering he didn't normally eat such food, that could be why but still…they were edible. More than edible, they were delicious.

"It's good!" He exclaimed, grabbing another one off the rack and throwing Meredith a smile over his shoulder.

"You don't need to sound so shocked," she grumbled.

"Well, I sincerely apologize. Never again will I doubt your baking skills…your cooking skills are still free game, though." He replied winking at her.

Meredith smiled back at him and began placing the remaining cookies into a container and snapping the lid on.

"Cristina rang today," she remarked casually.

"Hmm?" Derek mumbled his mouth full of Meredith's baking.

"Yeah. I'm going out with her and Izzie tonight."

Derek froze and swallowed quickly.

"Really?" He asked, walking over to stand next to her and leaning on the bench.

"Yeah, apparently we are going to Joe's."

"That's good, right?" Derek asked, responding to the slightly panicked look on Meredith's face.

"Yeah…it's…it should be fine."

"Alright. You okay?" Derek asked frowning.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Truly fine, or Meredith fine?" Derek asked a concerned note creeping into his voice.

Meredith shrugged lightly.

"How bad is it today?" Derek asked, raising his hand to cup her check gently.

Meredith looked into his eyes and gave a deep sigh. "I don't know. An eight. Maybe a seven."

Derek pulled her into his arms, his hand stroking her hair.

"Maybe getting out of the house and seeing your friends will make it a definite seven."

Meredith wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him. "Yeah."

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6 o'clock rolled around a lot faster than Meredith had hoped. She was dressed and seated at the kitchen table when the front door swung open. She knew Cristina had arrived. She was the only one who never knocked, something Derek despaired at but had got used to.

"Mer?" Izzie yelled.

"Kitchen." Meredith called out as she stuffed her house keys into her purse.

"Hey." Cristina said. "You ready?"

"Yeah. I just need to say goodbye to Derek and we can go." Meredith replied.

"Oh, yum. Iz, you've been baking?" Cristina was pulling the lid off the container Meredith had left on the bench and rummaging around for the biggest cookie. She had just taken a bite when Izzie replied.

"What? No, I haven't baked in days. I should, actually. I feel like muffins, or maybe…"

"You didn't make this?" Cristina mumbled. Three seconds later she had grabbed a paper towel and spat the cookie into it.

"No, she didn't. I did." Meredith said calmly.

"Well, what were you thinking leaving them out for unsuspecting people?" Cristina demanded as she glared at Meredith.

"Don't you think you should taste them before you make statements like that, Cristina?" Derek remarked from the doorway.

"Oh, you're one to talk!" Meredith pointed out.

Derek winked at her before grabbing another one and taking a quick bite.

Cristina frowned as she watched him and glanced down at the uneaten cookie in her hand before tentatively raising it to her mouth.

"Huh. So you don't completely suck. Not bad, Mer. Okay, we need to go now." Cristina said cookie in hand as she marched out of the kitchen.

"Okay, we should probably go too," Izzie remarked, "before she leaves without us!"

"Okay. Derek, are you sure you don't want to come?" Meredith asked, pleading him with her eyes.

"It would hardly be a girl's night out if I came, would it? I'm perfectly happy staying home." Derek tilted her head and gave her a quick kiss before slapping her on the backside as she walked past him and out into the hall.

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The three girls entered the bar and made their way towards the only empty booth.

"I've never seen Joe's this crowded," Meredith observed as they slid into the booth.

"Me neither, but you spent more time in here than I did," Cristina replied.

"Yeah." Meredith said softly.

There was an awkward silence as Meredith stared down at the table and Izzie shot Cristina a say-something look. Cristina looked helplessly at Meredith and then back at Izzie and shrugged.

"So…you baked." Izzie said quietly.

"What?" Meredith asked, jerking her head up.

"You baked."

"Yeah, I baked." Meredith replied.

"You _baked_." Izzie repeated.

"Okay, I think we have concluded that she baked, Izzie." Cristina drawled.

"Yeah, but don't worry Iz, it isn't something I'll be doing regularly. Believe me, your baking is still required." Meredith informed her.

"That's nice to know, but that wasn't what I mean, Mer. You don't bake. Not once in all the years I've known you have you had any desire to bake. Or cook. For which we are all grateful, by the way, but that's not the point."

"Well then what is your point, Izzie?" Meredith asked.

"When you were trying to get over Derek and George and the one-night-stands, you took up knitting." Izzie pointed out.

"Okay…" Meredith trailed off.

"Iz, where are you going with this?" Cristina asked.

"You've gone domestic. What happened?" Izzie asked softly.

"Nothing happened. I just felt like it. What's the big deal?" Meredith asked, her voice rising slightly.

"The big deal is you baked. That's not you." Izzie reminded her.

"Maybe I didn't want to feel like me, even if it was only for a few hours." Meredith snapped.

"Mer, I'm sorry, I just…I'm worried about you." Izzie said, regret tainting her words.

"I know. I just…can we talk about something else?" Meredith asked as she began de-shelling the peanuts in the bowl in front of her. "Someone give me some happy news."

"Okay, well, I need alcohol. Iz, you're the sober driver tonight, Mer and I nominated you." Cristina informed her.

"Why am I the sober driver?" Izzie asked, glaring at Cristina.

"Because, out of the three of us, you are the only one that can get exceedingly happy on nothing more than water and some new gossip." Cristina said dryly.

"Oooh, you have new gossip?" Izzie exclaimed, leaning towards Cristina.

"And you just proved my point," Cristina said raising her eyebrows.

"Whatever." Izzie remarked, rolling her eyes. "You have gossip. Spill."

"I said yes." Cristina's words came out in a rush and she grimaced.

"What…Oh! You said yes?!" Meredith asked smiling. "Are we happy you said yes, or…?"

"Yeah, we're happy. I think." Cristina replied.

"Okay, is this one of those 'we're best friends so we talk in a secret code' type of things or is one of you going to tell me what's going on?" Izzie huffed.

"Burke proposed and I said yes." Cristina informed Izzie.

As Izzie's mouth opened Cristina snapped into action. She glared across at Izzie before raising her hand for to curb any sounds Izzie might have made.

"One of the conditions for this night was that there would be no squealing." Cristina reminded Izzie.

"I wasn't going to squeal, I was going to say congratulations," Izzie pointed out.

Cristina just started at Izzie, her eyebrows raised.

"Fine, there may have been a little squealing but come on, Cristina. You're engaged!"

"Okay, I need a drink. As of two minutes ago. I need alcohol. Now." Cristina leapt to her feet and groaned when Izzie offered to help.

Meredith leaned back against the booth as she watched the two of them bicker their way up to the bar. Before long they were back, Cristina balancing two drinks in her hands as she set one down in front of Meredith.

"So, are you having a big wedding or a small one? Will there be bridesmaids?" Izzie asked hopefully.

"I thought we had decided we weren't going to discuss the wedding anymore!" Cristina groaned.

"No, you decided, but I really think…" Izzie began.

"Okay, I'm going to play darts. Mer, you want to play?" Cristina asked, interrupting Izzie.

"I'm not allowed to play darts." Meredith reminded her.

"What, McDreamy still won't let you play?" Izzie laughed.

"No, he says I'm a danger to those around me." Meredith smiled sheepishly.

"So? He's not here, is he?" Cristina said.

"No, but I'd hate to prove him right." Meredith pointed out.

"Fine. Iz, you know how to play?" Cristina asked.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I'm one of the rare people who can throw a pointy stick at a board," Izzie replied sarcastically as she slid out of the booth.

"Okay, good. This will be interesting to see who wins, then." Cristina smiled.

"Why do you have to make everything a competition?" Izzie asked as the two girls wandered away.

Meredith just shook her head and had idly begun stripping another peanut when a shadow fell across the table. She looked up to find a man she had never seen before grinning at her from the other side of the booth. His dark brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail that hung lankly down his back and his gray eyes were glazed over, evidence of excessive amounts of alcohol.

"Hi Angel, can I buy you a drink?"

"I've already got one, thanks." Meredith replied, gesturing to the drink in front of her.

"So? Who says you can't have two?" He slurred, wiggling his eyebrows.

"My husband probably wouldn't appreciate it," Meredith hinted.

The grin fell from his face and was replaced with a sinister scowl.

"Sugar, if you don't want to have a drink with me, you don't have to lie."

"I'm not lying and I don't want to have a drink with you." Meredith pointed out.

"Well if you ain't lying then where are the wedding rings? If you want to use that as an excuse honey, you might want to get some." The drunk man said loudly.

Meredith felt her stomach turn as she glanced down at her hand. Her finger was bare. The rings were gone. Panic filled her as she began retracing her day in her head, desperately trying to remember what she had done with them. How could she have forgotten where she had put them? How could she have lost them? She felt naked without them. She needed them.

"I knew you weren't married. So, how about that drink?"

"I am married, I've just…misplaced my rings." Meredith croaked out.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm sure you have a bunch of kids at home too!" He mumbled, reaching across and grasping hold of her hand.

The words penetrated her dull panic and she felt the breath whoosh out of her, her rings forgotten. Pain filled her chest and tears pooled in her eyes. She could do nothing but sit there numbly as the man's sweaty hand groped hers.

"Rings or no rings, she is very much married," a deep voice spoke from just behind her. She sagged in relief as a firm hand gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

The man glanced up at the man standing behind her and, not liking the look in his eyes, dropped her hand as if it was on fire and shot out of the booth.

Alex took the seat the drunken man had just vacated and gave her a concerned look.

"You ok?" He asked softly.

"Yeah. Thanks Alex." Meredith replied, blinking back the tears.

Alex merely looked at her, a frown etched into his face.

"Seriously, I'm fine. I'm not going to fall apart on you." Meredith assured him.

"You could, you know." Alex replied.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You could. Fall apart. You know, if you wanted to. You're entitled to it. Believe me, it helps." Alex assured her.

"Really?" Meredith gave a soft laugh. "It was easier when I wasn't thinking about it."

"Nah, avoiding doesn't help, trust me. It will only make you even more scary and damaged."

"Dark and twisty. And avoiding helps me." Meredith replied softly.

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't be you and I wouldn't be me if we didn't avoid. But trust me on this, Mer, it doesn't help. If you avoid this…it'll eat away at you."

"What were you avoiding, Alex?" Meredith asked glancing over at him.

"I had a sister," he replied bluntly. "She died."

"Oh, Alex, I…" Meredith trailed off.

"She was six, I was eleven. My parents had gone out for the evening and I was in charge. I put Christy to bed and I was watching TV. I fell asleep. When I woke up the house was filled with smoke and I could hear things crackling and popping. I remember the windows smashing as I ran to the kitchen and called 911. There were people yelling outside, but all I could think about was Christy. I could hear her crying but I couldn't reach her. She was screaming my name but the fire was so hot, it was so hot and the smoke was so dense I couldn't get into her room. She couldn't get out. I remember hearing a loud bang and a crack and then the roof collapsed. She stopped screaming after that. I couldn't hear her anymore. Someone grabbed me and carried me outside. I never saw her again."

The silence stretched the air between them as Alex took a deep breath, and Meredith tried to digest what he had told her. There was so much more to Alex than people thought there was. The idea that he had had to go through something so horrible at such a young age weighed on Meredith. He might be the one person who actually understood exactly how she felt. Other than Derek, of course, but even he struggled to understand the magnitude of her guilt, of how if felt to fail someone you loved so much.

"I've never told anyone that." Alex informed her.

"So why did you tell me?" Meredith asked quietly.

"Because I don't want you to end up like me. It took years before I forgave myself for that. And it affected everything I did. Every relationship I ever had. I don't know what it's like to lose a child but I do know loss, Mer. I know what it's like to feel guilty, and to watch someone you love die. I know how much that hurts."

"I see her." Meredith whispered. "I dream about her, about that night and I just…I can't…"

"I know. I had nightmares too. I used to hear her calling my name, wondering where I am. I still do sometimes. But it gets better. They go away." Alex said quietly, taking a drink from his beer.

"So what do I do now?" Meredith asked as the tears that had pooled in her eyes worked their way down her cheeks.

"You have taken so many hits in the last few years, Mer and not once have you let them get you down. You fought back. You never let yourself get knocked out. But if you want to get through this, you need to let people in. Don't do what I did. Don't alienate everyone around you. Trust me, it only makes things worse. You dance and jab. You do what it takes to keep yourself off the ropes. You go on the offensive, not the defensive."

"Boxing metaphors, Alex? Seriously?" Meredith asked him, a slow smile creeping over her face.

"Dude, do I look like a chick to you? If you want sunshine and rainbows go to Izzie. I'm a guy, sports is my thing." Alex replied, winking at her.

"No, you don't look like a chick, which means you are crashing our girl's night out!" Izzie exclaimed as she and Cristina made their way back into the booth.

"Yeah, well, I'm off anyway, Iz. Go back to your tampons and pillow fights." Alex retorted.

"Is that really what you think we talk about?" Izzie asked looking positively horrified.

Alex merely laughed before grabbing his beer and standing up.

"Thanks Alex," Meredith said softly, her eyes giving him all the thanks he needed.

"No problem. Catch you later!" And with that he had disappeared through the crowd.

"What was that about?" Cristina asked, peering at Meredith who had an odd smile on her face.

"Nothing. Who won?"

"I did," Izzie replied proudly.

"Whatever. Who said it was a competition anyway?" Cristina mumbled.

"You did." Izzie reminded her.

Meredith blocked out their voices and thought back to what Alex had said. _If you want to get through this, you need to let people in. _She had spent so much time and effort trying to shut Derek out, to block out the memories. She put all her effort into forgetting and in the process had pushed Derek away from her. _You dance and jab. You do what it takes to keep yourself off the ropes. You go on the offensive, not the defensive. _She had been on the defensive, striving to hide herself away and to cocoon herself away from everyone and everything. Alex was right. She had to let people in, she had to allow Derek to help her and in turn she could help him. Alex was right. He had given her what she needed to begin to move on.

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_**Author's Note: Again, thank you for all the reviews!! And thank you for reading. Those of you who read Harry Potter, enjoy the seventh book!!! I know I'm looking forward to it:D**_


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith dragged her weary body to the front door. Cristina and Izzie were exhausting. Exhausting but distracting. She had found she had missed them more than she had realized, but now…now she just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep the night away. She had slept the night before, she had slept well, but one good night sleep didn't make up for over a month with hardly any. She had been struggling to keep her eyes open as she nursed the same shot of tequila she had fiddled with all night, something Cristina had noticed. Her answer to Cristina's probing question had merely been that she didn't feel up to a hangover in the morning. Which, while true, was not the only reason she had not drunk a lot, if any, really. Alcohol was a temporary fix. She knew that. In times past she had hidden behind it as a way to alleviate pain, a way to drown her sorrows. Alcohol was her escape from the world, a way to pretend the pain didn't exist. It wouldn't work this time. She would have had to drink an ocean of tequila to bury the pain currently residing in her heart.

Meredith twisted the key in the lock and pushed open the door, flicking on the light. The deep groan emerging from the family room gave her a start as she stepped through the door.

Derek was lying on the couch, one arm flung over his eyes to block out the light. He looked awful, his skin pale and sallow. He looked…like death.

Meredith gasped and flew across the room, bending down in front of the couch.

"Derek?" She whispered.

Derek felt the word, though quietly spoken, slam through his head and kick start another bout of pounding. He felt as though his head was being split in two, the pounding was so intense. He moved his arm from his eyes but when he registered the light was still on he groaned again. Meredith realized the problem and switched off the light before returning to her pose in front of him. Once more he removed his hand and opened his eyes, blinking a little as she swam into focus. He saw the concern on her face before the room dipped and swayed again, bright colored lights swarming into view. The headache that had been threatening all day had arrived with a vengeance, hammering behind his eyes. He closed his eyes again as the swirling room caused his stomach to churn, the nausea he had been fighting for the last hour returning.

"Migraine?" Meredith asked, barely speaking, concern twisting her features.

With tremendous effort Derek managed to nod; even that slight movement causing another series of thumping inside his head.

The panic that had raced into action at the sight of him on the couch eased. It was a headache. Only a headache. He wouldn't die. He'd be fine. Meredith eased herself up off the floor and disappeared. She was gone only a short while before she was back. She carried a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.

"Have you had anything for it?" She asked softly, crouching down beside him once more.

Derek tried to think, tried to form a coherent thought but the pain stole them all away. He had no words, he had no thoughts. He had only the incessant, repetitive pounding determined to split his head in half.

"Derek, you have to think. I need to know if you took anything." Meredith asked again, her hand pressed gently on his chest.

"I took some earlier, about 3." Derek croaked out.

Meredith checked her watch and sighed. "It's 10:30, Derek. You should have had some more hours ago."

She uncapped the lid and shook two small white pills into her palm and handed them to him along with the glass of water. Gently she helped him sit up noting the way he paled further, if that was possible, at the movement. He swallowed gratefully before sinking back down onto the couch with a small moan.

Meredith left him lying there, grabbed her bag from the front door and ascended the stairs heading towards their bedroom. Once there she flung the bag onto the bed and began gathering up the things she would need; a damp facecloth, a soft blanket and a pillow. That done she stripped out of her clothes and changed into her pajamas. With the items clutched tightly in her hands she made her way back downstairs and returned to Derek, silently walking across the room. She pulled the coffee table in the middle of the room over to the couch and set her collection of things on top of it along with the nearly full glass of water and the aspirin. She disappeared again into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of water which joined the rest of the items on the table.

"Derek, I need you to sit up for me." She whispered, nudging him softly on the shoulder.

He groaned.

"Derek, it'll just take a second and then you can lie down again, I promise."

He moaned.

Meredith ran her hand underneath his shoulder blades and began to lift him up, hoping he would get what she wanted him to do. He gave a reluctant sigh and struggled until he was sitting up. Meredith settled herself in the area he had just vacated and then guided him back down until his head rested in her lap. The coffee table laden with all her bits and pieces was within easy reach, containing everything she would need for the next little while.

Meredith picked up the cool, damp facecloth and began wiping it gently over his face, the cool material making him moan in pleasure. She dipped it in the bowl of water, wrung it out and proceeded to repeat the process all over again. She patted the top of his chest, his neck, his forehead before raising his head slightly and placing the cloth on her leg, directly under his neck. That task done she began tracing light, soft circles along his temples and running her fingers through his hair.

Derek felt the cool cloth Meredith was applying to his fevered skin and moaned in gratitude. The cool dampness was like water to a thirsty tongue, easing away some of his discomfort. When he felt her begin to massage his temples and run her fingers through his hair he could have kissed her. Well, maybe not in his current state, but the thought was definitely there. She seemed to have a magic touch, soothing his pounding head. Of course, the throb was still there but it was not as intense as it had been. As her fingers weaved their subtle magic, Derek gave himself up to the sensation and let her touch send him off to sleep.

For a long time Meredith traced circles and figure eights along Derek's forehead, occasionally roaming up past his hairline to massage his head. She felt his breathing deepen and knew he had fallen asleep. She reached towards the coffee table and grabbed the soft cashmere blanket which she threw over both of them, tucking it around his slumbering body. As she returned her fingers to their gentle caresses she was reminded once more that her rings were missing. Exhaustion hit and she fell asleep trying to remember where she had taken them off.

Sometime in the middle of the night Meredith felt him stir. She struggled to read the time in the dim light the moon provided before deciding it was safe to give him some more painkillers. She shook the bottle again, handing him the correct dose and the glass of water to which he murmured 'thanks.' She closed her eyes again, absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair once more until she fell back into a deep slumber.

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Derek awoke as the light slanted through the curtains. His head felt slightly tender but the dreaded pounding had gone. He slowly felt the fog of sleep melt away and he blinked rapidly, gradually sitting up. The room stayed where it should; there was no more unnatural swirling and dipping, no colors twirling in his eyes. He realized that he was no longer cradled in Meredith's lap. He was just getting up off the couch when she walked into the room, still in her pajamas and carrying a glass of water.

"Hey, you're up. Did you want some breakfast?" She asked.

"No, I…no." He said, grimacing at the mention of food. His head felt better but the way his stomach had felt last night food was not an appealing option at the moment.

Meredith nodded in silent acceptance and handed him the glass of water which he drank appreciatively.

"You haven't had one of those in a while," Meredith commented seating herself in the armchair opposite him, curling her feet under her.

"I know." He replied. "Added stress, I guess."

"Yeah." Meredith's voice became very thin at his words, guilt shining in her eyes.

"Mer?" Derek queried, seeing the subtle change that came over her.

"How's the head?" She asked, the change in subject not going unnoticed by Derek.

"Better. Much better. I should have known it was coming. It niggled all day. How's yours?"

"Mine? Fine." Meredith said.

"Really? No post-tequila hangover?" Derek teased.

"Nope. I didn't drink nearly enough for a hangover."

"You didn't drive yourself home though, right?" Derek asked looking slightly concerned.

"No. Of course not. Cristina nominated Izzie as the sober driver. Iz dropped me off."

"I'm sure she was thrilled." Derek drawled.

"She got over it…out of the three of us I actually think she enjoyed herself the most. Apparently she kicked Cristina's ass at darts." Meredith said with a smile.

"Apparently? So you didn't play. I mean, Joe didn't lose any customers?"

"No Derek, I didn't play. I mastered baking, I'll tackle darts another day."

Derek grinned at her before taking another sip of water.

Meredith glanced down at her lap and ran her finger over the now bare spot where her rings used to be. She would have to look for them, she felt naked without them. Her missing rings threw her back into the conversation she had had with Alex the night before. _Because I don't want you to end up like me. But if you want to get through this, you need to let people in. _Let people in. She needed to let people in, starting with Derek. Starting right now.

"Derek…" Meredith began, looking over at him.

To Derek she looked like a lost child, alone in a crowd of people. She looked uncertain and unsure of herself, almost…nervous.

"Yeah?" He asked watching her closely as she wrung her hands together and bit her lip.

"I'm sorry." The words were quiet, a thin whisper in an otherwise silent room. In fact, they were so quiet that if he hadn't been aware she wanted to say something he never would have heard them.

"For what?" he asked as a genuinely puzzled look graced his face.

"For…everything. For shutting you out, for adding to your stress, for…so much. I'm…I'm sorry." Meredith was looking at the floor intently now, her expression pained.

"Meredith. It's alright. It's fine." Derek promised her.

"It's not, actually, but I'm working on it." She informed him, looking up from the ground. "I shouldn't have made you worry."

"Mer, I'm always going to worry. If you had talked to me every single day I still would have worried." Derek reminded her.

"Really?" She asked.

"Of course I would. Meredith, I love you. Worrying about you is part of the package. The only way I will stop worrying is when I don't love you anymore. So I guess I'm stuck worrying about you forever." He smiled.

Her eyes lit up before a shadow passed across her face, dimming her expression.

"What?" Derek asked frowning slightly.

"I just…Nothing, it's nothing. It's silly."

"What? You thought I didn't love you anymore?" Derek asked looking shocked.

"No! No, I…I guess I wondered if you…"

"If I what?" He pressed.

"If you felt the same way after…everything." She tore her eyes away from his.

Derek got up and walked across the room, pulled her out of the armchair and sat down before hauling her onto his lap. He was silent for a moment before he began to speak.

"Meredith, Becca didn't define who we are. I loved you long before we had her and I still love you. If anything I love you more."

"Really?"

"Loving you comes as naturally as breathing. I'm not sure I know how to stop." Derek said running his hand in circular motions on her back.

He felt her relax against him as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"I love you too, you know that, right?" She asked quietly.

"I always suspected you did." He replied arrogantly as a smile curled in the corner of his mouth.

They fell into an easy, companionable silence before Meredith spoke again.

"You know, it's weird."

"What's weird?" He asked tilting his head to the side and looking down at her.

"I didn't think I wanted kids. In fact, I never thought I would have them. I always assumed…I don't know. I never saw myself married, either. Things change, I guess."

"Yeah, things change." Derek echoed.

"But I knew how much you wanted a family, how much you wanted kids. I couldn't deny you that. But then…she was born and…_everything_ changed. It wasn't as hard as I imagined. I thought maybe I could do it, maybe I wouldn't screw it up."

"You _didn't_ screw it up," Derek reminded her.

"I wasn't given the chance to find out if I _would_ screw it up, Derek." She retorted angrily.

"I know, but you still didn't screw up and if things were different, you wouldn't have screwed up." He replied confidently.

"I guess we'll never know." Meredith said quietly.

"I miss her too." Derek said softly. "I miss her so much it hurts. It's like a constant ache in my stomach. I can't get rid of it. It's always there, always reminding me."

Meredith's eyes filled with tears as she realized how selfish she must have seemed, how self-absorbed. She had shut herself away in an attempt to deal with her grief while he had been left to struggle alone.

"Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Meredith said quietly as the tears rolled down her face.

"I don't want your apology, Meredith. I want your promise that we won't let this change us. That we can find a way to get through this. Together." Derek said blinking back tears of his own.

"I promise." Meredith replied softly as she raised her lips to his and sealed her promise with a kiss.

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_**Author's Note: Well, nothing spectacular has happened in the last few updates, but then this isn't really a 'spectacular' fic…I guess it just sort of rolls along, if that makes sense. Anyway, Mer is starting to open up thanks to good ol' Alex, and Derek is determined that this won't split them apart…so hopefully all goes well for them. Thanks for the reviews, and thank you, as always, for reading. :)**_


	12. Chapter 12

"Go out with me."

"What?" Meredith leaned away from his chest and glanced down at him. She had lain in his arms, safe and secure for the last hour, drifting in and out of sleep as he rubbed her back. She felt warm and loved as he cradled her against his lap, her legs draped over his thighs. He had been content to hold her while she dozed off, catching up on some much needed sleep. Falling asleep sitting on the couch was not the best idea she had ever had but it had worked. Derek was so much better this morning, his color was back and he was able to talk without wincing. Yes, it had been worth it. Anything was worth having him back to the way he was now.

"Go out with me. On a date. A proper date." Derek repeated brushing her hair away from her face.

"You do realize we are married, right?" Meredith asked.

"Yes, so will you?" Derek grinned.

"Will I go out with you? Hmm…I don't know…" Meredith pondered, her eyes twinkling.

Derek pinched her lightly on the backside and shot her a look.

Meredith arched away from him laughing. "Alright, alright, I'll go. So, where are we going?"

"Er…." Derek began.

"You asked me out and you didn't have anything planned?" Meredith scolded before a tiny laugh slipped out.

"If you'd let me finish, woman, I would tell you." Derek growled.

The silence filled the air as she waited expectantly. As the silence dragged on Meredith raised one eyebrow and stared down at him. He stared back as he racked his brains trying to think of something, somewhere, anywhere that would do. But as he looked at her, her eyes shining with a happiness that was so rare these days, he lost all concentration, allowing himself to get caught up in her. She was beautiful, so beautiful. And she was his, all his.

"Derek?" Meredith questioned when he continued to stare at her, a strange look in his eyes.

He smiled and cupped her cheek, running his thumb along her soft skin. He pulled her towards him and kissed her. It was soft. Quick. Like a habit. She returned his smile and leaned into him again, giving him a deep I-love-you-more-than-anything kiss. She put everything she had into the kiss, every pent up feeling she had into that one little kiss. When they broke apart they were both panting slightly. Meredith leaned down and laid her head on his shoulder, inhaling his scent.

"Don't think that made me forget that you don't have anywhere planned," Meredith said quietly, grinning against his neck.

Derek laughed before informing her, "It was more of a spontaneous thing. I really didn't have anything planned. I just think it would be good for us, a night out for…us."

"Okay," Meredith replied softly. "I'd like that. Just us."

"Good." Derek answered, relief reflecting in his tone. "We can go out for dinner or…wherever you want. I don't care. I just…I want an evening…alone…with you."

"Mmmm, sounds good. Dinner. Yeah." Meredith mumbled as the movement of his hand on her back made her drowsy.

Derek was pleased she had agreed. He hadn't expected her not to, not really, but the doubt was still there. There was a closeness missing between them, almost as if an invisible wall had gone up that prevented them from really connecting the way they had before. Both seemed reluctant to just let their feelings take them where they would. Derek felt they had become a little stiff, almost doing things on automatic pilot and he wanted them to be able to relax, to just _be_ with each other.

"Mer, go to bed." Derek said, prodding her gently.

"Hmmm? No, I'm good here." She murmured as she snuggled closer to his chest.

"I know, and I love having you here but you need a proper sleep. I need you lucid when we go out tonight." He teased.

"Mmmm," was the only response he got from the figure slumped against his chest.

"Meredith." He said more firmly this time. "Come on, go to bed. I'll clean up in here."

Meredith seemed to register the urgency in his tone this time and she slowly sat up, blinking rapidly.

"I fell asleep?" She asked rubbing her eyes. "Actually asleep?"

"Yeah, you did. I know you're tired, Mer. Go to bed. Have a decent sleep."

"Okay." She slid off his lap and wandered out of the family room and out into the hall before gradually making her way upstairs. It was evident she was tired when she didn't complain, didn't argue but merely did as he suggested. Her stubbornness wore away when she was tired; he could usually cajole her to do anything when she was in her half-awake half-asleep state. He knew she hadn't had a lot of sleep, sitting up as she had been. And he wanted their date to go well. He wanted that connection that they used to have and dinner had seemed a good way to go about it.

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Derek buttoned up his shirt and slipped his tie over his head, leaving it dangling around his neck. He had gone for a white shirt and black suit. Simple but elegant his Mother would say. He was sitting on the end of the bed, his ankle crossed over his knee doing up his shoes when the bathroom door opened and Meredith emerged.

Derek stared at her, his leg falling back to the floor. She looked stunning. The emerald green dress she wore clung to her curves, emphasizing the gentle swell of her breasts, the smallness of her waist before falling in gentle folds down around her knees. The thin straps accentuated the line of her neck, the height of her cheekbones. Her hair was freshly washed and hung in waves down her back, wisps framing her face. His gaze traveled down her body, taking in the black high heels adorning her small feet before trailing back up her body and meeting her gaze.

Her face was flawless, her delicate features made up beautifully, her lips shiny, her eyebrows perfectly plucked. But it wasn't the dress, it wasn't her hair that stole his breath, it was her eyes. Once blank, dark pools of despair they now radiated a light they hadn't in a long time. The green eye-shadow she had so expertly applied highlighted her eyes, giving them a luminous quality and making them stand out against the paleness of her skin. Her nap that morning had done wonders for her, reviving her and giving her much needed energy. There were no dark rings to distract from the porcelain features. She was…perfection.

Derek slowly got to his feet and made his way across the room, never once taking his eyes off her.

"You look gorgeous," he said quietly, stopping just in front of her to stare intently into her eyes.

She smiled softly and reached up to grab the tie hanging around his neck. She began to tie it, crossing the ends over each other and creating the perfect tie.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she murmured running her finger around his collar to check that it was sitting as it should.

Derek shivered as her finger stroked his neck and he placed his hands on her slim hips, pulling her slowly towards him.

"Derek, don't crease my…"

He swallowed the rest of her protest as he pressed his lips against hers. At first her lips remained motionless beneath his, determined not to give in to the desire curling in her stomach. He laughed softly, aware of what she was trying to do. He pulled back with a twinkle in his eye before he crushed her lips again. His lips slid across hers, teasing her into responding. He ran his tongue over the crease of her lips and felt her resistance give way. With a quiet moan she wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her mouth, giving him full access to her honeyed mouth. Meredith felt her body begin to tingle as his tongue swept inside her mouth and tangled with hers. Her fingers brushed against the ends of his hair as she pulled him closer to her. When they broke apart they were both panting, eyes dark with desire. Derek swallowed hard.

"We should probably leave before…" The rest of the sentence hung in the air as Derek took a deep breath.

Meredith ran her tongue softly over her bottom lip, now swollen from his kiss.

"Yeah," she breathed still staring up at him.

Derek's eyes slid to her mouth as her tongue darted out again, running nervously over her lips. He groaned before stepping back from her, his hands falling from her hips.

"We need to go if we're going to make our reservation." He said slowly.

Meredith nodded and made her way towards the open door. She stopped when she realized Derek wasn't following her. She turned around and saw him standing in the middle of the room watching her as she walked away, a gleam in his eyes. Suddenly dinner didn't seem so important. She didn't want to go to dinner now, she only wanted…Derek. The only thing better than a night out with Derek was a night _in_ with Derek. She smiled across at him and tossed her purse back across the room, watching as it landed on the bed. It was all the invitation he needed.

He walked slowly across the room, his eyes never breaking contact with hers. She smiled slightly, her eyes telling him she needed this, wanted this just as much as he did. He reached the place she was standing and brushed a strand of hair off her face with a gentle touch, his eyes asking if she was sure. She smiled again and dipped her head slightly, answering his unspoken question.

His hands moved to her waist and he pulled her flush against his body, his mouth settling possessively over hers. He wasn't in any hurry, lazily exploring the contours of her mouth and slowly driving her crazy. Pulling her mouth away from his she glared at him, silently demanding that he stop teasing her and give her what she wanted. She yanked on his hair, hard, before pulling his mouth back towards hers. With a low growl mingled with laughter he gave her what she craved, deepening the kiss. Her heart pounded in her chest, her stomach fluttering gently. She wrapped her arms around his neck, threading her fingers through his hair, effectively anchoring him to her as his tongue danced with hers.

Derek pulled away from her, burying his face in her neck, the scent of lavender filling his senses making him believe this was as close to heaven as he could get. Meredith stroked his back, his muscles rippling under her touch and he gave a soft moan. Meredith splayed her hands across his back and slowly moved them down his body. Derek kicked the door closed and pressed her against it, his fingers moving around behind her and unzipping her dress. With a soft whoosh it fell to the floor, leaving her wearing only her bra and panties and her black high heels. Meredith pulled on his tie, loosening it before slipping it over his head and tossing it on the floor.

Derek plundered her mouth again, his hands inching their way up her smooth, silky stomach and cupping her breasts through her lace bra. He flicked his finger lightly over her nipple, feeling it pucker beneath his touch. His eyes burned with male satisfaction at the proof of what he could do to her, what he could make her feel. He bent his head down and took the hard peak into his mouth, sucking through the lace. Meredith moaned and arched into him, thrusting her breast deeper into his mouth. Derek trailed his mouth over the delicate skin above her bra, working his way towards the other nipple before taking it into the warm abyss of his mouth. He licked her, flicked her, rolling her nipple against his tongue. It wasn't enough. The material separating him from his ultimate goal had to go…he wasn't close enough. Nowhere near close enough. With the greatest of ease Derek slid a hand behind her back and unsnapped the clasp of her bra. In one fluid motion he let the bra fall to the floor before quickly replacing his mouth back on her rosy pink tip, sucking it hard.

Meredith felt a dart of pleasure stab through her body and her knees weakened as she sagged against Derek. He lifted her weight up and pinned her higher against the door, pressing his thigh between her legs to support her weight. Meredith whimpered at the friction his thigh caused between her legs and pressed down hard against him. He groaned in response and hooked his arms under her thighs, lifting her higher, harder against him. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed warm kisses against his neck, her fingernails pressing deep into his skin. Derek carried her towards the bed, her heels digging into his back with each step he took. His knees hit the edge of the bed and he fell forward, letting go of her thighs still curled around his waist to brace himself as they landed on the bed. Meredith felt her back hit the soft mattress as Derek pressed down on top of her, his hands on either side of her body taking the brunt of his weight.

Meredith kicked her shoes off and fiddled frantically with the buttons on his shirt, desperate now to feel his warm skin against hers. Derek, caught up in her urgency started shrugging out of the shirt as she continued to pull it out of his pants. He tossed it aside before settling back down against her. The feel of her soft skin against his was almost more than he could bear and he shook in response.

Meredith felt his chest hair press against her taut nipples, making her shiver in pleasure. She gasped low in her throat as she felt his erection pressing against her stomach. It had been so long…so long since she had felt this way. She was starving, thirsting, dying to have him in a way she hadn't in too long. She arched against him, grinding her hips in a circular motion against him. He groaned in response, capturing her mouth with his and thrusting his tongue back into the depths of her mouth.

Derek eased his hand down between their bodies, dragging her panties down her hips. Meredith arched again, aiding him in stripping her completely. Before long she was completely naked, pressed beneath Derek as he assaulted her senses. His hands moved down between their bodies once more, caressing her breasts, the smooth, flat line of her stomach, circling her navel before dipping into the very centre of her. He shifted slightly, his knee parting her legs giving him greater access to the very heart of her. His fingers surged through the soft hair at the junction of her thighs, before he reached her slick folds.

Meredith cried out against his mouth, his talented lips silencing any sound she would have made. He continued his gentle petting, driving her insane with need as he teased her yet never giving her what she wanted, what she needed, what she craved.

"Derek, please," she whimpered as his fingers once again skimmed over the place she needed them the most.

"Please what?" He said gruffly, his eyes darkening with desire.

He continued to torment her as his fingers resumed their unrelenting dance against her moist centre. She couldn't help but thrust her hips up towards his fingers in a silent plea for more.

"Derek! Please…please…" she begged again, opening her eyes as he stared down at her.

Derek looked into her green eyes, murky with need. He gave an arrogant nod of his head at the evidence of what he had done to her before slipping a finger inside her, penetrating her tight sheath. She reacted as though she had been struck by lightning, nearly arching him off the bed. He could feel the slick proof of her desire against his hand and it drove him wild as he pushed again and again, thrusting his finger in time with his tongue. He added a second finger, stretching her that little bit more. The rhythmic thrusts sent Meredith hurtling towards her orgasm as she felt white hot pleasure flood over her and she cried out as she reached her peak.

Derek watched her as she came down from her high and almost lost it then and there. She looked so beautiful, her cheeks flushed, her eyes dull with passion. He felt small hands encircling his waist as she unbuckled his belt and pushed his trousers and boxers down his legs. He helped her, wiggling out of them as they hit the floor.

As his now bare legs entangled with hers she ran her toes up his calf muscle, gently massaging before she flipped him onto his back. She placed her hands firmly on his now rock hard shaft, the deep groan emanating from the back of his throat making her heady with power. She stroked him, squeezed him, brushing her finger across his tip, her finger coming away wet with moisture. She leaned down and brushed her tongue against him, gently, softly, teasing him the way he had teased her before she took him in her mouth.

That was almost the end for Derek as he felt her warm, wet mouth descend on him again and again as her tongue flicked over the head of his arousal. When she started to suckle all his composure vanished and he pulled her off him, flipping her over and pressing his body onto her.

"This will be over if you keep that up," he grunted, pushing her against the sheets.

His movements had become less controlled, jerky as he raised her hips high onto the front of his muscular thighs. He leaned forward and kissed her deeply as he entered her, wanting to go slowly, groaning into her mouth as her wet warmth closed around him. He paused.

"Derek?" Meredith moaned as she felt him stop his delicious movements.

"It's alright. I just…I want to…go slow," he broke off, sweat shining on his skin as he fought against the sensations coursing through his body.

"No…Derek, please." Meredith moaned moving restlessly against him.

"It's…just don't…move…don't…ah hell…you moved." Derek groaned as she shifted slightly.

Slow was no longer an option.

With one hard push he was buried inside her, his body screaming for completion as he began to move, rocking her hips against him. She moved restlessly against him, moving her hips in time with his thrusts, her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she arched against him, the pressure building inside her once more. Each time he sank into her depths was better than the previous thrust and he was fast entering the end of his control. Her walls clung tightly to his shaft, sending wave after wave of pleasure through him. He was mindless to anything but his need for fulfillment, his need to watch her find hers. He pulled her legs up to wrap around him as he surged forward time and time again. He was seconds away from his own orgasm. He reached down between their moving bodies and stroked her nub hidden beneath her silky petals. She cried out as once more she was thrust towards the heavens as the pressure released. Tremors racked her body as her second orgasm took over her body. Derek watched as the ecstasy took her over and he thrust one more time before following her with his own orgasm, thrusting into her as he released inside her.

He collapsed on top of her, feeling her heart pounding against his chest, his own slamming inside his chest. He groaned low in his throat and took deep, gulping breaths. She was panting beneath him, her body feeling like jelly. He found the energy to roll onto his side, hauling her now pliant body with him so she was pressed up against him.

"Holy crap!" Meredith managed to croak out as she gasped for air.

"Yeah." Derek replied, before smiling down at her. "That was…yeah."

The silence was punctured only by their heavy, ragged breathing. After a long pause Meredith spoke again.

"I've missed you." She admitted softly, burying her head against the crook of his neck.

"I've missed you too." He replied as his arms tightened around her.

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_**Author's Note: Okay, so I have never written anything like that before so hopefully it came across as it was meant to. Thank you again for reading. :) Oh, and I am not entirely sure when this will be updated next…I start jury service on Monday, and depending on how that goes will effect when I can write again…but I will try to keep writing in the evenings and get the next chapter up as soon as possible. :) And I know you were robbed of their date, but it will come, I promise. :)  
**_


	13. Chapter 13

Derek propped himself up on his elbow and stared down at the small figure lying next to him. The sheet hung down around her waist, leaving her smooth back open to his gaze. Her blonde hair settled around her, spread out on the pillow. She looked peaceful, serene. A look she wasn't going to keep for long.

"Meredith." He whispered, cupping her bare shoulder with his palm and shaking her slightly.

She groaned and wiggled slightly before falling back into a deep sleep.

"Meredith." He called again, a little louder this time.

There was no movement from the slight figure, nothing to indicate she had heard him.

"Meredith, are you awake?" He tried one more time, stroking his hand down her soft skin until his hand rested on the small of her back.

"No." She mumbled, burying her face in the pillow.

"Yes you are. Come on, wake up." He murmured back at her, rubbing her back lightly.

"No." She repeated picking the pillow up and slamming it back down on her head, molding it around her ears.

"Yes." He insisted, now tracing circles with his index finger on her exposed flesh.

"Derek, go away."

"No." He laughed. "I'm not going away. You need to get up."

"It is dawn." A small voice said from underneath the pillow.

"No, it's _almost_ dawn." He corrected as a tiny smile creased the corners of his mouth.

"That distinction is irrelevant, Derek." She muttered sleepily.

Derek grinned and pulled the pillow off her head, running his hands through her hair. He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on the back of her head. She turned over slightly, her face no longer smothered by the pillow. She sleepily opened her eyes, slowly bringing him into focus.

"Good morning, sunshine!" He teased, smirking down at her blinking face.

"There's nothing good about it. And did you say it was _almost_ dawn?" She asked, a tiny frown creasing the corners of her eyes.

"Yep." Derek announced cheerfully.

"Inferring that it is not dawn? You woke me up _before_ dawn? Why?!" She moaned closing her eyes again.

"I owe you a date." He reminded her.

"Derek, we had sex. That can be your date. For once, I don't care. Just let me sleep. Please?"

"Nope. I owe you a date. I keep my promises. Besides, I want to spend time with you." Derek said quietly.

Meredith opened her eyes again and stared intently at him. She stared into the sparkling blue eyes, the windows to the soul of the man she loved. And right now, right now they were telling her he needed this. Whatever his reasons for their date, he needed it. Last night he had needed her, and she had needed him. Now, he wanted this. He needed this. And she could give it to him. Meredith smiled sleepily at him and nodded her assent, stretching her arms up above her head and yawning loudly.

"Okay, okay, I'm up. I'm getting up." She promised as her eyes drooped again.

Derek grinned and yanked the sheet away from her body in one fluid motion, exposing her naked form to the crisp air. She let out a little shriek as the air curled around her skin, removing any trace of the need for sleep. She swiftly rolled over into his warm embrace, cuddling in next to him.

"I so hate you right now." She muttered.

"Nah, you love me." He drawled out.

"Fine, I love you, but that doesn't mean I can't seriously dislike you right at this moment." Meredith grumbled.

He laughed and swatted her on the backside before climbing out of bed, leaving her with no option but to follow if she wanted to be warm.

"Mer, we are going to miss it if you don't hurry up. Wrap up warm, its cold outside."

"Miss what?" She asked looking puzzled.

He merely smiled at her and raised his eyebrows. He had no intention of telling her, knowing it would drive her crazy not knowing.

"Derek?"

"I'm not going to tell you, so you might as well give up now."

"I hate surprises!" Meredith moaned.

"Well, tough. I'm still not telling you."

"Fine." Meredith grumped as she made her way across the room.

Derek listened to her grumble to herself and chuckled quietly. If anything, she was predictable.

"Derek, where could we possibly be going at this hour of the morning?" Meredith tried again as she pulled underwear and a pair of jeans out of a drawer and stepped into then, pulling them up her slim legs.

"You never give up, do you? Just get dressed. You'll see."

"What kind of answer was that? A non-answer. That's what that was. What do I need to wear? Are jeans okay?" Meredith asked, probing for information.

"You look fine, although I would advise wearing a top of some description…while I thoroughly appreciate your naked form I appreciate it more when I'm the only one who sees it…" He trailed off throwing her a quick wink as he began dressing himself, following her lead and pulling on a pair of jeans before teaming it with a blue top and a black leather jacket.

She rolled her eyes and grabbed the first top she laid her hands on, a purple sweater. She yanked it down over her head and ran a brush quickly over her hair, leaving it to hang loosely down her back. She dived into the bathroom and brushed her teeth, moving over at the sink to give him room to do the same. In unison they brushed their teeth, the bristles moving over their teeth in quick succession as they watched each other in the mirror. When they had both completed the task, Derek leaned over and dropped a soft kiss on her lips.

"It seemed safe to do that now you're minty fresh." He teased, tilting his head slightly as he gazed down at her.

"Oh, so I don't appeal before I'm dressed? Maybe you should have thought of that before you woke me up at some ridiculous hour of the morning!" Meredith replied, softening her answer with a grin.

"Mer, you're a doctor. You get up early all the time. This is nothing!" Derek reminded her.

Meredith's face fell slightly and she pulled away from him, leaning down to screw the cap back on the toothpaste. The silence was ominous.

"Mer?" Derek asked, watching as Meredith's movements became awkward, her posture stiff. "You okay?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine." She assured him, flashing him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"What's wrong? What did I say?" Derek asked as a concerned frown crinkled his forehead.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

"Okay…" Derek trailed off, the question still inflected in his voice.

"Truly, I'm fine." Meredith repeated, smiling once more.

"Alright. Well, in that case, are you ready to go?" Derek asked quietly, still watching her carefully.

"Sure. Where would that be, exactly?" She asked casually.

Derek laughed and opened the bathroom door for her, not dignifying her question with a response. Meredith gave a frustrated sigh and ducked under his arm, despite her protests she was willing to trust him wherever he would lead her.

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"So, is it worth waking up for?" Derek breathed softly against her neck, the words tickling across her skin.

Meredith smiled and leaned back into his arms, his back sheltering her from the cool wind. His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, his hands linked at her stomach. She felt safe, warm, loved. She felt wanted. She gazed out over the water, her hands gripping the metal rail that ran the length of the docks as the sun began to peek over the horizon.

"Yeah, it is definitely worth waking up for. It's so beautiful, Derek." Meredith murmured.

"I know." Derek replied as he glanced down at her. "So beautiful."

"Mmmm." Meredith moaned softly as she leaned her head back against his chest.

"I'm sorry about last night." Derek said suddenly.

Meredith's eyes snapped open. 'What?!"

"No, I don't mean I'm sorry it happened. Believe me, I'm not. I just mean I'm sorry it happened the way it did."

"Why? I'm not." Meredith replied.

"You're not." Derek repeated, looking surprised.

"No. I'm not. I was comfortable with you, Derek. Comfortable in a way I haven't been for a while now. For a moment it felt like we were you and me again. I'm not sorry for that. I needed that. " Meredith reassured him.

"Well, I'm still sorry I ruined our date."

"You didn't ruin our date. We just skipped a part of it. This is more us, anyway. We were never the 'fancy meal' type people. This is more our style. Although if you could find something that is perfect for us that doesn't require me getting up at the crack of dawn, that would be really great." Meredith grinned.

Derek laughed and hugged her closer to him.

"Just think, when we go back to work I won't be dragging you out of bed to look at sunrises."

Derek looked out over the water. The sun was rising high in the sky, the brilliant shades of gold reflecting off the water casting a warm glow all around them. The water rippled gently as the wind blew across its surface. For a moment, the world stood still as the sun made its slow climb into the sky.

He looked down at the woman he loved more than life itself. He would do anything for her. He would do anything to make her happy, to make her laugh, to make her eyes shine the way they did when she was happy. She was better, so much better than she had been the week before. The vision of her curled up on the nursery floor still haunted him. He hated when she was upset. It tore at his heart, knowing there was very little he could do for her. But she had seemed better. Not completely healed, but better. They had laughed, they had joked. Yet this morning…this morning, if only for a moment, she had slipped back. For that brief moment he had realized that she wasn't as 'okay' as he had thought. It scared him to see that helpless look in her eyes and to be at a loss as to how to fix it. He felt better, more complete than he had in a long time. For him, each day that past helped heal the hole he had feared would never be filled. It wasn't fixed, not by a long shot. He wasn't sure it ever would be, but he had hope that it wouldn't be as deep, it wouldn't be as gaping as it had been. He still felt nauseous; tears still pricked his eyes when he thought about his daughter and what had been taken from him. He still struggled to enter her room, to look at her photographs, to remember what it felt like to hold her in his arms. He missed her something terrible. But it was getting easier, slowly and surely it was getting better.

Meredith watched the orange glow reflecting in the water as it slowly moved across the still surface. It was peaceful, tranquil, calming. She had been happy. Last night she had been happy and this morning…this morning it had all hit her again. Meredith felt tears well up in her eyes and spill silently down her cheeks, big fat drops of misery.

Derek smiled softly and tightened the arms that encircled Meredith. He glanced down at her once more and his smile slipped away. She was standing quietly in his arms, looking out over the water as tears fell softly down her cheeks.

"Meredith? What's wrong?" Derek asked as he felt her body begin to shake a little. He spun her around in his arms, tilting her chin up as he stared down at her. Her eyes were downcast and her bottom lip was trembling ever so slightly. She was the very picture of misery.

Meredith just shook her head never raising her eyes from the ground.

"Mer, why are you crying?" Derek instinctively pulled her closer to him, her chin resting on his chest.

"I'm…I'm not crying." She mumbled into his body.

"Really? Then what's this?" He asked gently as he ran his thumb over her damp cheek, collecting some of the moisture that hung there.

"Rain." Meredith replied, twisting her mouth into a fake smile.

"It's not raining." Derek pointed out as he wiped his thumb across her cheek again. "What's wrong?"

Meredith felt ridiculous. How could she explain to him why she was crying when she didn't even know herself? She couldn't pinpoint the problem. It was…everything. She didn't think she could put into words what the problem was so she shook her head again as more tears poured down her face, leaving silver trails behind.

"Don't cry, Meredith." Derek said hoarsely as he watched the tears sliding down her cheeks. "I can't stand to see you cry. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"I…I don't know what's wrong! It's everything! Everything's changing and I…it's too much, Derek. I can't take it, I can't." Meredith babbled as she stepped out of his arms and walked away to the side, leaning against the rail and looking out over the water. She was silent for a long time until the tears began to slow.

"She's dead, Derek. She's not coming back. Ever. I know that. I do. It's just…it's hard to wrap my head around sometimes. It seems almost…surreal. Like a nightmare I have yet to wake up from. But I'm awake. I can't escape it. I can't pinch myself to bring me back to reality. This _is_ reality. This is my reality. And it sucks. I hate it. I hate everything about it and yet…I can't alter it. I can't just decide to make everything the way it was. It is what it is. And on top of that, I've lost my desire to be a surgeon. All my life I wanted to prove my Mother wrong, I wanted to prove to her that I could do it, that I had what it took to be a doctor. It was the one constant in my life, the one thing I could count on. My ambition. But now…now I don't even have that, Derek. It's gone. I just don't want to do it anymore. And I can't find my rings, which wouldn't be a big deal except it's another thing that's changing, something else that's different. It feels wrong not having them, just like it feels wrong not having her….not having her here. It's wrong and I can't…I don't know how to make it right. I can't make it right. And now you want to move. You want to move and I can't. I can't, Derek. It's too much." Meredith stopped her ramble and bit her bottom lip, her stance nervous and unsure.

Derek sighed deeply "I didn't mean right now, Mer. We don't have to move now. You don't even have to think about it if you don't want to. I just…it was just an idea, an option for the future. Our future. Maybe it wasn't what we planned, or one we would have chosen, but it is our future. We have a future, Mer."

"Do we?" She replied, turning her head to glance at him, her eyes dull with pain.

"What?" Derek asked as his mouth fell open in shock. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"What is our future, Derek? What do you want?"

"You. I want you. You and me…that's my future, Meredith. That's what I see when I look ahead, when I think of what's going to happen down the road. You're it. Everything else, everything else falls in behind that. If I have you, then the rest falls into place."

"But am I enough for you?" Meredith asked quietly, her old insecurities floating to the surface.

"You're it for me." Derek repeated firmly. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you, I've never needed anyone the way I need you. We can get through this. We can. But you need to talk to me. You can't shut me out and expect it to go away. It doesn't work like that. You need to tell me when something is upsetting you; you need to tell me when things get too much. Okay?"

"Okay." Meredith replied as a soft smile graced her face.

"Okay. Now, about the rings. I can buy you new ones; it's not a big deal. That is one thing we can fix." Derek began.

"I don't want new rings, Derek. I want the ones you gave me. I want the ring you placed on my finger on our wedding day. They are special to me." Meredith interrupted, trying to make him see that she wasn't simply overreacting. The rings meant something to her; they symbolized his promise never to leave her, to love her for as long as they both lived. They were something for her to hold onto when everything else seemed to be up in the air.

"Okay, then we will both look for them till we find them." Derek replied. "As for your doubt about being a surgeon…you're good at what you do, Mer. Brilliant, in fact. You have been gone a while. Once you are back you will remember what it was that made you want to be a surgeon."

"I'm not going back." Meredith answered. She spoke so quietly that Derek thought he had misheard her.

"What?"

"I'm not going back."

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_**Author's Note: Okay, I suck! I'm sorry this took so long. My apologies for the lateness of this chapter, and subsequent lateness of the next few updates. They will come, they just may take longer than I would wish! Thanks, as always, for reading and for your patience with me. :)**_


	14. Chapter 14

Derek felt the shock of her words hit him square in the chest. Nothing could have shocked him more. Meredith, the woman who loved to operate, the woman who had a natural talent with a scalpel wasn't going back. She wasn't. Going back.

"What do you mean you're not going back?" Derek asked his tone astonished.

She looked over at him, watching as he slowly reacted, straightening up from where he had been leaning against the guard rail. He was staring at her like she had gone insane. Derek thought she had gone mad. Predictable, she thought. She didn't know anyone who would understand the decision she had come to. Cristina certainly wouldn't. She hated to think what Bailey would say, or what Richard would think. But she couldn't go back. She just…couldn't.

"Everything's changed, Derek. The way I see it, I should change everything about my life. Maybe…maybe that's the answer I've been looking for. Maybe if everything changes, then it won't feel so different. If everything's different, then maybe I won't notice the other changes." Meredith answered, desperate to make him understand.

"So let me get this straight. You don't want to move because it is too much, but you are willing to throw away your career? What, do you not expect that to affect you too?" Derek replied, a harsh note creeping into his voice.

"I knew you wouldn't understand." Meredith murmured quietly.

"Damn right I don't understand! Mer, this makes no sense. None!" Derek barked.

"You aren't even going to try to see it from my point of view, are you?" Meredith shot back at him.

"I _am_ where you are, Meredith. I'm _in_ your point of view. I lost her too. I know things are changing, that things _have_ changed. But I'm not running away!" Derek argued back at her.

"That's what you think? That I'm running away? Derek, this isn't something that I can run away from!" Meredith cried out. "It is what it is, and I'm trying to make the best of it!" How was she going to succeed in having him understand how she wanted to make the best of the worst thing that could have happen to her...the worst thing that could have happened to any mother. She had carried her baby for nine months. She had nurtured her from the very beginning, feeling her as she grew and moved inside her. Rebecca was literally a part of her, and to be _apart_ from her hurt. A piece of her had been taken away and dealing with it was hard to cope with. Her bond with her daughter had started before Derek's could. She had had the head start. Sure, she had wondered whether she could be a mother, she had worried herself sick with fear of failure, but not once had she resented her baby. In those nine months she had formed that bond of a mother and her child. A bond that had now been cut, severed in the most permanent of ways.

"Meredith, you have just been saying how much you hate the fact that everything's changed. If you quit, if you don't go back, that's another change, a big change. You will change who you are. I don't understand how you could not go back. You don't have to go now, or even in a months time, but you do have to go back, Meredith." Derek pushed his hand through his hair in frustration.

He was terrified. Meredith would regret this. He knew her, he knew her better than anybody. And now he was afraid that the choices she was making didn't stem from her desire for change, but her desire to forget everything that had happened. She would slowly but surely build a wall of regret around her. It would become so high that even he wouldn't be able to scale it, so impenetrable that he would be shut out once more.

"Actually, I don't have to." She murmured.

"So, this is your plan? To make changes in your life? Life altering decisions? That's your brilliant plan?" Derek snapped back at her.

Meredith said nothing, a little shocked by the tone he was speaking to her in. Was he right? Was she making a mistake? It didn't feel right, her decision didn't feel right. There was something…off. And yet, she couldn't operate again. She couldn't…she broke off that thought before it had time to form.

"What about me?" Derek was speaking again, but his tone had shifted slightly. Now, instead of angry, he was angry and…vulnerable.

"What do you mean?" Meredith asked, a confused frown creasing her forehead.

"What about me, Meredith?" Derek repeated. "What change are you going to make with me? If you want to make changes, if you want everything to be different, that includes me. I'm the biggest change you have to make, so what about me? What changes are you planning to make regarding us?"

"Nothing! I'm not changing us…I can't!" Meredith blurted out as a tear trickled out the corner of her eye.

Derek saw the tear and felt his stomach clench. He was being cruel. Deliberately so. He wanted to shock her into giving him the real reason she wanted to quit. He knew what it was, or at least he thought he did. But she needed to admit it. She needed to tell him. But that lonely tear shook him to his core. Maybe there was another way. Maybe he didn't need to be so harsh. He watched as another drop joined the one rolling its way down her cheek. He steeled himself against it, against the misery depicted on her face. He had to do this.

"You can't have it both ways, Meredith. You can't announce that you are making changes, big changes and not expect our relationship to change. It doesn't work like that. Any changes you make include me, they have to."

Meredith felt her stomach flutter in panic. Had her decision, or what she thought would be her decision cost her Derek? Had she finally succeeded in losing the one thing she loved that she had left?

"Please, Derek…" Meredith spluttered as the tear dripped off her chin.

"You can't have both, Mer. So what do you want? Do you want our relationship to change?" Derek pressed, feeling every inch of her pain.

"No! I…no, Derek, please. I don't…I don't want…that's not what I…" She took a deep, shuddering breath, her lungs desperate for some air.

"You're cutting out surgery, are you going to dispose of me, too?"

"No! Why are you doing this?" Meredith sobbed quietly. "Why are you pushing this?"

Derek's expression softened.

"Because I know that if you go through with this, you will regret it, Meredith. Maybe not now, maybe not in a few months time but you will regret it. I know what regret can do to a person. I know what regret did to me. It will tear you apart, and I won't watch you do that. Regret isn't…it isn't something you want to live with. Trust me. I regretted leaving you. I lived with that regret for months. I made some decisions, said some things I'm not proud of, Mer. In those few months, I wasn't me. Don't do that to yourself." Derek said gently.

"Maybe I won't regret it. Maybe it is what is best for me." Meredith looked up at him, staring into his deep blue eyes.

"You will." Derek replied firmly. "You will regret it. You're a surgeon. It's who you are. You can't cut that part of yourself out without fundamentally changing who you are."

"I can't do it." Meredith murmured quietly, turning out to face the water.

Derek felt relief flood through him. She was talking. Actually talking, and now they were getting to the heart of the matter. He never said anything. He merely stood beside her, leaning out over the water and waited for her to speak.

"I hate giving people bad news. It's the worst part of the job. You feel their pain. But now, now I know what it feels like. I actually know their pain, how much pain they really feel. I don't know if I can make them feel that way. I don't know if I can operate on someone's child, no matter their age, and risk having to make them feel that pain." Meredith swallowed, managing to push past the lump in her throat. She was desperate for him to understand, pleading with him to put himself in her shoes.

Derek reached over and grasped her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. Meredith glanced down at their joined hands, a tiny smile on her lips before she spoke again.

"How can I ever look a mother in the eye and tell her I'll look after her child, that I'll do what I can? Doing what you can isn't enough, sometimes. Sometimes it isn't enough. And then, if that child dies on the table, how can I go out and say that there was nothing I could do? That helplessness…it's the worst feeling in the world, Derek. You think regret is bad? Try regretting the helplessness of a situation. There is no way out of that. It's quicksand. The more you struggle against it, the deeper you sink."

"We're not talking about some random child now, are we?" Derek asked softly, tilting his head to the side, his lips curling up into a sad smile.

Meredith took a deep breath and sighed. "No."

Derek pulled on her hand gently, enfolding her into his embrace. Her words pierced something inside him. '_Doing what you can isn't enough, sometimes. Sometimes it isn't enough.' _She was right; sometimes doing all you could wasn't enough. Derek sighed.

"Until you find the strength to really deal with the death of our daughter, nothing is going to be good enough, no matter how many operations you refuse. No matter how many changes you make, Mer. None of it will do what you want it to do until you're willing to really deal with it."

"How did you do it?" Meredith whispered.

"Do what?" Derek asked.

"Make peace with it."

Derek sighed. "I don't know that I have, completely. But each day it gets better. But if you're wondering what I did, I went to see her."

Meredith tensed in his arms, her back becoming rigid. "What?"

"I went to visit her." He repeated simply.

"You…you went to see her?" Meredith asked, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Yes, I did."

Meredith was silent for a long while, staring out over the water as it lapped gently in the wind. He had visited her grave. He had actually gone to the final resting place of their daughter. Could she? Did she dare? The thought of visiting cast a shadow of unease over Meredith. It bought with it an unsafe feeling, the fear of even more pain.

"Would…would you come with me?" Meredith asked quietly.

"To her grave?" Derek questioned softly.

"Yeah." Meredith replied slowly. "I think I need to go."

"I'd love to." Derek strengthened his hold on Meredith. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

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Derek parked the car and switched off the engine. He turned until he was facing Meredith. She was sitting bolt upright, staring straight ahead, her hands folded on her lap. Derek had recognized her tense demeanor but he hadn't pushed her. He had done enough pushing for one day. She had been silent on the way to the cemetery and he had respected her need for space.

"Mer, are you sure about this?" Derek asked quietly as he unbuckled his seat belt.

"Yeah, I…I think so." She answered tentatively, following suit and releasing her belt.

"Okay. Well, do you want me to come with you? I would like to come with you." Derek said, tilting his head a little as he contemplated her answer.

"Thank you. But I think this is something I have to do by myself." She whispered.

Derek smiled before leaning over and kissing her softly on the cheek. "Alright. But I'm right here if you need me, okay?"

"Okay." Meredith smiled.

She climbed out of the car, her hair blowing in the cool morning breeze as she padded her way softly over the dew studded grass. Her stomach twisted as she walked down the rows until she found the one she wanted. She found the section reserved for infants and children. The miniature plots for the young ones taken early. There in the middle was the headstone she was looking for. _Rebecca Grace Shepherd_.

"Rebecca Grace Shepherd." Meredith murmured as she crouched down in front of the headstone, brushing her hand gently across the name etched into the stone.

"You know, your Dad and I…we argued a lot over what we were going to name you. We just couldn't agree on a name. Nothing seemed to fit. I liked Emma, but he had an old girlfriend called Emma, apparently, so that wouldn't work. He liked Ruth, but I reminded him we weren't having an 89 year old. We fought over so many names. But eventually, eventually we found a name for you. Something we both agreed on. You weren't named after anyone, or anything. They were just names we liked. He picked your first name, and I chose your middle name. Grace. I never told you, and every child deserves to know where their name came from. I chose Grace because…" Meredith broke off and took a deep breath. She sat down on the grass in front of her daughter, curling her feet under legs.

"I chose Grace because…you were my saving grace." Meredith broke off as the tears began to fall, streaming down her cheeks. "And there's so much I didn't get to say, so much I wanted you to know. But maybe, maybe I can tell you now."

She dashed the back of her hand over her damp cheeks as she struggled to regain her composure.

Derek had got out of the car and was leaning against it, his hands in his pockets. He watched as Meredith sat down on the grass, her lips moving frantically. He didn't know what was being said; he only hoped that whatever it was would help her to move on. His heart clenched as the tears fell down her smooth cheeks and he longed to go to her, to take her in his arms and soothe away her hurt. But she needed to do this. No matter how much he struggled to watch the pain on her face, this was something she needed to tackle on her own. So he remained where he was, leaning against the car as he silently observed the scene unfolding before him.

"You know, when you were born you terrified me. You were so small. You were this red, tiny, wrinkled little thing and I was terrified. It's pathetic, really. But I was so scared of dropping you, or hurting you. I dodged holding you every chance I could. But then…you were lying in the little bed they wheeled in next to me, and your Daddy had gone to get some coffee. And you started to cry. So I…I leaned over and…I picked you up. I remember cradling you against my chest, hoping you would stop crying. And then you grabbed my finger. Your hand was so tiny but your grip was so strong! And then I knew. I knew that I could do it. I could be a Mother. I could be a different Mother than the one I had. So I made you a promise." Meredith took another breath, trying to stifle the sobs.

"I promised that I would never leave you, that I would always take care of you. I promised that I would always love you. I guess my mistake was not making you promise to never leave me." Meredith whispered. "But I want you to know…I want you to know that even though there are parts of that promise I can't keep anymore, some things never change. Even though I can't take care of you anymore, or watch over you anymore, I will never, _ever_ stop loving you."

Meredith reached out and touched the smooth, cold stone.

"You're my little girl. Mine and Daddy's. We couldn't have asked for a more precious baby girl. You gave me something I never thought I could have. I remember the first time we took you to the park. You were bundled up so tightly because I was afraid that you would get cold. But you loved the swings. You sat on my lap while Daddy pushed us. The higher we went, the more you laughed and smiled and giggled. We had so much fun. Aunty Cristina kept telling me I was covered in Mommy, and I just laughed. Because the truth is, I liked being covered in Mommy. I loved being your Mommy. And now…I miss you so much!" She sobbed. "So much it hurts. It hurts to know that I can't pick you up and snuggle you close anymore. It hurts to think of how much time I should have had with you. And I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry that I didn't wake up. I'm sorry that you died…that you…that you died alone, that Mommy wasn't there when you needed…I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

Derek watched, his heart constricting, as tears now flooded Meredith's cheeks, her shoulders shaking. He struggled within himself before his need to be there for her overrode letting her do it alone. He walked swiftly over to where she sat, fully intending to go to her when he realized she was speaking again. He stopped short, standing a few meters behind her.

"I miss you. And now…now I need to let you go. I need to accept that you are gone. And I can't do that while I'm holding onto you. Because that won't bring you back. Nothing will. So I…I'm letting you go. I don't want you to worry that I will ever forget you, or that I will stop loving you. Because I know now that letting go of the guilt, letting go of my grief doesn't mean letting go the memories, or giving up the place you will always, _always_ hold in my heart. I can let all that heavy stuff dragging me down go and still have you close to me. I hope you're happy. And I hope you know how much Mommy and Daddy will always love you."

Derek felt tears prick his eyes as he listened to her final words to their daughter. The pain, so evident in her the past little while, had bubbled up into a heart-wrenching, yet hopefully cleansing, goodbye. He blinked back the tears her words had caused and took a deep breath. He watched as Meredith slowly got to her feet, pushing herself up from the ground. She pressed her fingers to her lips, kissed them and then placed them gently on the headstone. A lone tear made its way down her cheek before she dashed it away. That task done, she turned away and made her way carefully to where Derek stood. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and reached out to her. Meredith smiled and placed her hand in his, lacing her fingers through his, before speaking softly.

"Let's go home."

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**_Author's Note: I know this chapter is a lot shorter than usual, but it made sense to stop there. Hope you enjoy, thanks for the reviews, and thanks for reading. _**


	15. Chapter 15

Meredith pulled the freshly dried clothes from the dryer, running her hand around the inside and blindly searched for any missed items. Satisfied that she had retrieved them all, she picked up the laundry basket hoisting it against her hip and carried it into the kitchen. She set the full basket down on the table and began pulling items out, folding them and stacking them in neat piles all around her. Shirts, socks, boxers, panties, towels, face cloths, bras, pants and t-shirts. All folded carefully and set in the relevant piles. She reached into the basket again and pulled out the next piece of laundry.

She froze.

There, lying so soft and still in her hand was a tiny pink sock. A sad smile crossed Meredith's face as she pulled a chair out from the table and sat down, still clutching the teeny sock in her hand. A sock that had obviously been sitting in the dryer for well over a month, just lying there waiting to be found. How could something so small, something so seemingly insignificant make her feel this way? How could something so pathetic make her want to cry? She took a deep breath and ran the soft material through her fingers. This sock held memories…so many memories. Memories of every time she had had to get her daughter dressed, memories of how she felt the first time she had dressed her, worried about hurting the seemingly fragile little baby. She remembered the first time she had discovered the need to pull faces at her baby while she was getting her dressed to keep her distracted. She remembered her first bath, the first time she crawled, the moment she took her first step. Moments. So many moments held in one little piece of clothing. And yet, for the first time in a long time, she felt at peace. Remembering didn't burn the same way it had done before. It didn't make her want to curl up in a ball until it stopped hurting, until her life went back to the way it was. She closed her eyes and let the memories take hold.

_She sat on the floor, leaning back against Derek's legs as he sat on the couch reading a book while playing softly with her hair. Rebecca was crawling around the floor, dragging Barney along behind her. Meredith closed her eyes for a moment, relaxing fully against Derek's legs as he ran his spare hand through her hair. She felt something brush her leg and looked up in time to see Becca pulling herself up from the floor, bracing her hand against the coffee table as she pulled her little body into a standing position, clutching the table for support. Meredith smiled as she watched her daughter stand without the support of the table, something she had been doing for a while now. But this time was different. This time, her little feet moved across the floor as she took her first step, moving away from the coffee table. Meredith's mouth dropped open in surprise._

"_Derek! Derek, look!" Meredith exclaimed, tapping him on the leg to get his attention._

"_Hmm?" He asked, staring down at her over top of his novel. He followed her gaze and a huge grin crossed his face. "Oh my god…did she do that herself?"_

"_Yeah. She pulled herself up. And then she walked. She walked! She's standing up _and_ walking!" Meredith said excitedly._

"_I can see that." Derek laughed, dropping his book onto the couch beside him._

"_Hey Becca! Did you do that all by yourself? You're so clever!" He cooed. "Well, at least we know you take after Daddy, huh?"_

_Meredith gave a little giggle and pushed herself away from Derek, scooting herself across the floor until she sat just a few steps away from the table. She held out her hands and waited to see whether her baby would make it to her._

"_Becca, come to Mommy. Can you walk to Mommy?" She encouraged. "You can do it. Come see me!"_

_Rebecca grinned and stuffed her fist in her mouth, gurgling as she contemplated her mother's outstretched arms. She took a cautious step, moving slowly towards Meredith. She was only a few steps away when she fell down, landing on her backside. She gave an excited giggle, clapping her hands, her eyes shining brightly._

_Meredith reached forward and stood her daughter back up again before scooting back against Derek once more, leaving Rebecca standing in the room a few feet away from her._

"_Come on, sweetie. Walk to Mommy and Daddy. It's only a few steps. Come on!" She encouraged once more._

_Derek held his breath as he watched his daughter wobble the last few steps before she collapsed against her mother, Meredith's arms hugging the little girl to her chest. Meredith turned to grin excitedly up at him and he slid down onto the floor, reaching over and stroking Becca's cheek. Meredith gave her a solid kiss on the cheek, her eyes beaming with pride._

"_She's growing up so fast." Derek said quietly._

"_I know." Meredith replied. "I can't believe how fast she's growing. She'll be off to college before we know it."_

Meredith opened her eyes and glanced back down at the sock clutched tightly in her hand before she sighed and placed it on top of her own pile of clothes. College. Becca wouldn't be going to college, she wouldn't be getting married or having a family of her own one day. She wouldn't grow up. Her life had ended far too soon. Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat. There was so much still to do. The nursery needed clearing out. She still hadn't done it; she hadn't been able to face it. It was final. Cleaning out the nursery was final. But it needed to be done. For practical reasons, if nothing else. But Meredith refused to make a decision like that without Derek, and he wouldn't be home for a while. He had driven them back home after they had been to the grave, and then he had been called into the hospital for a quick consult. But she would broach the subject when he got home. They could do it…together. Her chores for the day completed, Meredith walked over to the sink and switched on the kettle, boiling the water necessary for a cup of coffee.

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Meredith had just sat down on the couch, a cup of coffee resting securely between her hands, when the door burst open. She glanced up in shock as a tiny figure stormed through, shutting the door with a bang. The front door slammed against the wall, the glass rattling in its frame.

"Okay, when I send you a text that asks you to meet me at Joe's, the polite thing to do would be to freaking meet me at Joe's! I got plastered waiting for you, so I came home with a hangover and it is your fault!" Cristina yelled, pressing one hand to her head as she collapsed in the armchair across from Meredith.

"Hello Cristina, good morning to you too. I'm fine, thanks for asking." Meredith said dryly, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Whatever. Where the hell were you?" Cristina shot back, glaring at her.

"I was at home." Meredith answered, "But I…"

"Home? You were at home? I had to threaten to kick some guy in the crotch because he wouldn't leave me alone, kept saying something about me being stood up, and you were at home?!" Cristina ranted, still holding onto her head and grimacing as the incessant pounding began again.

"Yes, but I never got a text message, Cristina." Meredith replied.

"Well, have you checked your phone?" Cristina drawled out.

"Well, no, I haven't. Not since yesterday." Meredith admitted.

"So…" Cristina trailed off.

"So…?" Meredith replied, a questioning tone in her voice.

"Well, go check your phone!" Cristina bellowed, frowning as the loud noise reverberated inside her sore head.

"Okay, but what's the point?" Meredith asked as she walked into the kitchen searching for her handbag, calling out from the kitchen. "I mean, you wanted to meet last night, and that's been and gone."

"Meet me at Joe's. I'm off at 6pm." Meredith read, scrolling through the message. "What, that's it? Cristina, I never responded. Why would you wait for me if I didn't even respond?"

Cristina was silent as she stared across the room, desperately trying to convey something with her eyes, obviously not wanting to talk about whatever it was that had her in such a foul mood. She widened her eyes, her desperation evident in every breath she took. The silence spoke volumes. Whatever had happened, Cristina was pissed. And not from alcohol…she was furious. To the casual bystander, Cristina might look merely annoyed. To Meredith, Cristina looked mad as hell, the steam nearly streaming from her ears.

"Cristina?" Meredith pressed, sitting back down on the couch and setting the cell phone down on the coffee table.

Cristina sighed and wiggled in the chair, an uncomfortable look crossing her face. She tugged her fingers through her mass of wild, dark curls, jerking her fingers through to the end of her hair.

"I was hiding." She admitted. "And I was hoping that you would get my message and come anyway."

"Okay. I'm sorry I didn't get it. Things were crazy last night. And then Derek and I fought this morning…well, sort of, and then I had to go and …and it was…anyway, I'm sorry. What were you hiding from?" Meredith finished her ramble with today's pressing question.

In the short silence that followed, Meredith mentally went through all possibilities that would lead to Cristina hiding out at Joe's, drinking enough to give her the mother of all hangovers. There was no one at Seattle Grace who would send Cristina into hiding. Well, with the exception of Bailey, who was perhaps the one person who could scare Cristina. Bailey might be little, but she would take on anyone who got in her way. But Bailey was never deliberately cruel. And even Bailey couldn't send Cristina into _hiding_. Burke was another option, but he loved her. Surely he wouldn't attempt to back Cristina into a situation where hiding was the only solution. Unless Cristina had made a mistake at work, like popping a glove or cutting an LVAD wire. Except Cristina didn't make mistakes. She didn't fail things. So, why was she hiding?

The answer wasn't long in coming.

"Mama."

"Mama? Who's….oh! Crap! Mama's here?" Meredith exclaimed.

"Yeah, _Mama's_ here. In all her 'my-son's-engaged-to-a-selfish-racist-stripper' glory." Cristina muttered.

"What? She can't still think that, Cristina. You are engaged now, I'm sure she will move past it. I mean, if Derek's mom could get over the fact that I'm the slutty intern who ruined her son's marriage, Burke's mom can get past the fact that you are a racist stripper." Meredith grinned, doing her best to diffuse the situation, even if only by a miniscule amount.

"She asked me if I intended to wear clothes to my wedding, or if I thought a slip and panties would work." Cristina informed her, annoyance dripping from every word.

Meredith laughed, before stifling it behind her hand at Cristina's glare. "I'm sorry, but it's a fair question," she protested.

"How is that a fair question?" Cristina demanded, now scowling intensely. "When have I ever turned up at the hospital without my scrubs?"

"Cristina, I was just joking." Meredith soothed.

"Yeah, well, don't. My sense of humor is gone. She's dried it up." Cristina muttered. "It's like living in the freaking Sahara now!"

"Why is she even here?" Meredith asked, slightly confused.

Cristina shifted in her seat, fury pouring from her as she was once again reminded of the position she was now in. She fiddled with the armrest of the chair, her fingers clenching and unclenching as she strove for some semblance of control. Meredith watched her friend's movements, concern casting a shadow over her features.

"Oh, that's the best part. Apparently Burke thought I was joking when I said that I wanted it to be just us at City Hall. Us being you, me, Burke and Shepherd. You were invited." Cristina informed her.

"Thank you." Meredith said dryly.

"Yeah, well whatever. It doesn't matter now. He thought I was joking, and that his _Mama_ could help plan…wait for it…the wedding! The freaking 3-course meal, sit down, wearing a poofy white dress with poofy bridesmaid's, full-blown wedding!" Cristina ranted, her face twisted in disgust.

"Oh, Cristina…." Meredith trailed off. "Maybe it won't be so bad. I mean, I had a biggish wedding, and it was fine. I loved it."

"Yeah, but you didn't have the soon to be mother-in-law from hell! And to make things worse, he invited my mother. He rang her up and invited her…the woman who paints her living room every year to keep up with the latest style!"

"Okay, don't panic. It will be fine." Meredith said cautiously.

It was a lie. A huge lie. The biggest lie. But lying was appropriate now. Lying meant a calmer Cristina than if she told her the truth. Because the truth was, it wasn't okay. It had all the makings of a disaster. Cristina had gone round one with the Mama's, and by the sounds of things she had lost. If any situation needed diffusing with a lie, it was this one. So Meredith lied. She needed to lie if she had any hope of helping her friend.

"Meredith! You've met my mother!" Cristina shouted.

"Okay. We can fix this. We can. We just have to…um…." Meredith began again.

"Shoot them both." Cristina interrupted. "Problem solved."

Meredith laughed. "I'm not helping you shoot anyone."

"Why? I'd do it for you. I'd even help you drag the corpse across the floor to hide the evidence." Cristina interjected.

"Just talk to Burke. Tell him you don't want a big wedding." Meredith advised ignoring the way Cristina's words stabbed a little at her heart.

"We aren't speaking at the moment." Cristina informed her, a small, satisfied smile twisting her face.

"Why? What did you do?" Meredith asked warily.

"I may have done the naked walk from the bedroom to the kitchen while _Mama_ was making breakfast."

"Oh, and that was going to help with her whole 'racist stripper' argument!" Meredith laughed.

"Hey, why not make at least half of it true. Live and let live and all that crap."

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't meet you last night." Meredith replied.

"Yeah, well whatever. It's done now. I actually had a question to ask you, anyway. It was sort of the reason I invited you, so…" Cristina mumbled.

Meredith had never heard Cristina so unsure of herself, her posture one of defiance as if she expected the answer to whatever she wanted to ask to be no. Meredith felt the beginnings of panic rising to the surface. If Cristina was asking something, something she didn't seem to want to ask, then Meredith was nervous. Cristina didn't get nervous. She was never unsure. She was never this hesitant, this insecure.

"Okay. What?" Meredith asked slowly.

"I need you to be my maid of honor." Cristina blurted out.

Meredith's mouth fell open. Sure, Cristina had been her maid of honor but she honestly hadn't expected the offer to be reciprocated. Mainly because she had been so sure that Cristina would never agree to get married, never mind find herself roped into a 'proper' wedding. But now…Cristina was asking her to be her maid of honor. She was asking for her support on arguably one of the most important days of her life. Meredith felt a strange warmth flutter in her chest. Cristina wanted her as her maid of honor. Sure, they were best friends. But this seemed to confirm it, to make their relationship mean that little bit more. Meredith felt the tears prick her eyes but hurriedly blinked them back. Bursting into tears was definitely not going to help Cristina's little freak out moment. And Meredith had all the drama she could cope with right now.

Meredith's long silence worried Cristina. She was now officially freaking out. If she had to do it, she was doing it with someone sane standing next to her, and Burke didn't qualify at the moment. What with his tiny cakes and 'aisle' music, she was freaking out. She needed this and Meredith was looking at her with her mouth open, which was clearly not helping her.

"Okay, I didn't want to bring this up, but I did it for you. I marched down the aisle at your wedding. I carried the pretty flowers, I wore the damn dress. Hell, I went to the bachelorette party and made you a toilet paper wedding dress. You owe me this." Cristina ranted.

Her words sent Meredith spiraling back into the past to one of the days she would remember forever. To the day she officially cemented her rather rocky relationship with Derek. The day she had promised to be his forever.

_The dress was Meredith's and Meredith's alone. The dress wasn't exactly chosen ...it was designed. Designed by two former college roommates of Nancy's who as partners in the House of Marchesa dressed some of the most beautiful women in the world. Their vintage-inspired designs were a line of gowns of unmentionable cost that made them celebrity and socialite favorites. Shortly after learning of their engagement, Nancy had come for a weekend visit to see Derek and Meredith. She came with one request. That she be able to do this for Meredith, something for her wedding day...to be allowed to have her good friends design the wedding gown of Meredith's dreams. It was a peace offering, an olive branch and a gift to her brother's bride-to-be. __Having Nancy as a bridesmaid was a big step for Meredith. After their disastrous first meeting, Meredith had dreaded meeting Nancy again. But, surprisingly, she was now the sister-in-law that she got on the best with. It was a big step for Meredith to ask Nancy to be a bridesmaid, but Nancy had been more than happy to do it, determined to prove to her brother that she supported his choice of bride, while Meredith wanted to show Derek that she accepted his family. __After meeting once with Nancy's friends, Georgina and Keren, to access Meredith's needs for her gown and the bridal parties' dresses, the entire process was then done entirely by email and fax. Meredith would give her input and approve the progress, sending back any changes she thought might be made. To say Derek was amused at the change in his fiancé would be an understatement. The amount of effort she suddenly seemed to want to put into her day was so out of character for her. Despite her protest that she was happy with whatever he wanted, she was specific about her dress._

_To say the dress was simple would not do it justice. Simple, but extremely elegant. Meredith hadn't wanted the traditional 'marshmallow' look, but instead had gone for a much simpler approach. The dress she had chosen was champagne in color, the hue complimenting the soft glow of her skin. The dress was long, the length just grazing the floor. The tonal iridescent lace overlay was a vintage Italian silk. The spaghetti strapped v-neckline accentuated the swell of her breasts in a way that was feminine without being over the top. The tiny beads stitched into the silken fabric at the straps and neckline shimmered in the light, glistening whenever she moved. The gown was cinched into an empire waist before spilling gently down her hips. It was simple and unpretentious, not overpowering but adorned to showcase Meredith's elegance. And the effect was stunning. Her long blonde hair was pulled up in a mass of curls, with soft wisps the same champagne color framing her face, emphasizing her delicate features. It was truly a timeless gown that would instantly be an extraordinary keepsake._

"_Meredith, honey you look beautiful." Margaret Shepherd gushed as she stepped into the dressing room, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Just lovely."_

_Meredith smiled, turning to look at her reflection in the long mirror. _

"_It's true what they say. No one is more beautiful than a bride on her wedding day." Margaret said softly as she dabbed the corner of her eye with a tissue. "And you are certainly no exception to that rule."_

"_Thank you." Meredith replied, still staring at her reflection in the mirror. Was that her? This was insane, crazy really. Meredith Grey getting married. Dark and twisty Meredith Grey had found happiness for herself. Who would have thought it was possible? She certainly hadn't. Things never went her way, they never worked out the way she wanted them to and yet…the day had arrived. Short of Derek changing his mind, it wouldn't be long before she was Mrs Meredith Shepherd. She glanced down at her dress, fiddling with the soft folds of her skirt. What would Derek think? Would he approve?_

"_He'll be blown away." Margaret whispered softly into her ear, seeming to read Meredith's mind as she placed gentle hands on the young woman's shoulders._

_Meredith turned around in surprise, staring into the kind face looking back at her._

"_Really?" She asked, desperately needing some reassurance._

"_Really." Her mother-in-law to be replied firmly._

_Meredith bit her lip and dragged her gaze back to the mirror, longing for something to fiddle with, something to take away her nerves._

"_You know, Meredith, I wanted to apologize to you before the ceremony." Margaret informed her._

"_For what?" Meredith asked as a puzzled frown creased her forehead._

"_For not realizing sooner just how much my son loves you, and just how much you love him. I should have made the effort to get to know you long before I did. And for that I'm truly sorry. I blamed you for things you had no control over and I shouldn't have. I should have seen the way he looked at you, the way he lights up when your name is mentioned. I should have seen how proud he is to be with you. You two will make a wonderful partnership. The change I see in my son is…well, I see now that he wasn't as happy as I thought he was. But you…you understand each other. You are his other half, the girl he should have been with from the start. You have something special, something not everyone finds. You have what I had with my husband. And I honestly wish you both every happiness in the world." Margaret said sincerely, a small smile gracing her lips as she gazed into Meredith's reflection, taking note of the haze of tears now filling Meredith's eyes. _

"_I…Thank you." Meredith choked out, furiously blinking back tears._

_Margaret gave her a soft smile, a sincere smile that proved she meant what she said. As the two woman stared at each other a new relationship was formed. One based on respect and the beginnings of a friendship._

_As the two women smiled at each other, the door opened again and in walked Izzie, Cristina and Nancy. They were all dressed in the Marchesa gowns Meredith had envisioned. The dress was an empire waist, its bodice gathered and held in place by a velvet blue ribboned cinch. The floor length, indigo blue, silk chiffon skirt ended in a tiered hem. Spaghetti straps held the gathered bodice and served to compliment all the figures of the bridal party. The flowing indigo blue silk chiffon skirt was almost fluid as the friends moved about. Meredith had chosen the color for her wedding that were sentimental to both the groom and bride. The indigo blue gowns contrasted beautifully against the French lavender that Izzie, Cristina and Nancy carried as their bouquets._

"_Oh, you all look wonderful." Margaret said softly, watching as Izzie smiled brightly and Cristina tugged on the side of her dress, while Nancy gave her mother a soft smile._

"_I'm wearing a dress. You owe me for this." Cristina warned Meredith, frowning slightly although her eyes contradicted her tone of voice in the way they sparkled._

"_I appreciate it." Meredith answered quietly, biting her lip and taking a deep breath._

_Margaret gave Meredith one last smile before disappearing back through the door she had entered. Izzie waited for her to leave before confronting Meredith._

"_Mer, are you okay?" Izzie asked watching as Meredith began chewing on her lower lip._

"_I…I…I don't know if I can do this." Meredith admitted, her breath speeding up as she let the panic begin to consume her, balling her hands into tiny fists._

"_What?" Izzie exclaimed. "There's a bunch of people expecting you to get married. You can do this. You can."_

_Cristina observed the exchange, watching as Izzie tried to comfort Meredith but only seemed to make things worse._

"_Iz, that's not helping. Mer, do you want to marry Derek?" Cristina said suddenly, breaking into the conversation._

"_Yes." Meredith replied, her breathing still faster than it should have been._

"_Okay, so you want to marry him, he wants to marry you…what's the problem?" Cristina asked matter-of-factly._

"_I…" Meredith spluttered, not sure how to put her fear into words._

"_Meredith, if it is a case of you worrying that he doesn't love you…there is no need to worry. I've known him all his life and I've never seen him as happy as he is now. Never." Nancy assured her._

"_I…it's not that. I know he loves me, I do, it's just...everything I touch…it falls apart. What if…what if by marrying Derek, I'm running the risk of breaking him, of ruining what we have?" Meredith whispered. "Maybe it's just not worth the risk."_

"_Meredith, that bottom line is…do you love him?" Izzie asked._

"_More than he will ever know." Meredith responded quietly, blinking back the tears._

"_Then that's all there is." Cristina replied. "Everything else…it will all fall into place. If you pull out of this because of what you think might happen…you will be leaving two broken people now. You can do this. You want this, and you deserve this. You both do." Cristina said softly, her tone so unlike her usual self. When it came down to it, Cristina was still her person and she came through with what Meredith needed to hear and remember._

_Izzie looked over at Cristina in astonishment, surprised at the words coming out of her friend's mouth._

_Meredith took a deep breath and faced the mirror once more. She thought back on all the times she had shared with Derek, and of how much she loved him, of how much he loved her and the way he made her feel. She loved him. She wanted to marry him. And maybe, just maybe Cristina was right. Maybe this was something she deserved. Maybe dark and twisty Meredith Grey did deserve to find her happiness, to spend the rest of her life with the man she loved. Maybe this was the one thing she could do right._

"_Mer, it's time." Izzie said cautiously. "Do you…are you ready to do this?"_

_Meredith smiled. She reached over and picked up her bouquet, consisting of lavender 'Angel Face' tea roses and French lavender, wrapping her fingers around the base and straightening her shoulders. "Absolutely."_

_Meredith made her way outside, the three bridesmaids following suit. The woman climbed into the waiting limo and settled themselves in, sitting carefully as not to wrinkle their dresses. The limo pulled away from Meredith's house and began the journey out to Derek's land where the wedding was to take place._

_The limo turned the corner, bringing the bridal party into full view of the guests. Meredith could see Derek standing under the pavilion he had made as her wedding gift. It had started out as a small gazebo, but by the time he had finished, it had grown into a pavilion. It looked stunning, the twinkle lights glittering around the pavilion giving the outdoor space the air of the most perfect fairytale. The pavilion was large enough to hold the entire wedding party, and was situated in front of the water, the lights reflecting off the still blue lake. Like her dress, the design for her wedding was simple and yet extremely beautiful. It was a small wedding, with only close friends and family having been invited. The guests turned as the car pulled in and the bridal party climbed out. _

_As Meredith followed in the wake of Cristina, Izzie and Nancy, the crowd of people fell away. There were no more nerves, no more doubts, no more fears. In that moment, the world stopped save for the small steady steps she took that bought her nearer to her goal. She watched as a smile crossed Derek's face before it bloomed, blossoming into a shining beacon of happiness. His eyes shone as he watched her make her way towards him, never taking his eyes off hers even for a moment. Meredith felt her heart flutter with warmth as she got closer and closer to the man she loved beyond anything else in the world, the other half of her heart. She was truly coming home. As she reached the end of the aisle Derek reached out his hand and waiting for her to accept the gesture. Meredith took note of the out-stretched hand. It was steady. Sure. Just like Derek. Her face broke out in a huge smile as she laced her fingers with his and turned to face the front, ready to recite the vows that truly joined their lives together._

"Mer? Meredith!" Cristina called waving her hand in front of her friend's motionless figure.

"Huh?" The words snapping Meredith out of the past and spiraling her straight back to the present.

"Hello? An answer would be good!" Cristina said, her tone full of exasperation

"An answer? An answer to what? You didn't ask a question, you made a statement. How exactly would you like me to respond?" Meredith teased.

"Are you going to make me ask?" Cristina responded, a deep scowl on her face.

Meredith chuckled. "Nope. I won't make you ask. I'd love to do it."

Cristina visibly relaxed, her shoulders losing some of their tension, the lines on her face softening that little bit more. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and leaned back into the chair. The risk had passed. Meredith was going to be her maid of honor. Cristina let out a relieved breath, the threat of having her maid of honor chosen for her now gone. This was one thing she wanted the control over. The control over who stood next to her as she made the vows that changed the rest of her life. This was one less question-needing-an-answer for the mama brigade to hold over her head. They were always asking her to make decisions. Decisions about subjects she had no knowledge of. Did she want to be traditional and have a fruit cake, or had she another choice in mind? Did she want someone to give her away, or did she want to go it alone? Did she want chicken or salmon for the main course? When it came to decisions for the wedding, she had no idea, and any time she had offered her opinions they had been discarded. Apparently wanting steak instead of either chicken or salmon was some kind of wedding faux pas. Burke didn't eat red meat, so she was being selfish. But her person was in. Meredith would stand beside her, offering the support only Meredith could provide. Cristina could breathe again.

"Like there was any doubt. But…thank you." Cristina muttered.

Meredith looked up, surprise evident in her features before replying softly. "Well…you're welcome."

Cristina nodded before searching to change the subject. "So, you and McDreamy had a fight, huh?"

"What?" Meredith asked frowning.

"You said that you fought…sort of. So, what did he do?" Cristina asked.

"Why do you always assume that it is something he's done?" Meredith shot back, her question only serving to delay the inevitable. She nervously twisted her watch around her tiny wrist, flipping it back and forth. This conversation was walking into uncomfortable territory. Cristina would flay her alive when she told her why they had been fighting.

"Because…it usually is. Saves time this way." Cristina grinned.

"Well, this time it wasn't. He got mad at me when I told him I was quitting." Meredith said before grimacing and bracing herself for Cristina's reaction.

Cristina's mouth dropped open like an elevator shooting down ten floors, the shock she felt at Meredith's words written all over her face. Meredith cursed silently. What on earth had possessed her to blurt it out like that? That was one sure fire way of not having Cristina on her side. Why hadn't she thought to tell Cristina and Derek at the same time? They were both going to have the same reaction. They both looked at her with the same 'why don't you stab me a little harder, you missed a few major organs' look on their faces. A look that said she was disappointing them, hurting them. A look she never wanted to see again.

"You're quitting." Cristina said in a flat voice.

"Well, I…" Meredith said quietly.

"Are you crazy?" Cristina choked out. "You can't quit!"

"Actually, I…" Meredith began before an enraged Cristina broke in.

"Why would you quit? That's just…I'd kick your ass if you quit!"

"Cristina, I…" Meredith tried again before she was interrupted once more.

"Is this because of…?" Cristina let the question hang in the air.

"It's because of lots of things, Cristina. But I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought I had made my mind up and now…now I'm back to the beginning. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want to do. And that's scarier than having already made a decision." Meredith replied, desperation creeping into her voice.

"You're serious about this. This is a real possibility? You quitting is a possibility?" Cristina said incredulously.

"Yes, it's a possibility. I just don't know if it's a probability yet. I do know that I'm not ready to go back. Not yet. I just…I can't. Not yet." Meredith said softly.

Cristina was silent for a long moment, letting the words she never thought she would hear sink in. She felt the guilt at decision's she had made continue to gnaw on her stomach. She had gone a long time with the weight of guilt on her conscience and she needed to offload it. She needed to admit what she had done. Cristina felt partially to blame for the conflict her person was now in, she felt partially to blame for the decision Meredith was now having to face. Guilt was an unfamiliar emotion for her. She wasn't used to it and she didn't know how to deal with it. But perhaps it was time that she owned up to what had happened that awful night so many weeks ago.

"Meredith…I…I have to tell you something." Cristina said slowly, guilt shining in her eyes. "I have to tell you what happened, what I did."

"What you did when?" Meredith asked, confusion spreading across her face.

"The night Becca…" Cristina trailed off, the implication of her words hanging heavily in the air.

"Oh." Meredith bit her lip, fighting back the memories of that night.

"Burke came home and everything was fine. As fine as it could be when I still hadn't answered him. I hadn't given him an answer on his proposal yet. And then he came out of the bedroom. I knew he wanted to talk. He had his 'serious' face on. But I never registered that something was wrong. Not until he told me. And I didn't believe him. I couldn't understand why he would say something like that when it couldn't possibly be true." Cristina closed her eyes and replayed the moment she had relived so many times in her mind. The moment she had abandoned the one person who had always been there for her.

"_I just received a phone call from the Chief. Rebecca died in the early hours of this morning." Burke said quietly, tears springing into his eyes._

_Cristina looked at him, her mouth falling open before she gave a little shake of her head._  
"_No." She said firmly, backing away from him. "No!"_

"_Cristina…"he began, before she walked swiftly past him, grabbing the car keys from the hook on the wall and yanking on the apartment door._

"_Where are you going?" He asked urgently._

"_Out." She had replied tightly before stepping out the front door, slamming the door behind her._

_She hurried out to the car, shoving the keys into the ignition and turning the car on in a desperate hurry to go where she needed to be. She drove quickly, navigating her way through the traffic, a determined look on her face. As she had turned into the street she had been aiming for, she slowed the car down, parking on the opposite side of the road. She watched as neighbor after neighbor filed out of their houses, their hands full of flowers and dishes as they made their way across the street. She realized then that it was true. She hadn't fully believed Burke until this very moment. Cristina reached for the door handle, fully intending on going into the house...but something stopped her. She couldn't make herself leave the car and even as she condemned herself for it, she turned the car around and drove away._

"I was so angry. So…confused. I didn't believe him. I didn't. So I grabbed the keys and I drove over to your house." Cristina continued as the memory ended, fighting against the feelings it invoked and losing the battle. She felt the guilt and shame wash over her the way it had done every time she remembered what she had done.

"I drove over and I parked opposite the house. And I saw people…so many people with their arms full of flowers and food. And then…I knew. I knew that it was true, that Burke hadn't lied." Cristina paused for a moment, swallowing hard as a lump started building in her throat. She glanced over at her person to see her sitting on the couch, her feet tucked under her body, her arms folded across her chest in a protective gesture, her eyes brimming with tears as she took in every word.

Cristina took a deep breath and began speaking once more. "I went to open the car door. I did. I meant to get out and to go inside. To see you. I wanted to. But then…I couldn't. I hated myself for it but I turned around and I…I drove away. I went back to my apartment, damning myself for being such a coward. I didn't go in, Meredith. I couldn't. I didn't know what to say to you, how to help you. And because of that I left you. I turned around and I abandoned you even though I knew you needed me. I knew because if it had been me I would have needed you. And you would never have turned away from me. You would never have left me. But _I_ did. I did, and I'm so sorry Meredith."

Meredith sat silently on the couch, tears spilling slowly down her cheeks. She looked over at Cristina, looking into the eyes of her person, watching as tears sprung up in the dark eyes staring at her so intently, full of guilt and apology and self-loathing. Meredith closed her eyes, the movement pushing more moisture down her cheeks, little rivers of despair. She let herself remember what it felt like to try to breathe for her little girl, to beg her to breathe for herself, to try desperately to start the tiny heart beating. She remembered the way her own heart had leapt in her throat as she was shoved away from her baby, helpless in every way as some unknown man worked to get her daughter to breathe. She remembered the way she had wanted to die as she stood by, watching as that very man gave up on her daughter, claiming there was nothing more he could do. She remembered the way time had stood still in that moment. The moment when her baby has been ripped away from her. Memory after memory, feeling on top of feeling flooded her mind and her heart, transporting her back to the worst experience of her life. She remembered the way counting had literally saved her from drowning in sorrow and guilt, counting her only lifeline, the only thing she had to cling to when she refused to turn to Derek. And she remembered her silence, her inability to put into words the way she had felt, unable to put into word or action the way her heart hurt. Oh yes, she remembered the silence; the silence that had been her only companion.

As Meredith slowly opened her eyes Cristina felt a jab to her stomach as she took in the amount of pain present in the sea green depths. Pain Cristina longed to take away. Meredith took a deep breath and ran her hand across her cheek, dashing away the moisture clinging to her soft skin.

"Cristina…I…you don't need to feel like that. I didn't realize you…you shouldn't feel like that. Even if you had come in, even if you had talked to me…it wouldn't have made any difference. Derek…Derek tried and even he couldn't…I was…it was me. I managed to cause more pain than I realized. By pushing him away, I wasn't helping him. I was hurting him. It just took me a while to understand that. I can honestly say I don't remember the neighbors. I don't remember the flowers they bought or the things they said. I don't remember anything but the pain I was in." Meredith said softly, her voice breaking. "You couldn't have helped me then. Nothing you might have said would have made any difference."

Cristina was silent for a moment before responding. "I could have sat with you. I _should_ have sat with you. I tried to make up for it when Derek needed to go out and he didn't want to leave you alone. I tried to get rid of my guilt that way, by being there for you then…but it was too late."

"Cristina, you were more help then than I think you realize. It felt nice to have someone just sit with me, and let me be silent. You didn't try to make me talk or…anything. You just let me be." Meredith reminded her.

"Look, the reason I told you this…I just don't want you to make a decision that will upend your life even more based on something that I did. Or, in this case, didn't do." Cristina said giving a sad smile.

"I know. And I wouldn't. I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, but I think Derek's right. He's right. I think I _would_ regret it. At least, I would regret making a decision like that right now. I'm not going back. Not yet. But I'm not ruling it out anymore." Meredith promised.

"Okay." Cristina responded with a smile. "So, we're good?"

Meredith returned the smile. "Always."

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_**Author's note: Sorry for the delay. I knew it would be a while before I got this written, but I didn't expect it to take that long. So, sorry about that. Thanks for the reviews, and for reading, and a huge thank you and the credit due to Terri for all her help with this chapter. :) **_


	16. Chapter 16

Derek was fastening his trousers, his hair still slightly damp and slicked back from his recent shower, his bare chest exposed when the bedroom door swung open, his wife standing in the doorway. Meredith's eyes were alight with excitement, the smile on her face captivating and ensnaring his senses, making his heart that much lighter. Happiness radiated from her in a way it hadn't done in a long time.

"Derek! Derek, I found it!" Meredith exclaimed, her hand clutched into a fist.

Derek raised his eyebrows and glanced down at his trousers, his hands still on his zipper.

"I wasn't aware I had lost it, but thanks for pointing that out." He drawled, as his mouth twisted into a teasing smirk.

Meredith jaw dropped and her eyes widened in shock as a dull blush spread across her cheeks at his comment. She hadn't expected it, that was for sure! But the teasing glow in his eyes did nothing to stop the flutter of awareness building in her stomach. He still made her heart stop. After three years, he still had the ability to stop her up short. It had been a while since she had let herself feel what she was feeling now.

"I…you…that's not what I meant! I didn't mean…that!" She exclaimed, shock making her stutter.

"That?" Derek asked raising one eyebrow. "_That_? Is that what's it's called, Dr Grey? Where exactly did you go to med school?"

"I…you…Derek, stop it! That's not what I meant and you know it!" She replied to the teasing light in his eyes.

"You should have seen the look on your face!" He burst out laughing.

"I'm sure it was all very amusing," Meredith answered, the blush slowly fading from her cheeks.

"Well, we have been married a while now, Mer. It's not like we've lived like monks. I would think that by now you could call things by their proper names." He stated, winking at her.

"_I_ wasn't talking about it, so I have no need to call anything by their proper names. Why do things always have to come back to you and your stupid boy penis?" She asked firmly, a teasing frown crinkling her forehead.

"And she knows what it's called!" Derek said, laughing again.

Meredith just watched him, her expression one of exasperation as she waited for him to finish laughing at her expense. She secretly enjoyed that he could still made her blush with a simple look or a sly comment. That his teasing still affected her was something she loved. There was a childlike quality about him when he got in one of his moods…a childlike quality that made him Derek, the guy who believed in soul mates and magic and true love. He was the man who taught her how to be happy, how to trust, how to allow herself to fall in love and to become vulnerable to another person. To let people in. This was the man she loved.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I couldn't resist. What did you want to tell me?" He asked, watching as the excited gleam returned to her sea-green eyes.

"Oh! I found them! I spent the whole morning looking for them. I was up early and I decided that I was going to find them, and I did, Derek. I did! I retraced everything I had done before realizing that they were missing. Of course, I never went to Joe's because it's far too early and that is where I discovered they were missing, so they wouldn't have been there. Then I wondered if maybe Alex had somehow managed to slip them off as a joke but it couldn't have been that because he only sat with me _after_ I saw that they were gone, and…" Meredith rambled, the tempo of her words speeding up with each new sentence.

"Sweetheart, take a breath!" Derek laughed, desperately trying to follow her rather adorable morning ramble. "What did you find?"

Meredith's face broke out into a smile as she walked across the room until she was standing in front of him, her fist outstretched. Derek reached out his hand and watched as she opened her fist, dropping the small items into his hand. He looked down and there, nestled safely in the palm of his hand, were her wedding rings. The metal glistened in the sunlight, similar to the light shining in Meredith's eyes. A slow smile spread across his face.

As he looked at the rings lying in his hand, he felt his pulse quicken if only for a second. All seemed right again. The rings would go back where they belonged, an act that would not only help Meredith feel normal again, but something that would help him, too. He had never said anything to her because he knew she was already upset enough as it was, but he hated seeing her bare hand. It seemed so…wrong. Like something had been taken away from him. Something he wanted. Something he needed. He had missed seeing the ultimate proof of her love and trust in him sparkling around her finger. But she had found them. The rings that symbolized his undying love for her were back where they belonged.

"You found them." He stated softly.

"I found them." She replied, her voice triumphant.

"Where were they?" Derek asked, still staring down at the perfectly round rings.

"Well, I remembered that the last time I had them was when I was baking. And I remembered taking them off and putting them on the windowsill. And they were there, hiding behind the salt and pepper shakers. I found them, Derek. I found them." Meredith smiled happily.

Derek picked up the tiny band between his fingers and reached out, grasping hold of her hand. Looking into her eyes he slid her engagement ring onto her finger, never tearing his gaze away from hers. Next he slid the wedding band he'd had made specially to fit her engagement ring onto her finger, contentment swelling up inside him.

Derek leaned in a pressed his lips softly to Meredith's, a tingle racing down his spine at the intimate contact.

"There. Back where they belong." He murmured, clutching her face in his hands. He dropped another soft kiss on her forehead before releasing her and grabbing his shirt off the bed, slipping his arms into the sleeves and buttoning it up. Meredith pushed his hands out of the way, her nimble fingers making short work of the task. Once his oh-so-tempting chest was hidden from her view she smiled sweetly up at him, her hands flat against his chest.

"Thank you." She said softly, glancing at the rings now sparkling on her finger.

"Anytime," he murmured again, reaching up and covering her hands with his own. "I'll put rings on your finger everyday if need be. I'm very territorial."

Meredith smirked at him before pulling her hands out from underneath his and walking over to her dresser. Derek grinned at her and turned towards the bathroom, intent on brushing his teeth. He picked up his toothbrush and the toothpaste, squeezing the minty paste onto his brush. He had just started brushing when he froze. He had forgotten. Completely forgotten what day it was until right at this moment. The day had completely slipped his mind. He wondered if Meredith had remembered, or if she, like him, had forgotten. He had to distract her. He couldn't let her remember. It was cruel, too cruel to expect this day to not pour salt into some very deep wounds. Distract her. He could do that. Distract her for a few hours, at least. He was a surgeon. A brain surgeon. He could distract someone. If only he could think of a way to keep her busy...they had made so much progress. _She_ had made so much progress. He didn't want this day to spiral the love of his life back into a pit of despair. He wouldn't let it, not if he could help it.

"Are you alright?" A voice called from over his shoulder.

Derek glanced into the mirror to see Meredith framed in the doorway, her forehead creased into a concerned frown.

"Yeah. Yes. I'm fine. Sorry, I just…"

"You just what?" She asked as she stepped away from the doorframe and walked into the bathroom, hoisting herself up so she was sitting beside him on the vanity.

"I…nothing. It doesn't matter." He replied before gargling some mouthwash and spitting it into the sink.

"Are you sure? Because you looked worried." She frowned.

"No, I'm fine. It's fine." He said quickly.

"Okay…" Meredith trailed off, looking unconvinced.

"It's fine. So, what's on the agenda for today?" He asked.

"I don't know. I'm just pleased it isn't raining. A solid week of rain. I nearly went insane being locked inside all day." She muttered as she slid off the vanity and hunted around for her toothbrush.

Derek felt his stomach flutter with relief. She had just dropped the answer to his problem straight in his lap without even realizing it. The rain. Of course. They hadn't been able to do anything for a week. Getting her away from the house for a while was his main aim, and now he could do it with very little effort. Without it being obvious. All he needed was to devise a plan.

"Put some shoes on when you're done in here. We're going for a walk." Derek informed her.

"Seriously?" She mumbled around a mouthful of mint bubbles.

"Seriously." He grinned. "Come on, we haven't been outside for ages. I need the fresh air. I want to get out of this house."

"BupIdonnaexperise" she mumbled again, scrubbing the brush against her teeth.

"What?" He laugh, perplexed. "I have absolutely no idea what you just said."

She shot him an exasperated look before spitting into the sink.

"I said, 'but I don't exercise.'" Meredith told him before rinsing out her mouth.

"It's not exercise. It's a leisurely walk. With me. How could you say no to that?" He smirked.

"Quite easily." She giggled. "Hair or no hair."

"You know, you are a lot of work." Derek sighed though his eyes glinted with a teasing light.

"Oh yes. I'm such high maintenance." Meredith laughed.

"Hmm…that you are. But I like maintaining you." Derek beamed, realizing he meant every word.

"And on that note, I'll go find some shoes!" Meredith replied, grinning at him as she brushed past him on the way out of the bathroom.

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It really was the perfect day, the sun shining for the first time in a week. The leaves of the trees, vibrant hues of green, shook gently as the morning breeze blew past them. Seattle had awoken to the perfect morning and it was out to make the most of it. The baby blue sky would brighten up even the most depressed person's day, casting a brilliant sheen on the faces of the passersby's. It would seem that other's had also chosen to enjoy the rare sunshine as the couple made way for the joggers, dog walkers and women pushing strollers.

"So, where exactly are we going?" Meredith asked as they strolled together up the street.

"I don't know. It's just a walk, Mer. It doesn't have to lead anywhere." Derek replied, smiling down at her.

"Uh, that's not exactly true. If we are just walking, we could end up…well, basically anywhere. You always have to have a destination." Meredith pointed out.

"Why? The fun is in the journey. The destination comes right at the end. It's the stuff leading up to it that makes life interesting." Derek responded. "It's the adventure of it all."

"But what's the point of the journey if you don't know where it will lead you?" Meredith argued.

"What's the point of the destination if the journey wasn't worthwhile?" Derek countered.

"So you think there is a reason for everything, then?" Meredith asked, sidestepping a crack in the sidewalk.

"I'd say there is a reason for everything, yes, or at least most things. Just because we can't find the reason doesn't mean there isn't one." He replied.

Meredith nodded before falling silent. All she wanted in life was some hope. Hope that everything will be okay, some freaking hope that things would work out. And Derek had just unknowingly given it to her. There was a reason for everything. Just because she couldn't find a reason for why her life was the way it was didn't mean there wasn't one. She might never know the reason but that didn't mean it wasn't there. That thought comforted her, gave her back the hope that had been missing for so long, it gave her back the faith that things happened for a reason that had died with her daughter. Life sucked sometimes. Life was life. Things happen and you move on. It takes a while, but it happens. Eventually it stops hurting so much. There are good days and bad day, some worse than others. But eventually the good days would out-number the bad days. She just had to hold on to hope. She may have lost her daughter, she may have known that ultimate loss…but she still had Derek. She hadn't lost Derek. Her glass was still half-full. She had that ever important silver lining. She had so much to be thankful for and it was time she appreciated what she had. It was time she focused on the things that were left, rather than the things that were taken away.

Derek sensed that something had shifted within Meredith. Something subtle, maybe, but the shift was there. It was definitely there. And he instinctively knew that the shift was a good one. Whatever had just happened had been a good thing. He smiled. It was a good thing.

"Meredith?" He asked suddenly.

"You want to go back to work, don't you?" She said by way of an answer.

Derek's mouth dropped open. "Yes. I…how did you know that?"

"I've known for a while now. I've been waiting for you to bring it up. It's been three weeks since we talked about me going back. I know you miss it, Derek. You wouldn't be you if you didn't."

"I do miss it. And I want to talk to the Chief about coming back, see what he says." Derek said quietly. "But I will only do that if you want me to. If you want me to take some more time off, I will, Mer. It's up to you."

"It can't be up to me, Derek. I appreciate the thought, but it's your life." She smiled.

"You are my life. You're my other half. I won't do it if it's not okay with you." He insisted.

"Talk to the Chief, then. You don't need my permission, but if it's going to make you happy, and you think you are ready, then talk to the Chief." She replied softly.

"You miss it too, don't you?" Derek asked her, watching intently as a wishful smile crossed her face.

"Yes. I miss it." She answered.

"Okay." He said simply, having learned over the years when to push things, and when to let them go. She was stubborn. If he pushed too hard she withdrew. She shut herself off and pushed him away. She admitted to missing the hospital. That was enough for now.

"Derek, look!" Meredith remarked suddenly, hurrying forward to the cause of her outburst.

Derek laughed at her childlike excitement and followed after her. Meredith crouched down, kneeling on the concrete in front of the puppy that had caught her attention, his owner watching on with a smile on his face.

"Oh, you're so cute!" She said, laughing as the puppy strained against his lead, pushing his front paws against her knees and stretching up to lick her face.

"What breed is it?" Derek asked, crouching down beside Meredith to scratch the puppy behind the ears.

"He's a golden retriever." The man replied, smiling down at the golden-haired woman's enthusiasm over his pride and joy. "He's five months old."

"Well, he's adorable. What's his name?" Meredith asked, still playing with the squirming puppy.

"Peaches." The man said, smiling proudly. "His name is Peaches."

"Oh!" Meredith coughed. "Well, that's…hi...Peaches."

Derek stood up, grinning at the look on her face and rubbed his hand over his chin to disguise his smile.

Meredith gave Peaches one last pat before she accepted Derek's hand as he pulled her to her feet.

The man tugged gently on the dog's leash, the puppy obediently following after his owner.

Once the man was a safe distance away, Derek began laughing, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Peaches?! Who calls a puppy Peaches?" Derek continued laughing while gasping for air.

"I know!" Meredith replied, giggling. "That dog was a _boy_!"

"That's one way to neuter a dog…probably the cheaper option." Derek joked. "Poor thing has _got_ to have a complex..."

Meredith just laughed, turning back to watch the man and his puppy disappear into a house further up the street.

"You know, maybe we should get another dog." Derek said suddenly.

"Really?" Meredith asked, twisting her head to look at him.

"Yeah, you love dogs. I love dogs. Why shouldn't we?" Derek asked.

"Okay. But can we not name it Peaches?" She replied, a sly grin on her face.

"Oh, that goes without saying." Derek promised with a grin. "How about Coconut?"

"Yes. Absolutely. That's _so_ much better than Peaches." Meredith laughed.

"We'll think of something." Derek promised, slinging his arm around her shoulder and drawing her closer to him.

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Meredith wiped down the bench and finished loading the dishes into the dishwasher. Derek leaned against the sink and watched her as she worked.

"You could have helped, you know." She remarked, pushing him out of the way as she squeezed past him and tossed the cloth into the laundry.

Derek grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back against him until she was pressed up tightly against his chest.

"I could have. Just like you could have helped me with dinner." He murmured.

"You wouldn't let me!" She protested.

"With good reason!" He reminded her, smiling at her indignation.

"Okay, fine. You win. You got me." She admitted, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"That I do." He murmured before leaning in for a kiss. His lips met hers in the briefest and then he pulled away. Meredith gave a little frown and tugged his head back down to hers, pulling him into a mind-numbing kiss. He didn't let her have the control for long, his tongue sweeping inside to explore the deep contours of her mouth. She matched him stroke for stroke as he kept up his delicious assault on her senses.

Meredith pulled away and ran the tip of her tongue over her now swollen lips. Derek groaned at the sight and dropped one more kiss on her tempting rosebud lips.

"You want to sit out on the swing?" He asked.

"Mmmm." Meredith responded as she placed her hand in his and letting him lead her out of the kitchen.

Derek stopped in the hall and walked into the lounge, grabbing the blanket draped over the edge of the couch. He walked back to Meredith and took her hand once more, leading her outside. He sat down on the swing and opened his arms, watching as Meredith settled herself down beside him before he covered them with the blanket.

"The stars are bright tonight." Meredith commented as she looked up towards the heavens.

"Mmmm. It's like being at the trailer." Derek replied with a sigh. "The fresh, clean air. The bright nights."

Meredith smiled and snuggled that little bit closer, her head lying against his chest as he stroked his fingers through her hair, lavender permeating the air. The swing rocked gently in the breeze, helped along by Derek's steady foot as he pushed against the ground. Meredith closed her eyes and let the gentle rhythm lull her into a sense of contentment and serenity. She wasn't tired, just…peaceful. She felt as though her life had been thrown out of kilter…but she had found her balance again. With Derek's help she had retrieved her rhythm. His gentle prodding had pushed her softly into line with where she used to be. His love and understanding had saved her from having fallen completely. Together they had picked up the pieces of their lives and carried on the best they could.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered softly, almost scared to break the silence.

"Mmmm?" He murmured, still absently stroking her hair.

"Thank you."

"For what?" He asked, his eyes still closed.

"For distracting me today." Meredith said quietly.

Derek's eyes snapped open. "You knew?"

"I knew." She answered, a small smile curving her lips.

"So, you remembered?" He moaned softly.

"I did."

For a long time they were quiet, not a sound breaking the silence. Derek pulled Meredith closer to him, his lips caressing the top of her head before he spoke again.

"Happy Mother's day, Mer."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:** As I'm sure you will all figure out, the patient in this chapter is taken from an episode from season one. I claim no responsibility for that storyline (I have changed the name of the little girl, but the storyline is the same). :-)

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The door swung open, the creak of hinges desperately needing oil permeating the air. Derek stepped inside the room for the first time in what felt like forever. Everything was the same. The same as the last time he has opened that door. It was the same except for one thing. Meredith. The last time he had entered the room Meredith had been slumped on the floor, her tear-stained cheeks glistening in the moonlight as she had finally given in to the feelings she hadn't wanted to acknowledge. Now, however, everything was different. Meredith was tucked up snugly in bed while he gazed around the nursery. The walls were still the same; that pretty shade of yellow, the stenciled walls the work of his hands. Derek ran his finger over the oak dresser, the dust that had gathered over time coating his finger. He rubbed it between his finger and his thumb and gave a deep sigh. Time continued moving, flowing. It persisted on, an unceasing, ebbing tide. Time was relentless, ruthless and cruel. And yet time healed. Time healed all wounds…or at least the majority of them. And those it didn't heal completely, it at least dulled the pain. Or so he had been told.

He walked over to the window and opened the curtains, the early morning light streaming in through the glass. He turned and surveyed the room, casting his eyes from the dresser to the crib to the rocking chair and back again. The room looked the same as it had when Rebecca had occupied it. Neither he nor Meredith had changed anything. It had just been left as it was, almost as if the room was awaiting the little girl's return. They would have to clear it out. It was long overdue. His gaze fell on the purple photo album peeking from under a pile of books sitting on the dresser. He walk back over, picked it up and settled himself in the rocking chair, the album on his lap. He stared down at it. 'My First Album' was written across the top. He opened the album, the message on the inside cover catching his attention. _To my darling granddaughter. Welcome to the world! Love Grandma._ Derek carefully turned the first page and gazed at the photo taken only hours after Rebecca was born. His daughter lay cuddled against Meredith's chest, swaddled safely in a pale pink blanket. The light caught Meredith's expression perfectly – one of utter amazement. Derek felt his mouth twist into something between a grimace and a smile. He turned the pages as photo after photo was laid out before him. Becca with Mark, Becca with Cristina, Becca with Richard…all memories captured on film, forever bound within the pages of the album. Her first bath. Her first haircut. Her first tooth. It was all there. Every single moment was there. He kept turning as his daughter's life was spread out before him.

He stopped.

There was the heading, 'My Second Birthday.' The page was blank.

He turned another one. 'My Third Birthday.' There was no photo, nothing to break up the whiteness of the paper. There was nothing at all.

Derek took a deep breath and kept turning. As each 'year' went by, so the blankness continued. His heart clenched inside his chest as it hit home once again that the firsts were all over. There would be no more. Not for his little girl. He shook away the feeling creeping up on him and flicked back to the beginning of the book, running his finger down the photo depicting his family - Rebecca in the crook of his elbow, with Meredith leaning into his side. Now this was a photo he could smile at. Their expressions said it all. They were happy.

"I have some more photos to put in there."

Derek glanced up and saw Meredith framed in the doorway, her hair mussed from sleep. She was frowning ever so slightly, a concerned look in her eyes.

"Oh." It was all he could think of to say. He felt like a naughty school boy, caught throwing spit balls at the teacher.

"From her birthday. I have them developed, I just haven't got around to putting them in the album yet." She murmured, entering the room.

He moved the album out of the way and opened his arms, waiting until she had settled herself onto his lap before engulfing her in his arms.

"Mmmm" He murmured, breathing in the scent of her. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did. Very well. Derek, what are you doing in here?" She asked quietly.

"I'm sorry. I just…I don't know…I wanted to…I'm sorry." He answered, sighing into her hair.

"Why are you apologizing? I'm only asking because you look…awful. Are you alright?" Meredith asked softly, slipping her arms around his neck.

"Yeah, I'm…yeah. I'm fine." Derek replied, leaning in towards her and dropping a soft kiss on her lips.

"Derek…" Meredith began cautiously before he interrupted her.

"What are you wearing?" Derek asked as a smile creased his lips.

"What? It's a t-shirt. Derek…"

"No, it isn't just any t-shirt. It's _my_ t-shirt!" Derek replied, cutting her off again.

Meredith smiled slightly and sank deeper into his arms. He obviously wasn't going to talk about whatever was bothering him. And maybe he really was fine. Perhaps she had misread what she had thought she had seen on his face. It had only been there for a split second and then it was gone. If there was something bothering him he came out with it. And he always told her when something was wrong. At least he used to. Maybe it was the room. She hadn't been in it in so long but it had always been imprinted in her memory. This room, they way it was at the moment, had the power to make them both feel a little…off. It hurt less to know that they could sit in there together, that is was something they could tackle with the other by their side.

"Yes, it is your t-shirt." She replied, burying her face in his chest and letting him have his way.

"Have we, or have we not, discussed this already?" Derek murmured, trailing his hand up and down the curve of her spine.

Meredith gave a soft laugh. "Yes, we have discussed it. But you gave in."

"I always give in." He groaned.

"You told me to try not to wear it out as fast as the last one." Meredith reminded him.

"I remember, but you haven't worn it in months."

"I know." She said quietly.

"Mer?" Derek asked.

"Mmm hmm?"

"I actually like you wearing my t-shirt." He admitted, pulling her closer to him.

Meredith smiled but kept quiet, content to listen to him breathe. They sat in silence for a moment, Derek gently rocking the chair with his foot, back and forth, back and forth.

"As much as I would love to stay like this, I have to go to work." He groaned, his words breaking the comfortable silence.

"Yes, you do." She murmured tilting her head back and running her tongue across her lips.

Derek smiled and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her deeply before moving her off his lap. She stood up and helped him to his feet. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and kissed her once more before disappearing out of the room.

As the front door slammed Meredith heard the phone begin to ring. She gave the room one last glance before gently closing the door and running towards their bedroom. She answered it on the sixth ring.

"Hello?" She answered, panting ever so slightly.

"Meredith! Oh, it's good to hear your voice. How are you, sweetheart?"

"Margaret?" Meredith asked into the receiver.

A soft laugh came down the phone. "Oh, sorry dear. Yes, it is."

"Well it's good to hear your voice too. I'm good. How are you?" Meredith asked, her tone warm.

"Oh, I'm wonderful. I've missed talking to you, though, I really have."

"I know. I'm sorry. Things…they were crazy for a while." Meredith admitted.

"And now they aren't so crazy?" Margaret prodded.

"Things are…better."

"I'm pleased to hear it."

"I've been meaning to call you. I wanted to say thank you." Meredith said quietly.

"Oh? For what?"

"For everything you did for me. For Derek. You didn't have to do what you did and I…I appreciated it. And I never got the chance to tell you that, so I…I wanted to make sure you knew." Meredith replied.

"Oh honey, you're more than welcome. So I take it Derek has already left for work?"

"You just missed him, actually. He left about two minutes ago."

"Oh bother. Well, you can tell him for me then, dear."

"Certainly." Meredith replied.

"Well, I was ringing to tell both of you, so it doesn't really matter that he isn't there."

Meredith laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Alright, was is the big news, then?"

"Nancy had her OBGYN appointment yesterday afternoon. They wanted to know the sex. It's a boy."

Meredith was struck dumb. She heard the words but nothing seemed to penetrate the confusion she felt.

"What? What's a boy? I mean, I know what a boy is, obviously. But…what's a boy?" As soon as the words left her mouth, Meredith registered how ridiculous they sounded.

"The baby." Margaret responded, sounding confused.

"What baby?"

"Meredith, I told Derek over a month ago that Nancy was pregnant." Margaret said quietly.

Meredith sat down suddenly on the side of the bed, the color draining from her face.

"She's…pregnant? She's pregnant and no-one told me?" Meredith stammered.

"Oh Meredith, I'm sorry. I thought you knew. Derek said…" Margaret broke off.

"Derek said what?" Meredith asked slowly.

"He said that he would tell you. I'm sure he said he had told you. I would never have…I'm sorry." Margaret said softly.

"Oh…no! It's fine. It's…really it is. I…I'm fine." Meredith said. "She's…that's…it's great. I just…I…I'm fine. It's fine."

"Meredith. I…"

"Margaret, honestly. I'm fine. I'm…completely fine. I just…why wouldn't he tell me? I should know that. I should…that's something I should…I can't believe he didn't tell me."

"I'm sure he just forgot, dear." Margaret said soothingly.

"Yeah." Meredith said quietly. "I'm sure he did."

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Derek leaned against the nurses' station, his head in his hands. After three weeks back at work he still wasn't used to the pace. He had become used to the lazy days at home with Meredith, days where no-one put their lives in his hands. He was glad to be back. He was. It returned that sense of normalcy to his life. But he missed Meredith. Even before they had taken time off he had seen her everyday at work, whether it was for a quick bite to eat in the cafeteria, or simply joining her in an on-call room. Even when she was on maternity leave she had come and visited him at the hospital. She had been there, within reaching distance. He didn't have to wonder how her day was going. He already knew. But now…now he was left wondering whether she was alright, what she was doing, whether she was lonely.

"Dr Shepherd?" A voice broke through his self-induced stupor.

"Yes." Derek lifted his head and stood up straight, giving the intern in front of him his full attention.

He was enjoying teaching the interns again, the joy on their faces as they discovered new things, the excitement that radiated from them as they were assigned to a surgery they had never seen before reminded him of why he loved his job.

"I have Lucy Hayes' CT results." Dr Lynch informed him, handing the films over.

"Lucy Hayes?" Derek asked, slightly puzzled.

"Yeah, she's the little girl transferring here from Mercy West. The one with the foot that keeps seizing? These are her CT results."

Derek took them from his intern and held them up to the light.

"How old are these?" He asked, frowning slightly.

"Uh, they are three months old, sir."

"I need new ones. Her brain could look dramatically different today. I need to see what's happening with her now, not what was happening three months ago." Derek informed his intern, handing the now useless scans back to him.

"Ok, I'll order them, sir."

"Dr Lynch!"

"Yes, sir?"

"That, right there! Please refrain from calling me 'sir.' It makes me feel about 100 years old."

"Oh. Sorry sir…uh…Dr Shepherd. I can do that."

"Thank you." Derek replied.

Nathan Lynch took the scans his attending offered him and hurried off to fill the latest orders.

Derek shook his head slightly, watching as the intern disappeared around the corner, narrowly dodging the nurse wheeling a pregnant woman down the hallway.

"Were we that incompetent?" A voice called from behind him. "Do you think we looked that inept?"

Derek turned around and rolled his eyes. "He isn't inept, Mark. He's nervous. He's been stuck on your service for the last two weeks carrying and fetching for you."

"Ah yes, he made a good fetcher. One of the best. Although, you know, he's the only intern who ever managed to bring me tea when I specifically asked for coffee."

Derek just stared at Mark and shook his head. "Did you even let him at least _observe_ a surgery?"

"I did more than that. I let him scrub in. He assisted me on a burn graft last week." Mark informed him, raising his eyebrows. "Turns out he isn't completely useless. But back to my original question, were we that pathetic?"

"You were both pathetic." A feminine voice called out.

Mark and Derek watched as Addison walked past, a stack of papers in her hand.

"You were both sickeningly eager to please. Although you, Mark, now you had a habit of hitting on the nurses. You might have had more luck if you hadn't approached them with rectal jelly on your scrubs." Addison smirked.

"You hit on a nurse with rectal jelly on your scrubs?" Derek grinned, turning to stare at Mark.

"Once. That happened once! And I learned a very valuable lesson." Mark said firmly.

"Really?" Addison drawled. "And pray tell, what was that?"

"You never, ever approach a nurse with rectal jelly on your scrubs. It doesn't end well." Mark grinned.

"That's your valuable lesson?" Derek chuckled. "It's a little sad that you didn't already know that…"

"It was a case study. I was testing a theory." Mark responded.

Derek opened his mouth to reply just as his pager beeped. He turned it over and looked at. "I have to take this." He said before turning around and strolling away.

"You didn't have to tell him about the rectal jelly." Mark hissed to Addison, watching as Derek disappeared around the corner.

Addison merely laughed over her shoulder as she followed in the wake of Derek.

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Derek walked into the exam room, his eyes settling on little Lucy Hayes.

"Hi, I'm Dr Shepherd. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Hayes. I believe you were transferred from Mercy West." Derek shook their hands before turning his attention to Lucy.

"Yes. They recommended we bring her in to see you." Mrs. Hayes replied, brushing her hand lightly against her daughter's mop of blonde curls.

"Dr Shepherd…is my daughter going to need surgery?" Mr. Hayes asked.

"I don't know yet. It's a strong possibility." Derek replied, checking the notes for the little girl.

Derek felt his insides clench a little. It was unfair, so unfair. She was only 3 years old and she faced the possibility of a very large operation. He found it hard to separate the little girl sitting on the bed in front of him from the little girl he had buried. Lucy had big brown eyes, and a head full of blonde curls, but she might as well have had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He felt the Chief's words circulate inside his head. _Have you thought about what will happen when you have to operate on a child?_ In the three weeks he had been back the situation had never come up. But now he was faced with the very real possibility of operating on a little girl that reminded him of his own.

"It's just that my wife and I. Dr Shepherd, we both work and I don't know if our insurance…we know that surgery can be very expensive, and we…" Mr. Hayes was saying, anxiety filling his voice.

"I don't want you to worry about that right now. It may not come to that. It may just be…" Derek stopped as Lucy's leg began to twitch.

"It's a focal, left-side seizure. Okay, let's get the diazepam running now, please." He informed the nurse and Dr Lynch, both of whom rushed to follow his orders.

"Diazepam, Iv." The nurse said in her efficient manner.

Derek nodded. "Tourniquet please. Lucy, here's what we're going to do. We're going to put this on your arm, alright?" he said while reaching for the little girls arm. "We're going to put his right there, just like that. Good girl. This will feel a little cold."

The blonde mop of curls moved as Lucy observed as Derek started the IV, her eyes watching him with fascination.

Derek smiled at her. "You see this? This is a butterfly. And the butterfly lands right…..there. Good. Now, a blanket for the butterfly….and we are all done. You were a good girl!"

Lucy's parents watched anxiously as the sporadic twitching slowly died away and the leg became still once more.

Mrs. Hayes let out a sigh of amazement.

"It's incredibly stuff, isn't it?" Derek asked, smiling up at her.

Mrs. Hayes nodded and smiled back before reaching out and grabbing her husband's hand, squeezing it tightly with her own.

Derek turned back to the little girl sitting so quietly and bent down to her level. "Hey Lucy, do you like spaceships?"

She grinned at him and nodded vigorously.

"You do? So do I! I'll tell you what. Will you come with me and my first lieutenant, Captain Lynch, to the spaceship MRI?" He asked animatedly.

Lucy looked up at him with her big brown eyes and nodded, sticking her thumb in her mouth and sucking hard.

"Good girl." Derek murmured.

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"Dr Shepherd, what am I looking at?" Dr Lynch asked as he stared incredulously at the screen.

"Damn it!" Derek swore. "Damn it! Go and get her parents."

As Dr Lynch went to do as he was asked, Derek sank down into his chair, his head in his hands. Any happiness he had had at the beginning of the day was gone now. He was going to have to operate. That adorable little girl needed an operation if she wanted to live. An operation he was going to have to perform. He shook his head, hoping to clear it as he gazed back up at the screen. He didn't know if he could. The Chief had been right. This affected him more than he had realized it would. He couldn't do it. If she died…no, he couldn't do it. He couldn't bare that guilt. Not now. Not on top of everything else. But then again, he was one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. He wasn't being vain, it was simply the truth. And if an operation had been possible for his own daughter he would have demanded the best. These people deserved the best. Lucy deserved the best chance at survival. He couldn't change the outcome of his own daughter, but he could brighten the future for this little girl. Derek sighed. He had to do this. He had to, for the Hayes' as well as for himself.

Derek turned and stood up as Lucy's parents entered the room. He gave them a sympathetic smile as he began to explain to them exactly what was wrong with their daughter.

"It's called Rasmussen's encephalitis. What it amounts to is that the left side of her brain is healthy and working perfectly. But this black part of the brain, all the black stuff you see here...all of that is dead, or dying. The condition has gotten radically worse since her CT scans three months ago. Left untreated, the disease is going to kill her."

He watched the effect his words had on the couple as the tears made their way down their cheeks.

"I don't want you to panic. There is a treatment. I can operate on her. The treatment requires that the diseased portion of her brain be removed and sealed off. You see, eventually the spinal fluid will fill the cavity. I know this is a lot to process, I know it sounds scary…but it is the only option available. She needs this surgery." Derek said softly.

"But…you'd be removing half her brain. That's…that's a lot. How can she…how is that even possible?" Mrs. Hayes asked, wiping away the tears still streaming down her cheeks.

"Lucy's age makes it possible. Her brain is not fully developed so the remaining neurons will compensate for the loss. If this is successful, Lucy could walk out of this hospital in a couple of weeks and go on to live a relatively normal life. I know this is a lot to think about, but the important thing is that this operation gives her a chance. A chance she wouldn't otherwise have." Derek replied, reaching out to squeeze the woman gently on the arm.

"Just…do whatever you have to do to help my little girl." Mr. Hayes said. "Please. Just…do what you can."

Derek felt tears prick his eyes and he nodded. "I promise you. I'll do everything in my power for your daughter."

Derek turned to Dr Lynch and quietly gave him his instructions. "Book an OR for a Hemispherectomy this afternoon. You can scrub in."

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"That was amazing! I've never seen anything like that." Dr Lynch exclaimed as he and Derek scrubbed out. "I mean, I've been in surgeries before but none of them were as incredible as that. Will she be okay?"

"She should be. Barring any further complications she should be fine." Derek murmured, efficiently drying his hands. "You did well in there, Dr Lynch."

"Thank you, sir. Sorry, I mean Dr Shepherd."

Derek nodded and opened the door to the scrub room.

"Dr Shepherd? Should I go and tell the parent's that she will be fine?" Dr Lynch asked.

Derek felt his hands begin to shake and he nodded again, wanting to get as far away from the OR as possible.

"Yes. Yes, go and tell them," he murmured before he closed the door behind him. He walked as swiftly as he could down the hall, looking for an empty on-call room as he felt his self-control begin to fail him. The first one he tried was empty. He entered the room and shut the door, locking it before he leaned against it, pressing his forehead against the cool, smooth surface.

"She's going to be fine. She's going to be fine." He repeated, over and over again as the tears began to fall.

He stumbled his way over to the bed and sat down, his shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs. He had done it. He had removed half the brain of a little girl to ensure her survival. He had accomplished that and yet his own daughter had died from a blood clot. The unfairness of it all weighed him down and he bowed his head as the tears streamed like rain down his cheeks. He sobbed like he had never sobbed before as emotions welled up in him he hadn't known were there. He was angry. So incredibly angry. The injustice of it all burned through his veins like a fire on dry ground. He leapt up from the bed, still crying, and pounded his fist against the wall, the pain radiating through his knuckles somewhat of a release from the anger and resentment he felt.

He had grieved. At least he thought he had. He had cried. When he had visited her grave he had actually sobbed. He had completely broken down. But he hadn't released the anger, the deep burning anger that raged through every part of him. It was building inside him, rolling, moving furiously through him as the sobs tore him apart.

He was panting now, the sobs coming in short, sharp bursts as he slapped his hand again and again against the wall, his heart pounding in his chest. When he was too exhausted to lift his arm even once more he slid down the wall, his body caving in on himself as he became a sobbing, mangled mess. He laid his head in his arms and wept as though his heart was breaking. He wept out all the anger, the frustration, the helplessness that he had been carrying around for months, burdens he didn't know he had. Burdens that kept him stuck in time, unable to move forward yet unwilling to move back.

A long while later, when the tears would no longer fall, Derek pushed himself up off the floor, bracing himself against the wall and closing his eyes for a moment. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home to the one person who understood, the person he loved unconditionally. The one person who could help him. He wanted Meredith.

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**A/N:** Part two of this chapter will NOT take as long as this one did. I faithfully promise! My exams finish on Thursday…so yay! Thanks for the reviews and thanks so much for reading! (Oh, and it may seem like Derek has taken one _giant_ step backwards, but he hasn't! This is good for him...for both of them...honestly. :-) )


	18. Chapter 18

Derek took a deep ragged breath and wiped his eyes, dashing away the moisture staining his cheeks. With a slightly shaking hand he opened the door of the on-call room and stepped out into the hallway, abruptly walking into a very solid object. He quickly mumbled sorry under his breath and made to move past the person blocking his only exit.

"Derek?"

Derek snapped out of his thoughts and stopped pushing, looking up into Mark's eyes.

"Are you alright?" Mark asked, straightening up from his position in the doorway.

"Yeah," Derek croaked, trying once more to push past his friend.

"No you're not. Sit down, Derek."

"Mark, I just want to go home." Derek snapped.

"You can want to go home all you like but you are in no condition to actually get there. What the hell happened?" Mark insisted, pushing Derek back into the room and closing the door. Mark felt his heart skip a beat as he contemplated the situation he now found himself facing. He wasn't good at this. He never knew what to say. He never knew when it was appropriate to talk, or when it was better to just shut up and say nothing. And this was a situation he couldn't screw up. Because his friend was hurting in a way a parent shouldn't hurt. Mark honestly didn't know what to say or what to do. He was the screw-up, the one who always said inappropriate things at inappropriate times. This was out of his area of expertise. Give Derek a pair of breasts and he might be able to salvage the situation, but this…it was way out of his league. But he could try. How much damage could he do to someone already so supremely damaged?

"You realize this looks bad, right?" Derek mumbled before collapsing down onto the bed, the mattress sagging under his weight. "The two of us in here?"

"Derek….what happened?" Mark asked, ignoring Derek's attempt to hide what he was feeling behind a witty comment, and pressed his hand to the back of his neck to stretch his muscles before sitting down on the bed opposite his defeated looking friend.

"My daughter died and my life turned upside down. That's what happened."

"That was months ago." Mark began.

At his words Derek leapt to his feet, an angry glint gleaming in the corner of his eye. The fury that had overcome him before was back in full force, pounding through his veins. He could feel the hot blood rushing to his head as he strove to maintain his dignity. The comment swirled around inside his mind, adding fuel to an already erupting volcano of emotions. Mark was his brother. He was family. Families supported each other. They didn't make comments designed to hurt the other person.

"What, you think that makes it better? That I should have got over it by now?" Derek snarled, his mouth drawing into a straight line. "What the hell kind of a comment was that to make? You know nothing about this. Nothing! I thought you of all people would just let me be!"

"No, I didn't mean that and if you would calm down enough to listen to me and not interrupt me you would know that. You seemed to be fine, Derek. I thought you were fine. I thought you were coping. Clearly letting you be is not helping you." Mark replies quickly, the need to fix the unintentional damage he had caused welling up inside him.

"I _am_ fine and I am coping." Derek replied, running his hands through his hair in frustration as they shook violently while his voice cracked with emotional denial.

"Really? So the wall just really pissed you off? What, it was in the wrong place and refused to move so you thought to beat it into submission?" Mark drawled out. He felt like the biggest piece of crap ever to walk on the planet. Not only had he failed to notice that Derek had been slowly driving himself into an emotionless coma, he had failed to see the anger simmering beneath the calm exterior and he was now being forced to call Derek on his feelings. Things he had every right to feel. But Derek was the closest thing he had to a family and he wasn't ready to give up on him. He could take whatever Derek threw at him if it meant his brother wouldn't slip into an unfamiliar world where uncontrollable anger was the common currency.

"You're a smart-ass," Derek mumbled, slipping back down onto the bed.

"So I've been told." Mark said quietly.

The two men lapsed into silence, not a sound stirring the air between them. Mark was willing to wait as long as it took. The fact that Derek was still in the room and hadn't stormed out after his last comment proved to him that despite what he said, Derek wanted to talk. He wanted someone to listen to him. Mark settled his back against the wall and waited, watching as Derek cupped his face in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. His stance was dejected, weariness seeming to settle upon him as the seconds ticked by.

"So I guess you heard me." Derek murmured into his hands.

"I think everyone heard you." Mark replied staring at the slumped back of the man he had know almost his whole life.

"Great," Derek mumbled. "I guess that means more strange and sympathetic looks in the hallway."

"Derek, I've known you since you were four years old. We made mud pies and played in the sand pit together. You can't fool me and I won't let you try. What happened?" Mark asked by way of a response.

"Nothing happened." Derek responded.

"You've been living with Meredith Grey too long." Mark scoffed.

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about, so back off Mark." Derek jerked out harshly, another wave of the irrational anger bubbling to the surface. "She is none, NONE of your business!"

"Whoa, man, I wasn't insulting her." Mark put his hands up, trying to diffuse a situation that was rapidly growing more and more heated. Strike two on the 'Mark Sloan as helpful friend' scorecard. "You're avoiding the issue, that's all I meant." Mark's soft, regretful tone clearly indicated that he had meant no harm.

"I'm not avoiding, I told you what happened. _Nothing_ happened." Derek retorted, plucking angrily at the crease in his dark blue scrubs.

"I already told you that won't wash with me. You are sitting here looking like that and you want me to believe that nothing happened?" Mark queried, disbelief clouding his words. "For God's sake, give me more credit than that, Derek."

"Nothing did happen! Don't you get it? Nothing happened! She lived." Derek exploded, his frustration reaching boiling point as he turned to face his friend. Mark felt a shock jolt through his body as he took in the now dark, stormy blue eyes, the many varied emotions mixing together to form a deadly look of despair. Sadness, fury, anxiety, frustration….every part of the proverbial emotional rainbow was present and accounted for.

"Who lived?" Mark asked, confusion written in every line on his face.

"My patient. The little girl. She lived." Derek spat out.

"Okay…that's a good thing…right?" Mark inquired slowly, pulling his pager out from where it dug into his hip bone and tossing it beside him on the bed. Derek was talking. Reluctantly for now, but talking all the same. Each word let out a little bit more of the explosive emotions doing their very best to leap back into the bottle. But the cork was out and now the rest just flowed.

"Of course it's a good thing. She lived, Mark. I cut her brain in half and she lived. She actually lived. She gets to go home with her parents. She got a second chance at life. They get to be…be a family…" Derek broke off as he choked back a sob.

Mark felt a heavy sadness settle around his heart as he watched the man he considered a brother struggle to keep his composure. He had known Derek for as long as he could remember. He was an only child and Derek's family had become his family. While his father had worked until all hours of the night and his mother had been getting her nails done, Derek's mother had treated him like a second son. She had mothered him the way a child was meant to be mothered. Derek's father had taken him fishing. He had taught him how to thread the perfect line, how to cast without getting tangled in the bushes, how to drive a car. He had taught him how to be a man. Everything that made him who he was today was a direct result from his relationship with Derek. Derek was his brother in every way that mattered, and in this case, friendship was thicker than blood. They had really gone through the wringer, his affair with Addison nearly shattering forever the bond with Derek that Mark had come to rely on. And then Derek had met Meredith. Slowly but surely the bond had been strengthened. Perhaps Derek's own affair with Meredith had opened Derek's eyes to just how badly someone could mess up when love was involved. And now the man that he loved, the brother he didn't know how to be without…that man was falling apart before his very eyes. Mark moved away from the wall, scooting up the bed until his feet hung over the side once more. He reached out his hand and placed it on Derek's arm, giving a little squeeze.

"I'm sorry, man. You have no idea how sorry I am." Mark whispered, the words feeling like a prayer of forgiveness for a crime he didn't commit.

"I just…I'm so angry, Mark. And I didn't know I was. It just hit me. One minute I was okay and the next…"

Mark sighed. "Yeah, I know."

Derek shook his head. "It's not fair. It's just not fair. She was so small, so tiny. She was only fourteen months old, Mark. And I couldn't save her."

"Derek…" Mark warned sensing where Derek was going, and knowing that that particular road led to nothing but destruction.

"I can cut a brain in half. I can perform a surgery with a high risk of failure but I can't fix something that affects my family. I can send the little girl home with her family…I can do that but I can't keep my own. When it comes to my own family I fail, time after time. Tell me, how is that fair? Where is the justice in that?" Derek laughed contemptuously.

"There isn't justice in that. But you can't blame yourself, Derek. You didn't fail."

"My wife spent weeks in silence. Weeks! She barely said a word. She was numb, Mark, completely numb. This ripped my family apart. I had to stand by and watch the effect it had on those I love. And it wasn't just Meredith. There was my Mom and Richard…people I've known all my life. My sisters. And I'm so…pissed off!" Derek said, his voice getting louder.

"You have every right to be pissed off." Mark said. "Hell, you can rant, vent, scream if it makes things better. But don't sit here and tell me you failed. That's a load of crap and I won't listen to it."

"Do I have my family anymore, Mark? Will I go home and kiss my daughter goodnight? Tell me what that is if it isn't a failure on my part to protect the people I love."

"You've always had the hero complex thing down pat." Mark murmured quietly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek demanded.

"It means that no matter how much you want to believe it, you can't fix everybody. You can't protect the people you love from every bad thing that happens, Derek. It's physically impossible. Life gets in the way. You're human and this hero thing has got to stop. Not everything is your fault. So, no. You won't go home and see your daughter. You'll go home and she won't be there. That isn't failure, Derek, its bad luck. It's _life_. And life sucks a lot of the time. You won't go home and see your daughter. But you will go home and see your wife, Derek. You have Meredith. You have a family."

Derek shook his head, wanting to drown out Mark's voice as the words conflicted with everything he felt.

"Derek, if someone asked you how many kids you have, what would you say?" Mark asked, his tone insistent but laced with care as he strove to drive his point home.

"One," Derek answered automatically. "I'd say I have one."

"Okay. So then where has your family gone, Derek? You still have a daughter. No one can take that from you, not ever. You still have a daughter and you still have a wife who loves you. It's okay to be mad, it's okay to be pissed off. But you can't move on until you deal with the way you feel." Mark replied his breath now mimicking the panting, ragged breathing coming from Derek's mouth as the words he instinctively knew that Derek needed to hear spilled from his lips.

"I didn't know I felt like this." Derek replied, clenching his fists. "I didn't know."

"Well, now you know. And now you have to deal with it." Mark said tiredly.

"I don't know how. I thought I had dealt with it." Derek admitted, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion.

"Yeah, well, apparently not." Mark answered. He would be willing to do anything for Derek. He couldn't count the number of times Derek had helped him in some form or another. But this was something he didn't have the power to fix. The solution to the problem lay with the tiny blonde his best friend had married.

Derek let out a deep sigh and pushed himself up from the bed, the last remnants of his angry bout falling away.

"Thanks Mark."

"No problem. That's what I do. Dates in the on-call rooms." Mark replied.

"I'm not sure that this was what you had in mind when you wandered in this direction. And I really don't think this qualifies as a date." Derek pointed out.

"No, probably not." Mark admitted. "You want to go for a drink?"

"You know what I need, Mark? I need to go home." Derek said softly.

"Sure. Rain check?"

"Yeah." Derek threw a half-smile over his shoulder before disappearing out the door.

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Meredith sat at the kitchen table, swirling a cup of coffee in her hands. Every few seconds she glanced up at the clock, waiting for Derek to get home. As the second hand ticked away she grew more and more agitated. He had lied to her. Okay, so he hadn't lied to her. He had lied to his mother. But he had kept her from the truth. He had once again omitted the truth. As Meredith contemplated once more what she was going to say to her husband the door swung open. She pushed her chair back from the table and stood up, walking out into the hall with her arms crossed over her chest.

Derek tossed his car keys onto the table in the hall and turned around at the sound of soft footprints.

"Meredith." He murmured, a frown forming on his face as he took in her expression.

"What did you think you were doing?" She demanded to know.

Derek looked taken aback at the force of her anger before the weariness of the day took away his last reserve of strength. He could feel himself beginning to droop as the weight of the emotion-filled day crashed down on him.

"Honestly, how could you….Derek, are you alright?" Meredith's expression softened the instant she took in his wilted condition.

In lieu of an answer, Derek walked towards her and swept her up into his arms, molding her to his chest and burying his face in her hair. She melted into his hold, returning the embrace she instinctively knew he needed. Her anger melted away as she recognized the tension in his arms and back, the muscles rigid under her arms. She traced his back with a light touch while her other hand slipped into his hair, pulling him that little bit closer. She heard his soft 'hmm' as she continued soothing him, feeling him relax slightly in her arms.

"Derek?" She murmured, her words muffled against his chest. "Are you…okay?"


	19. Chapter 19

"I just need this, just for a minute. Please Mer." Derek begged softly.

Meredith took a tiny step, pulling her body as close to Derek's as she could. She breathed in his earthy scent, the beat of his heart beating in perfect time with hers. She sighed and snuggled into his chest, for now letting him find what comfort he could within the circle of her arms. So she had been right. Whatever had been bothering him this morning had wormed its way to the surface. Now she just had to wait and let the man she held so lovingly come to the conclusion that he could tell her things and she wouldn't break.

The longer Derek breathed her in, the easier things seemed to become. His world, a world that only hours before had seemed to tip on its axis, now righted itself. As he listened to her soft breathing he felt the calming sensation wash over him like a shower of hot, cleansing water. It didn't seem to matter how crappy he felt, Meredith had a way of making everything better. And he needed that now. He needed her now and true to form she was giving him what he needed without question. He sighed and breathed deeply once more, the scent that was uniquely Meredith wafting in the air around him.

Meredith felt Derek sigh against her body, a sigh loaded with feeling. As she rubbed her palm in gentle circles around his shoulder blades she thought back to the phone call that had rocked her world. She was angry. She was still angry with him. It was something that they needed to discuss, a habit of his that needed to stop…now. And he needed to know that she knew and didn't appreciate it. But now was not the time. It was not the time to rake him over the coals for what he had seemingly been doing for well over a month. Protecting her. She had come to hate that word and what it meant. He couldn't protect her all the time. Because he wasn't protecting her, he was stifling her. And eventually…eventually they had to talk about it.

Derek finally pulled back from Meredith, his arms still loosely hanging around her waist like he couldn't bear to let go of her. She placed her hands on his forearms and squeezed gently, waiting for him to say something. Derek closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and replying to her unspoken question.

"I had a bad day." He said simply, his hands falling away from her waist as he walked into the kitchen.

Meredith followed behind him slowly, watching as he collapsed into on of the chairs surrounding the dining table.

"I know," Meredith replied gently, pulling out a chair opposite him and sitting down.

"How do you know?" Derek asked wearily.

"I know you Derek. I can tell when you've had a bad day. Besides, your eyes are all swollen."

Derek gave a semi-grunt in acknowledgement and dropped his head into his hands.

"I had a bad day." He repeated with a sigh. "A really bad day."

"What happened?" Meredith asked softly.

"I performed a hemispherectomy." He said suddenly, lifting his head out of his arms.

"Ok…"

"On a little girl," he added quietly, carefully watching her face for her reaction.

Meredith's face fell as his words weighed on her heart. She could see the worry reflected in his eyes, worry that she would fall apart. She didn't know whether to be touched or annoyed that he had so little faith in her ability to hold herself together. Because this wasn't about her. This was about him and his feelings, and she felt as if she had finally reached the core of his problem.

"Oh Derek…I…I'm sorry. Did she…?" She let the question hang in the air, not entirely sure whether or not she wanted an answer.

"It went perfectly, a flawless surgery."

"Well that's good, Derek. You did your job. You healed her." Meredith replied, feeling as though she was groping in the dark, never knowing if she was saying the right thing by basically saying nothing and just letting him talk. She didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but it seemed to be working. At least he was talking.

"But I couldn't heal you." He said, his voice so tiny she barely heard him.

"What?" She asked, slightly taken aback. Of all the things she had thought he might say, that had not even entered her head as a possibility.

"I couldn't heal you." He repeated, his voice a little stronger now. "I couldn't heal you and I couldn't heal Becca."

"Derek…no one could heal her. And don't tell me you don't know that because you told me, Derek. You told me that I had done everything I could, that it was just something that happened. Why can't you tell yourself that?" Meredith pleaded.

"Because it is a completely different situation!" Derek insisted. "It's not the same."

"How is it not the same, Derek? We lost our daughter. _Our_ daughter. She died, Derek. It _is_ the same for both of us. The guilt that seems to be plaguing you plagued me…and sometimes it comes back. But you were right that day in her room. It happened. There was nothing anyone could do. And I don't think it is something that we can get over, but it is something that we can cope with. We can, we can do it. We have to learn to accept it and to live with it. We don't have a choice."

"It's not the same, Meredith. You were home. You got the chance to try. I didn't have a chance. I'll never know if I could have saved her like I have saved thousands of people. I'll never know. I have to live with the knowledge that I could have saved her but I wasn't home." Derek said quietly, tears sparkling in his eyes.

Meredith let his words soak in as she watched her husband looking back at her with stark pain shining in his eyes. She knew he had a hero complex…he always had. But for some stupid reason she had never pieced it all together. Of course he would feel like that. But he was wrong if he thought it was better to have had the chance to try and to know you had failed.

"Derek…you didn't fail. You weren't home because you were out saving a woman's life. You weren't out drinking, or something frivolous. You were not home because you were saving a life. You can't feel guilty for that. You couldn't have made a difference even if you were here. You know it and I know it. I knew it when I was working on her that nothing I did would make a difference. It's that feeling you get in surgery…when you know that the patient won't make it but you do everything you can anyway."

"You knew?" Derek asked after a moment.

"I had a feeling." Meredith said quietly. "I just hoped that I was wrong."

"But you weren't."

"No, I wasn't wrong."

"It's not fair, Meredith. It's…it's not fair. Today, after my surgery…I was so angry. I was pissed off. I don't understand how this can happen to us, how I can cut a little girl's brain in half…literally remove half her brain and she survived. She survived while my own daughter…." Derek broke off shaking his head. "I loved being able to help her, to know how relieved her parents would feel, to know that they would not have to feel like I do, at least not yet. I loved that. But at the same time I resented it. And I resented her because she lived. The more I resented her, the more I resented myself for feeling like that."

"Derek…" Meredith breathed as pain laced her words.

"I just don't understand how this happened." Derek finished, giving his head a little shake.

"Neither do I. I don't understand how this happened, or why it happened to us. But I can't analyze it anymore. I can't pick to pieces what I could have done differently. I need to let that part go. And you do too, Derek. Those thoughts…they destroy everything we have accomplished. And you have to let them go. Trust me, if things had been different. If you had been home? You would still feel the same way you do now. The only difference is you would feel guilty for not having done enough, rather than feeling guilty for never having the chance."

Derek sighed again, running his hand through his hair in exhaustion. It had been a long, hard day. And this conversation was draining, but long over-due. He knew she was right. Everything she said made sense. But the execution of her words would be harder than listening to them. But he had to try because he couldn't live his life the way he felt now.

"So, what were you yelling about when I got home?" Derek asked suddenly, the need to change the conversation welling up inside him. He needed time to think about what she had said.

"Oh…that...it…it doesn't matter." She murmured.

"Meredith…" Derek said warningly.

"What?"

"It does matter." Derek said firmly.

"Derek, this is probably not the best time to bring this up. It's…it's really not that important."

"It obviously is to you. Mer, just tell me. I'll go insane waiting for you to yell at me again, otherwise."

"I…okay."

Derek stared across the table at her, waiting for her to speak.

"Why didn't you tell me that Nancy was pregnant?" She blurted out. "Why did I have to hear that from your mother?"

Derek leaned back in his seat, shock flickering over his features.

"You know? Mom rung?"

"Yeah, I know. And yes, your mother rung. Nancy is having a boy, she thought we would want to know. Except I didn't even know she was pregnant. Derek, why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know what to say. I didn't think you would want to know." Derek admitted.

"She was my bridesmaid. She's my sister-in-law…I have to know these things. She's family. I had a right to know. I haven't rung her to say congratulations or anything, Derek. Because I didn't know. You can't keep these things from me."

"I didn't know if you could handle it, Meredith. I had a hard time accepting it when mom told _me_. But she's pregnant….quite frankly that isn't something I have to deal with…I just wait at the other end. But you…that is something very real to you. I didn't know if you could cope with that."

"Derek, I'm coping. I am. I'm dealing with this the best way I know how. I'm going to talk to the Chief about going back…I'm living. Or at least I'm trying. But you have to let me do it. You _have_ to let me try. You can't keep things like that from me. You just…you can't."

"I was trying to protect you." Derek said quietly.

"I know you were. I know you were. I do. I get it. And I love you for it. But Derek, in protecting me, in going out of your way to make sure that I'm okay you've neglected yourself. And you can't do that. You can't."

"I can't tell you things like that."

"Why?"

"What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to rub it in your face that my sister is pregnant? That she's having a baby. That she is getting the very thing we lost. I can't tell you that. I don't know how to tell you that. My own Mother didn't know how to tell me that I was going to be an uncle again. How was I supposed to tell you? I can't risk…" Derek broke off.

"Risk what?" Meredith asked.

"You spent over a month in some sort of trance, Meredith. In your own little world that didn't include me. You shut me out for a long time. You weren't you any more, you turned into someone I didn't know or recognize. I can't risk that happening again. I need you, Meredith. But I need _you_. Not the ghost of you that inhabited your body."

"So that's what you meant by not being able to save me?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah." He murmured quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Derek. I didn't mean for everything to go that way. I…I didn't know how to handle it. It was easier to just shut myself off and not think about it. It was easier for me…and I didn't realize the damage that it would do to you. I'm…I'm so sorry." Meredith croaked out.

"Mer…." Derek breathed, getting up from the table and kneeling down beside her chair, reaching his hand up to frame her face. "I don't want you to feel bad and I don't want you to apologize for what you needed to do. I just want you to be okay."

Meredith smiled slightly. "I am okay. I really am. I'm not going back to that state. I promise you I will never go back to that."

Derek smiled back at her. "I know you are stronger than I give you credit for."

"I am." Meredith replied. "I need you to be okay too, Derek."

He smiled. "I'm getting there. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Nancy."

"It's okay. But please don't keep things from me anymore." She murmured.

"Okay." He said simply, leaning in to seal the promise with a kiss.

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**Author's Note:** I know this is a _lot_ shorter than normal, but I wanted to get at least something up before I left. I'm going overseas for 6 weeks, starting today, so there will be a rather long gap before the next chapter goes up. I wanted to get this written so that this has some sort of ending for now. Just a warning…this chapter has not gone through my ever faithful beta, because, quite frankly, I ran out of time to get it written, checked and then sent back to me. Which was entirely my own fault! So, thank you for reading and I hope everyone has an awesome Christmas!


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